He wants another child but at whose expense

[Chattypatty1]

my partner wants another child, we both work full time. His job is not flexible to do pick up and unexpected sick children but mine does.

He is saying we will make it work but at whose expense? He earns £1200 and I £2600 after tax pension etc. For us to make this even barely work it means no savings and any luxuries not even a Netflix subscription.

Am I being unreasonable or is he not realising the hidden jobs I do as a mum to keep us afloat?

I believe it will be me burnt out and bending over backwards to make it work not him.

Advice, opinions and experience would be great to hear. How am I supposed to navigate this ?

So he reckons ‘it will work out’?

Ok, i recommend you put that to test. Starting from Monday, he is to do majority of school runs and does 50% or more of household work.

Carry on with this experiment for 6 months and report back.

And that os not even attempting to simulate lack of sleep and extra expenses for baby related things.

It's much harder to call the BS when it's right under your nose every day and you are spoken to like crap (the way he has spoken about your job, your colleagues etc).

At the end of the day he is supposed to be an equal parent. Do you split household and family bills in half? Probably not... so he inserts himself into meetings he isn't invited to (how annoying must that be for the actual workers), does all this "free" work he shouldn't be doing, pretends he's a big shot and you do nothing... all whilst you do all the childcare running, probably get everything ready for the child and also work FT providing for the household.

If you've never worked in a school, there's no real way you could have known.

One of our neighbours told everyone that she was a teacher. Our street was predominantly working class and there's no doubt that she was trying to impress people. (We lived in a town where coal mining had been the predominant industry.)

Then I was given my first ever post as a probationer classroom teacher.

Lo and behold, the neighbour was a PSA in the school's Special Education Department.

I had an older male PSA who used to float around the school*, getting in the way and making 'suggestions' as to how we could do things better... I'm fairly certain that he told his friends that he was an adviser in Additional Support Needs.

It sounds to me as though your husband is very much like this second PSA.

*Easily done, since our PSAs were also on a first aider rota.

It sounds like you don’t want another child and you don’t think you can afford one. Perfectly valid especially if you think you would be the one doing all the work.

Tell him no for these reasons.

You don’t think you can afford it with him earning so little
You think you will be doing most of the work.
You think covering maternity leave and childcare costs will be expensive and you will end up paying as his salary is low.
when we had our children I made my husband step up weekends and evenings and take on his fair share of childcare/housework. Some mums seem to struggle with this so I suggest you make sure he does his fair share now.
You are within your rights to just say you don’t want another child.

Don't feel too bad - you had no real reason to suspect he was telling you lies about his job.
The other TAs will be pissed off with him for doing so many additional hours for no pay.
The seniors will be pissed off with him for trying to muscle in on their role.
I'm betting the department manager is pissed off with him for upsetting all the other staff.
And I really hope you are pissed off with him for the lies he's told, avoiding child care, and disparaging your job and colleagues!

The question is - what are you going to do about it?
Time for that cards on the table talk...

Apart from bigging up his job, whilst earning a very low wage, I would be angry as for the last 6 months he could have been doing school pick ups and spending time with his DC instead of making you be the flexible one.

Yeah if he was going to be the stay at home parent then fair enough, but as the main income earner then I don't think you should sacrifice your career.

I am a TA as it works around the children, I can take them with me to work and take home with me when I leave. Apart from the odd inset day where I have to attend, then I am always available for childcare. I also am always the default parent for illness because if one of mine is unwell then the teacher just gets someone to tell me and I then have to bring them home.
If your partner is happy to do all of this then maybe if you wanted a child it would be something to discuss.
I think he is crazy for staying extra hours when he doesn't need to....I am out the door as soon as possible as I do more than enough in the daytime and there is no way I would be working extra for free.

Sounds like he might want an extra child as a way of controlling and limiting your growth OP

Be very careful about an 'accidental' pregnancy (if relevant)

Schools are a magnet for some people with an ego! There can be opportunities for flexibility and creativity as well as training people with potential. But some staff can also repeatedly try to blur boundaries and it takes wise senior staff to enable people to develop their skills while staying in role.

Hopefully he can explain why he's doing all these extra hours and what his intentions are for his career. If he can't then he needs to think about it.

No, this isn't on you. As other PPs have said, you don't know how schools work. But even more so, this is your partner, the person you love, there's no reason not to believe what they say and what they tell you. Plus, we're all programmed to be sympathetic and understanding (women in particular)

To use my exBIL as an example again - right from the start of their relationship, I was a bit bemused by how little he seemed to work and how he regularly implied that his job was harder and more important than anyone else's. But everyone else took what he said at face value and I was definitely perceived as being a bit mean and unsupportive if I dared to ask why, for example, he was only doing 30 hours a week even though a) he had no money b) SIL was paying all the bills c) they had no children.....
They're very convincing!

Just say it’s a definite no! Children are expensive as you know well, but he seems to have not grasped this.
Also why is he earning below minimum wage ?

@Chattypatty1 actually I think this reflects how tolerant and supportive a wife you have been to your dh.
This post is all about him and what he wants. He undermines your breadwinner job because you WFH but does a low paid part time job because it makes him 'happy'. What a luxury to give 2 hours a day of his time for nothing while you work full time and juggle most of everything else.
What about you and what makes you happy? Won't be another baby in these circumstances and maybe not the dh either before too long.

Oh dear. I don’t think I could have any respect for this to be honest. But if you want to work on the relationship I’d say to him that he has to start finishing at 3.30 and doing pick-ups consistently, every day. And taking responsibility for the child you actually have. If he does that and shows he can stay in this job for at least two years (so shows he can change for the long term, just not a couple of months), then another child might be something you could start to consider. But it’s absolutely ridiculous for him to be considering that his job is more important than yours.

You must have the ick surely.
He's got all the signs of a walter mitty covert narc, bigging up his job.
His colleagues must think he is a right twat, staying back unnecessarily for 2 hours every day, dodging his family.
Thank god you didn't marry this loser OP.

Don’t do it you will struggle and likely will tear you both apart anyway money is a lot of the reason why couples argue

Tell him to get his arse home and start parenting his existing child.

He's probably down a social club somewhere having a crafty pint and a game of pool...🙄

He got a lower paid job to be happier but he stays 2 extra hours unpaid every day? Ok...

I only knew 1 TA that stayed as late as the teachers and he did absolutely FAR TOO MUCH PREP for the groups he was running (actually when they were already prepped and, anyway, it's the teacher's job to prep). It was linked to his own anxiety about preparedness.

He should not very planning lessons etc, even if he's a HLTA, he'll be delivering lessons, not planning. If he's working with a teacher, or even in a unit, they should be allowing him to leave at his correct contracting hours.

Most TAs I knew would be happy to stay if it were a one off and something needed doing ASAP. But certainly not every day! Madness!

His job is no more important, he's just trying to make himself more important.

He's wasting time he'll never get back with his child for unpaid and unappreciated work - this won't leave him in a better position later. It's literally pointless.

If I were you I'd be putting my foot down regardless of another child and having him pick up at LEAST 3 times a week and stop being such a jobsworth.

If his job was more important than the other TA's then it would come with a higher pay grade - instead it came with a pay cut, so he's actually made himself less important than the other TA's.

There just so so many reasons to end this relationship op. How long have you been together, what about housing situation, does he have any friends, what job did he do before?

Don’t feel bad about not seeing through his bs. You don’t work in schools and your child isn’t at school yet. It’s clear that you wouldn’t know exactly what a TA does compared to a teacher. It’s normal to trust what your partner is telling you and most people don’t lie or big up their job to this extent.

One of your biggest issues is his lack of respect towards you and your career. You must feel angry at him for doing so much unnecessary work while you pay for childcare every day. I’m not sure I would want to stay in a relationship with him and I definitely don’t think you should have another child with him.

The health concerns you mention would be enough alone for me not to have another child. Not being able to afford netflix would be too close to the edge.

I work 24 hours a week minimum wage and am paid £285 weekly after deductions (I only pay 5%pension)

OP dont feel bad unless you work in schools you cant know how they run but your husband is doing a full time job on part time pay. This is leaving you with the full responsibility of childcare, paying the bills and I suspect housework. Its time for some serious changes. He needs to finish at 3.30 and be home to look after your child, tidy up and do some housework or after school activity runs. The reason a lot of parents work in schools is so they can work around there children but the sacrifice is the paying a TAs role. He should be doing this. Maybe once he has done this for a couple of years and proved himself to you then maybe consider having another child but until then dont.