He wants another child but at whose expense

[Chattypatty1]

my partner wants another child, we both work full time. His job is not flexible to do pick up and unexpected sick children but mine does.

He is saying we will make it work but at whose expense? He earns £1200 and I £2600 after tax pension etc. For us to make this even barely work it means no savings and any luxuries not even a Netflix subscription.

Am I being unreasonable or is he not realising the hidden jobs I do as a mum to keep us afloat?

I believe it will be me burnt out and bending over backwards to make it work not him.

Advice, opinions and experience would be great to hear. How am I supposed to navigate this ?

Could you survive on just your salary? Would it make financial sense for him to do all of the childcare if you do have another child? If so, I'd make that a condition of me having one.

It is hard having more than one child, but the early years go quickly (although it doesn't seem like it at the time!) and you need to look at the long term not just the first few years. That said, given he's so insistent on having one, I'd insist that he sits down with you and goes through all the finances (it's ridiculous that a grown man gets too stressed to do that) and he does all the childcare. Then see if he still wants another child!

Based on your answers Id say its a hard no. He thinks you will make it work because you sit around all day WFH. I WFH. I dont sit around. If I didnt get my work done, Id be called up by my manager just like anyone else.

I find it alarming that you said you're "pretty sure" he works 35 hours and you "think" the pay reflects the holidays. You have tied your finances to someone whose financial situation you know very little about.

This.

Will he agree to sitting down and showing you his payslips and bank account, and having a completely open and transparent discussion about your joint household finances, respective earnings, work, cost of childcare etc?

If not, definitely don't have a second child with him. He's not able to be an adult or a decent partner or parent if he can't discuss these things with you.

The posters who are asking "do you want another?" have it. This is the first question, because if you don't want another even if all logistical/monetary issues would magically be solved, than you don't have to give this any more headspace. You don't want another, and that's okay.

If you do want another if you could make it work, than he needs to at least grow up enough to sit down and consider in detail how you could make this work (and the answer may still be you can't in a way that works for you). If he can't do that, there is no way he will be any real help at "just making it work".

Don't do it, he sounds like a child with " it will all work out " - he means you will have to work it out, you will have to compromise and go without or pay for more childcare.... just no! Tell him no.

When he says ‘it will work out’ what he means is ‘you will work it out’ - I don’t think that’s the best basis to have another child tbh

you need to look after yourself here

No he is not bringing that home, or what he tells you he brings home. Have you seen his payslips?

You never have to have another child if you don’t want to.

But even if you were to consider it, I would say not until he improves his employment prospects, with more flexible hours and doubles his income.

Hang in he works in a school, presumably as a TA school hours and term time only.

Once kid school age you won't have any childcare costs if he works those hours

I only have one child, but I think the main difference in terms of your job would be that you have twice as much opportunity for kids to be off sick etc., at least once they second is into the school/nursery routine.

We originally wanted two, but then DH got very sick. He still wants two, but I have said no as he won't be able to provide the extra support I'd need, plus no guarantee he wouldn't become more ill. I definitely see your side, and think you shouldn't have another unless you're very much in agreement.

Good fortune, which includes decent incomes, no additional needs with the children and work flexibility, but most of all, my husband being very engaged, involved and hands on so it's not all on me!

'35hrs Monday to Friday. But he always stays an extra 2 hours (unpaid)'

well for a start he stops doing the ' unpaid ' overtime ! and collects your child from nursery.

If he is a TA then I suspect he is paid for 39 weeks a year and the pay is split over 12 months plus his annual leave entitlement i.e. 4 or 5 weeks ? so paid for 46 or so weeks a year

What actually are his contracted hours ? 8.30 - 4.30 would be 7 x 5 = 35 and 5 lunch breaks of 30 mins unpaid, and 2 hours free overtime brings him up to 6.30pm -- school is well and truly closed by then ! so does he start at 8 ?

Is he running breakfast club at 8am ? and after school club until 6pm ?

or is he maintenance ?

I have a family member who works in a school, works 2.75 more hours than your partner and brings home at least 25% more than your partner ! even with tax / NI and pension.

Absolute chaos, but I do have a dh who leads work early to do pick ups and dinner and who does shopping and meal planning and washing.
we don’t even get bank holidays as there are basketball tournaments on nearly all of them so we never catch up.

It's a huge decision and something you both need to agree on. You've some very valid reasons OP and not into the idea, so quite rightly it should be a no. Hubby needs to be realistic and not think emotionally,

It's also the fact your youngest is in school soon. That will make life a tiny bit easier, so it makes no sense to go back again and make it harder. As lovely as children are, it is bloomin hard work!

Surely if you don't want another baby that's that then.

I recall that - in my region - the Pupil Support Assistants simply weren't paid in the holidays. They were all in a situation where they were either the second income earner or had a pension from a previous job and there's no way that any of them would have agreed to work extra hours for free.

At best, the OP's husband is being a pushover.

Please don't be bullied into having another child if you don't want one. Children take a lot of emotional support, especially as they get older, never mind the financial side of things. It's ok to feel that you can't manage that, or even that you don't want to. I have two DCs and I have worked part time since they were born. We simply wouldn't have coped well otherwise. I take my hat off to families where both parents work full time.

is he not realising the hidden jobs I do as a mum to keep us afloat?

get this sorted out ASAP. I’d bet not one of those things requires a vagina.

@Chattypatty1

So many questions...

Why does he earn so little for 35 hours a week?! £1200 a month, for full time?

I know a few people who work 24-28 hours a week, and they earn around £1500 a month. They are not on much more than minimum pay. How on earth can your DH be getting only £1200 a month for full time (35 hours a week?)

As has been said, do NOT have another child with this man. You will be doing everything. It will all be on you. He sounds feckless and irresponsible. A low earner, and quite flighty ... wanting another baby when money is so tight.

How can you not know exactly how many hours he works?

DC should be going to his school and he should be doing dropoffs and pick up???

this doesn’t make any sense? You can do sick days and he can do the holidays. That would be a better balance.

either way do not have more as he isn’t using his reduced hours to ease the load he is instead staying and extra TEN HOURS a week for free! When he already on a tiny wage.

If he only works term time then it’s only full time for 39 weeks a year. It’s the equivalent of 0.75 when averaged out over the whole year.

The main point is you're unsure if you want a child. Until you decide it's a no.

It’s very difficult to navigate - watch that he didn’t volunteer to be a full time dad

the easiest way is to be clear - for another child if we are both working we need to be able to pay for a cleaner and decent low hassle holidays and you estimate that between you you need another 1k a month at least

In some ways with him working in a school you’ve got an ideal set up. He can do all the school holiday childcare which is a massive bonus. However in term time it’s not fair for you to be working full time plus doing all the running around for your dc. But like others have pointed out really it comes down to whether you actually want another child or not. No one should be pressured into having a child. And yes quality of life, money and time, is important. The child you already have deserves days out holidays etc…

Lots of my friends had to have this conversation with their DHs.

they had one, he said he wanted another. They said no, you haven’t stepped up and been a good enough parent to the one we have.

some of the Hs stepped up and there was another kid. Some didn’t.

either way I’d insist on him stepping up for at least a year before you consider ttc.