He wants another child but at whose expense

[Chattypatty1]

my partner wants another child, we both work full time. His job is not flexible to do pick up and unexpected sick children but mine does.

He is saying we will make it work but at whose expense? He earns £1200 and I £2600 after tax pension etc. For us to make this even barely work it means no savings and any luxuries not even a Netflix subscription.

Am I being unreasonable or is he not realising the hidden jobs I do as a mum to keep us afloat?

I believe it will be me burnt out and bending over backwards to make it work not him.

Advice, opinions and experience would be great to hear. How am I supposed to navigate this ?

I'd tell him if he wants another DC to either change into a better paid job or to get a second job. Working only 35 hours a week is not on if he is on minimum pay.

I worked in schools for years. TAs are out of that door when their contracted hours end. He’s sitting chatting in the staffroom because he doesn’t want to come home. You realise most of the teachers will have left before him? What a waster.

Why exactly does he want another child? I’d think about that hard if I were you. Keeps you right where he wants you doesn’t it. Have you heard of that phrase ‘barefoot and pregnant’?

Absolutely not normal. He is 100% choosing to do this. Anyone paid pro rata finishes the time of their contract and any outstanding work, reports, chats etc gets done the next day. Anything super important can be a quick email from home.

As of today I would be insisting that he comes home immediately after school finishes.

Double up on birth control and tell him no, until he gets a higher paid more flexible job then it’s going to end up with you on the firing line.

If he looks after the inclusion unit but isn't a teacher, does he have specific qualifications in something like child psychology, SEN, counselling? Sounds like he could use his skills and experience to get a job that pays at least NLW?

@Chattypatty1

Take the emotion out of this situation by working together on a budget. Sit down, ask him to bring his payslip, you bring yours, look at your current salaries to work out budget, pensions etc.

There is a lack of transparency in his numbers. At minimum wage, his take home pay is more reflective of someone working around 25 hours a week. Don’t let him emotionally blackmail you into accepting all responsibility, both financially and physically in terms of childcare and the home.

That to me sounds like he’s being emotionally manipulative to avoid responsibility

It is not normal to stay 2 hours in a low paid job and happily not be paid. The chats he is having with colleagues about other children is still work and he should be paid for it. If it isn’t possible to fit this in to his working day, he needs to request additional hours/pay or they need to hire some help. Then he’s either receiving more money or finishing on time - either of which would be beneficial.

You don't want another child so why are you even considering doing it to appease a partner who doesn't pull his weight?

Is your DH a TA, or TA level?

Do you want another child? If not, then the answer is no. That's it really. You could have a discussion where you put forward the idea that DPgets a better paying job or goes part-time for childcare after first year - that's if you are in favour of another child at some point.

@RomeoRivers hope you don’t mind my questions. We have had discussions about this before and I’ve always said if you stayed as long as you do at my work place I would think you was weird or after something. So the fact he is in a behavioural support role, the work is not that much to account for him staying that long ?

Also do teachers stay that late ? And do people in the education industry find this behaviour weird ?

'We'll make it work' is the worst because there is no plan at all with it and you clearly need a plan to even think about it. If he's not prepared to engage on that, don't do it. Just don't do it if you don't want to.

His pay is far, far too low for the hours he is working. He needs to stop staying later. Its all one you doing pick-ups but are you then going home and trying to finish your days work with your little one around, when their dad should actually be home some point not long after you get home? He's taking the piss a bit there.

I have two and work full time, i WFH so get housework done in lunch or in what would have been commuting time. My DH does well over 50% of drops offs etc. He works flexibly so picks up some worktime in the evening after kids are asleep, while i cook dinner.

Ive worked in a school as the HR manager and i never knew a member of suupport staff stay later than 3.30 to work. The only ones that did were a group of young men who played football. I think he is lying and is just wasting time chit chatting.

Something isnt ringing true in his story. I am PSA in a similar unit and we leave on time. On the very rare occasion that something happens on the way out the door then I might be leave a few minutes late. The teachers do work later though at times. He isnt telling you the truth or is being taken advantage off.

I stuck to one child and am reaping the rewards now she's a teen. My career is intact, my home is calm and I can afford a weekly cleaner. It's absolutely fine to stick to one. Only have a second if you're both fully on board .

Ignoring the discussion about having another child, this is a bonkers set up OP. Your husband needs to be finishing at 3:30pm and either coming home and looking after your DC and taking a share of chores/cooking etc, or, taking on some extra PAID work. Why on earth are you doing everything if you both work full time?

Children only get more expensive with age. I have teens now, and what I save on nursery/afterschool goes on the tech they need for school/life, clothes, food and housing their massive bodies. Plus, trying to save for uni. I also found nursery was the easy bit as it covered long hours, school holidays and once that was over I had expensive after-school and holiday cover. It's even harder to catch up on work in the evenings as they are still bloody awake! From your description, will he be happy covering all school holidays? What about where they don't align with his! And no, he should not be doing an extra 10 hours a week for the pay he receives. Even SLT / Teachers aren't doing an extra two hours every day at my Childrens' schools- not denying they might be doing work at home. The only person staying that late is the site supervisor and he has an extra 4 hours at home in the day and actually earns about the same as your husband.

Who cares if it a "normal" or not... he isn't paid for it. He needs to be leaving at 3.30pm to pick up your existing child, go home and get the dinner on and do a bit of housework.

He contributes F All in terms of finances and won't help with the child you both already have? Honestly why are you with him? You clearly are career focused and a good mother... I'm not usually one to say LTB but I'm drained thinking about him.

Does he currently look after DC in the school
holidays when he’s not working? That’s a massive thing really. Because if he doesn’t or comes up with excuses about why he can’t do this then absolutely say no to a second child. I’ve got friends (female) who are teachers and that is one of the main draws that they can take care of their own kids in the school
holiday.

belt and braces on the contraception, OP, and don't be swayed.

He won't even address the money issues or the childcare so why would you change your mind and have another baby, especially when you know you'll end up doing most of it.
Aren't you curious what he does, unpaid, for 10 hours a week Op? I'd being making an unexpected visit after hours if I were you

Happy to answer questions.

The teachers will be a mix of some who go straight out the door and do all their planning and marking at home, then some who stay behind so they don’t have to take work home. But teachers are paid for the holidays, to acknowledge that their working hours during term time are what ever is necessary to get the job done.

SLT (those paid significantly more) will be the ones who are regularly staying behind late at school because their position will come with a lot more responsibility.

Your DH will be seen to be socialising and as though he has nothing better to do/ killing time until you get home. No one will be expecting him to work beyond 3.30pm.

Don't even feel like you should seriously consider it. You don't want it and you can't afford it.
It's all very well him coasting along as an LSA doing part time hours. It's a necessary job and I've done it myself, but it's poorly paid and without options to take on paid overtime.
You're the one that would be doing everything and paying for everything, so he is in fantasy land

The reality is that your the higher earner here. You already have a young child. Your doing all the drop offs and pick ups. He working 2 hours extra a day for no money or so he says rather than picking up his child.
As it currently stands you have not much spare money due to childcare costs and the costs of living. Along with this you have health issues and being honest even a straight forward pregnancy is hard on the body and you then have maternity leave on less money.

I would tell him straight out that as a couple you can't afford to have another baby. Show him your income and outgoings and remind him that your the higher earner. I would also tell him that your happy with having just one child and you have considered your health as well. Also as your child gets older the expenses will rise due to the cost of food, clothing, extra circular activities and education.
He is not been fair on you and the child you already have. He is a lazy man on a poor income and he not willing to even finish work on time to collect his child.

At the moment he should be finishing work and collecting his child. He should be doing more of the mammy work and not leaving everything to you. Your right in not having another child with him.