He wants another child but at whose expense

[Chattypatty1]

my partner wants another child, we both work full time. His job is not flexible to do pick up and unexpected sick children but mine does.

He is saying we will make it work but at whose expense? He earns £1200 and I £2600 after tax pension etc. For us to make this even barely work it means no savings and any luxuries not even a Netflix subscription.

Am I being unreasonable or is he not realising the hidden jobs I do as a mum to keep us afloat?

I believe it will be me burnt out and bending over backwards to make it work not him.

Advice, opinions and experience would be great to hear. How am I supposed to navigate this ?

a hideously expensive childminder who did pick-ups and evening meal, and also even more hideously expensive in the holidays when she had them all day for a couple of weeks.

Sent them to my parents for a couple of weeks in the long holidays (parents' idea not mine) so we could have a holiday together some years

DH had a job that started and finished late, so he did the morning school run

Fully involved partner who did at least half of the house stuff and child related stuff.

I was knackered for a decade. But i worked full time and did a degree on the OU. It takes teamwork and self-discipline!!

(but hold fast on not having another child unless you are very very very sure)

So he could be doing pick up….

Sounds like he finds he can't say no in these instances but he can say it to you when you need help. He needs a more stable, better paid and more flexible job. No ifs or buts.

All these comments have been an eye opener. I’ve thought it deep down but never wanted to say, but after reading this maybe he’s trying to pull wool over my eye.

recently he’s been wanting another child a lot more than before. He’s been making this joke about how im at home doing nothing as a WFH and he’s been projecting on to me about how he’s not good enough and why am I with him as he doesn’t earn enough.

Also he took a pay cut to be in this job that he’s in now for happiness and I never sad anything against it. But he’s been super insecure about it

It's a really simple no.
"We cannot afford it. We have just about squeaked through with DD but know I intend to improve the quality of mine and dds lives"
And change subject swiftly

@Chattypatty1 to answer the question which is posed by your thread title: he would not be wanting another child if he thought that having said child would be in any way at his expense.
And when he says that 'he knows it will work out' what he means is that he is confident that he will be able to work things to his advantage so that you will be the one that bears the cost of this.

Sadly not my experience, many schools are very toxic and expect extra work for free. I know of TAs who have been forced to comet o work an hour early and stay after for meetings, as supply I have lost a long term supply job because I refused to do meetings after school as I was not paid for them (or random ones were added by a HoD and I got that "well you clearly dont care about kids look").

Does he want another child to sabotage your career? It sounds like he’s already putting your job down and he’s insecure about the fact he’s the lower earner

honestly, ask him what he’s bringing to the table and if does the victim act reminding is an adult and a father.

I’m a teacher and no support assistant in any school I’ve been in would ever be expected to work beyond their contacted hours. Teachers- yes.

I am really sorry but he sounds like a complete twat.

1. Even if he DID need to do the extra hours that he's NOT paid for, I still don't understand why he can't do the nursery runs? Most nurseries are open from at least 8am until at least 6pm.
2. He's an inclusion "lead" working (effectively) part time on minimum wage.... no, he doesn't need to be doign the massive amount of overtime. Yes, many teachers and the leadership team within schools absolutely DO do more than their hours but they are paid significantly more than your DH. Also, i believe that includes assumed working hours that are longer than 8:30-1530 so more per hour AND more hours they are directly paid for.
3. I am all in favour of both partners having good careers and not feelign like one has to cut back simply because it is the lesser salary, but nonetheless, a financial reality check is needed and he earns half what you do.....
4. I am afraid I suspect the other staff at his school find him very irritating. Someone at the bottom of the totem pole but who is constantly inserting himself into conversations and discussions or just lurking all the time would be extremely irritating when they're just trying to get on with things.

I am a full time working mum of 2 (7 and 2) and my husband and I work opposite. So he works nights and I work mon-Friday days.

He’s getting stressed etc when you want to sit down and go through finances as he is LYING to you about how much he makes clearly!! He will earning easily another £800 pcm so where is he keeping that? What is he spending it on? Or is he saving it in his own separate account instead of paying it into the joint account? Ask to see his pay slips - and don’t get sidetracked by all this ridiculous performance he puts on to put you off asking!

He took a paycut when you had a young child???

In my experience providing for your family is the absolute norm when they are young

Doing a job for the love is for the finacially well off or semi retired people

I would VERY MUCH recommend that you DONT have another baby with him

I cant make the finances of it add up unless you have seen his pay check

He's a jerk.

I WFH as does my husband. We work FT! We barely see eachother unless to hand the other a cuppa when we've had time to make it.

During my lunch break I am.dojng housework: dishwasher, laundry, cleaning bathrooms etc. My husband only takes 10-15 minutes so he can dip out and do a school run instead.

I drop and collect the toddler, my husband drops and collects the teen.

My DH earns less, but works only 4 days and is flexible for school runs and extracurriculars.... hence we agreed on him not going for better paid roles right now as it'd be too much to juggle.

I have no clue why your partner isn't collecting the child from afterschool, and then getting on with a few chores at home before you get in? He should be wanting to pull his weight more given he's opted to take a lower paid job!

I'd love to work a less stressful job but when you have kids you need to wear your big boy pants and provide for your family.

Honestly his behaviour is disgusting!

Minimum wage is over £12 - he can't be working FT and taking home so little. Either he's not telling you the truth about his pay, or he's not telling you the truth about the hours he works. Have you seen payslips?

Yes, he thinks things will "work out" because you will do the work. Don't be as daft as he thinks you are.

tbh, i would be binning him off with his lack of ambition/earning potential, sooner rather than later when he might start affecting your pension more.

With excellent family support, a flexible DH and wraparound childcare. If I removed DH from the equation, I’d still manage because my parents are local and would fill the gap of drop offs & pick ups. I have the utmost respect for parents out there doing it without a support system, I have no idea how they manage it.

If you chucked him out and went it alone you would get help from universal credit especially with childcare stuff

Ha, even when they are teaching assistants the men think they have the big job. The arrogance!

@Chattypatty1 you are not being selfish at all.

In fact HE is the selfish one - wanting a baby when he knows it will be so hard and stressful for you.

Stopping at one is a perfectly valid choice for ANY reason - whether that's financial, or because you feel you won't enjoy it and will find it hard to cope, or just because you don't want to! Please don't let him pressure you and guilt trip you into anything.

Non-teachers do not usually stay after working hours unless their role requires it, and they are therefore paid. I am not sure what your DH is doing but he needs to understand that he has to step up with child you have before even thinking of another. I get the impression that when he is not working i.e. school hols he thinks you are available as well because you wfh?

Why would an LSA be doing write ups for the children? . That would usually only ever be done by the class teacher.

I've worked as an LA/TA and special SEN TA.

Unless he is managing the inclusion unit/team he should stick to his contracted hours.
Yes there have been times when I've got caught up discussing something with a staff member and been 20 minutes late leaving - but two hours regularly?!?! Nooooope. He's lying to you. He does NOT need to be there, he wants to be there and he should absolutely stop and help out with the nursery runs, immediately.

I really hope you post an update saying you've called him out and he's going to start doing pick ups at least - I can't imagine leaving my child in nursery far longer than necessary for no good reason and then ask to have another. I used to tell people straight that I'm leaving in time as I have my LO waiting on me.

Also do teachers stay that late?

Yes, of course we do, as we are paid a salaried wage and are held accountable for the progress of the children in our class. I'm paid £49,000 for this agreement!

If he is paid to 3.30 on minimum wage, he's a fool to stay till 5.30 unpaid when he's given up a better paid job to do so!

I would not respect someone who tells me I'm not doing anything because I 'work from home'. How dare he?!

I'd get rid of the husband and not have any more children with him-he sounds like a cheeky git!

When I wrote my last post, I hadn't seen this update.

OP, I am going to take my points above further. I know MN hates an armchair diagnosis but I'm getting strong whiffs of covert narcissist behaviour here (not to say he is one, but the behaviours are in line). The permanent victim mentality where he refuses to take responsibility for anything.

The "woe is me, I'm not good enough" but I'm not going to DO anything about it, I'm just going to use that as an excuse to make YOU feel bad for me, guilty about doing well and/or to ensure that you never criticise me because it might trigger me.

The "Took a less well paying job for happiness" when as a family you're not exactly loaded screams.... he actually got fired or, at the very least, strongly encouraged to leave his last role. How long has he been in this role? Is he speaking positively about it and about his colleagues? Do you get the sense he gets on with them? Because I'd be feeling a bit nervous that actually he's pissing everyone off off and if he's only been there for a whiel, he might not last....

Sadly, I have direct experience. exBIL had a very similar role with very similar pay. And yet, to hear him talk, he was single handedly running the place. Then he resigned.... supposedly for new opportunities but in retrospect, as we've now discovered a) how many disciplinaries he faced and b) we've thought back to the lack of support/parties/ contact when he left, we think he was either fired or strongly encouraged to leave. At last count, he'd had 3 subsequent jobs in the same field - all of which he got quite quickly and easily (talks the talk) but none of which he made it past the probation period before he was asked to leave - on two occassions, while being marched out the door.....