He wants another child but at whose expense

[Chattypatty1]

my partner wants another child, we both work full time. His job is not flexible to do pick up and unexpected sick children but mine does.

He is saying we will make it work but at whose expense? He earns £1200 and I £2600 after tax pension etc. For us to make this even barely work it means no savings and any luxuries not even a Netflix subscription.

Am I being unreasonable or is he not realising the hidden jobs I do as a mum to keep us afloat?

I believe it will be me burnt out and bending over backwards to make it work not him.

Advice, opinions and experience would be great to hear. How am I supposed to navigate this ?

Tell him he needs to earn a lot more if he wants a baby. Tell him you don't want to suffer.

I think many people would rather than a parent at home with the child/ren for 13 weeks of the year over earning a bit more.

Well the clear answer to your question is - at your expense entirely.

You will bear the risk, the physical and financial costs.

I'd say this was a very easy decision to say no to.

His attitude towards your work would be a real concern to me and smacks of him thinking his work is more important than yours.

Also know this sounds like a silly question. But how do you mums who work full time do it with two children ?

It sounds like you don't want a second child. Therefore don't have one! At least not with this twit of a man who does the bare minimum.

At preschool stage a nanny is usually cheaper than nursery. At school there is wraparound care and juggling. I always WFH but DH is hybrid. One of our children can’t go to clubs but I can work with them at home.

It’s a big spreadsheet detailing everything. We don’t have any family support but we do have a lovely school where they can go in 10 mins early and sit in the library for 10 mins after school to enable us to balance everything. We have three different schools though which is what makes the juggle needing to run like clockwork and then we have clubs after school every day.

Op. You know he’s being ridiculous. I don’t even know why you’re giving this any head space whatsoever. ‘Absolutely not, you don’t earn enough, nor do you do enough parenting of the child we have. How dare you expect me to do all the work for and finance a child you want?’
btw - your numbers don’t add up. He’s working for £7per hour which is illegal and would not be allowed in a school.

It's manageable, I had 2 and nursery was round the corner from school. I also had a childminder at one point who had the youngest all day and did school pick up. It sounds like you don't want another one and just not wanting one is enough reason to not do it. You don't need to justify your decision.

Tell him to get pregnant, put his life and health on the line and enjoy the labour pains when he's pushing out another human being. After that, he can reduce his hours and look after the bundle of joy for decades to come. After all, he said he can make it work didn't he. Alternatively you can tell the idiotic, self absorbed man that "no" is a complete sentence.

So he does work part time if hes working only in term time. I guess the upside here is that during school.holidays, you won't need to pay for childcare.

I do.find it astonishing however that he is working in what I assume is TA or facilties management role st a school but he currently cant do any of the nursery drop offs or pick up? I call total bollocks. I think you have a much bigger problem here and you are right to be resisting a second child.

Yeah something’s not right OP - there is no way he will be earning £1200 a month on a full time wage. I’d start by questioning that. How is he going to provide for a bigger family on that wage?

I echo the others who've said absolutely don't have another child with this man until he is prepared to sit down with you and be absolutely open about finances, childcare plans, rotas, etc. Maybe not even then tbh, but definitely not until that happens. I find it alarming that you said you're "pretty sure" he works 35 hours and you "think" the pay reflects the holidays. You have tied your finances to someone whose financial situation you know very little about. That should worry you!

To answer your question above, I have three children, I work full time, and my DH works longer. The truth is that it is very hard for a while, and it only works out when you have a flexible employer and/or family support, preferably both. Otherwise you need to be making SAHP/nanny money. I made sure that the spacing of my children was such that we never had two children in nursery for longer than six months, and the 30 hours that I now get for my third child helps a fair bit. But yeah, for me, it involves a lot of flexible working and logging on late in the evening to make time up!

But also, it doesn’t sound like he brings anything particularly to this relationship. You bring loads. Why are you in it? What value does he add to your life?
based on what you’ve written I’d ltb over his horrendous selfishness. I don’t have any respect for people so utterly selfish and self absorbed who are prepared to use other people to their detriment to get what they want. Then I’d go it alone with my one child, concentrating on the career you want and enjoy, without having to carry him along like a deadweight.
put yourself first for once op, like he does all the time.

I'll fix that for you...

"He knows you will make it work."

Stressed or not, he needs to fully understand the financial situation. Tell him these days things don’t just ‘work out’ as childcare and living expenses are huge costs. Why does he do an extra two hours unpaid? If he isn’t prepared to help more with drop off and pick up, won’t be a SAHP and refuses to earn more, what are his suggestions? You need to push him for proper answers not ‘I don’t know’ or ‘it will be fine’. If he finds the conversation too stressful and gets upset, ask him to go away and really think about things for a few days to come up with ideas.

His headspace of not being good enough is because he knows he’s not doing enough to contribute to family finances. He’s right - it isn’t good enough if he wants more children, even if he’s a wonderful father and partner.

he wants another child like a child wants a puppy. Not planning to actually do any of the work because 'it will work out'. Meaning all your problem, OP.

TA earn between 19k-26k. And I think they get paid over 12 months but only work school time which is why if you calculate it out it looks like a low hourly rate

Another vote for thinking first whether you actually want one.

Suppose you did have someone at home full time and, crucially, doing a decent job of it, so that you could concentrate on work at least some of the time? Would you be ok with having one then? Bear in mind that it’s not compulsory to take more than 2 weeks’ maternity leave if you don’t want to; obviously you would pull your weight at home but the support would be there for you to work?

If, given all that, you still wouldn’t want to have another, then it’s simple. The non-keen parent gets a veto. I have an only child and it’s not always simple but it’s good.

If you would like another in the right circumstances, then bat it back to him - yeah, I’ll think about a baby when… you step up to be at home FT? You find childcare we both think is good enough and we can afford? We both have a detailed view of what’s happening financially and we can genuinely afford the things we want? Make him the one with the issues. Because I think your viewpoint is fine.

I didn’t. I worked PT until my youngest started secondary, and could get themselves to and from school independently. We couldn’t figure out a way to make it work, especially when they’re spread out across nursery and school at different places.

By having a partner who pulls their weight.

Leaving aside the money it doesnt sound like you want another child. Of course you dont have to if you don't want to.
I'm sure you could work out the finances (I have 2 children and we make it work) if you did but as you dont it's kind of a moot point?

Just tell him no you don’t want another child and to drop the subject as your not being forced into it.

I've not sat down in about 18 years. I am super organised. I am a slave to diary and planning. I'm efficient and we are a team as a family.

You are right not to give up your career

If they earn £23k (so in the middle), that’s £1900 a month after tax. Or is that their pro rata salary? So (using 23k) 17kpa? So £1400 a month? Either way, the maths doesn’t math.

You're right to question it, and maternity leave will surely be stressful and tight financially. Is he happy to do shared mat leave and take the bulk of the time off with the new baby so you can work?

I have a friend who is trying to work full time with 2 kids with an unsupportive DH and she's on the verge of a breakdown. It is possible but you both need to be flexible and committed. And as others have said, do you actually want a second child? Most parents I know have stopped at one, it's becoming very normal.