To stop visiting if my sister brings her dog

[carnivalqueenthethird]

My family (husband & 2 kids) and my sister and her fiancé go to our parents every weekend for a roast. It’s something we’ve always done so nothing new.

My kids are 4 and 4 months old.

My sister has a new puppy - very cute but obviously hyper. At some point she has agreed with my mum that she can bring the dog round with her every weekend and I’m not happy about it for a couple of reasons.

Firstly the dog albeit a puppy is not being trained so it’s a complete nightmare, shits and wee’s everywhere, no recall etc. I know it will take time but my sister and her fiancé don’t really have the time to train a dog (not sure why they got one in the first place, because their work patterns and lifestyle do not lend themselves to taking care of a dog), so this isn’t going to change any time soon, if at all.

Secondly the dog is constantly jumping up at everyone, playing but biting, its teeth are needle sharp and my 4 year old got bitten last week and it punctured his finger, he now doesn’t like the dog. I also can’t put my baby down on the floor at any point because I know the dog is going to jump all over him and potentially scratch/bite. We are there for a good 5/6 hours every time we go, so to hold a baby for that long is difficult.

I told my parents that we won’t be coming round every weekend if the dog is there. My sister has flown off the handle, which I’m used to, but is saying she can’t leave the dog alone as it’s too young. My mum has started guilt tripping me by saying I’m keeping her grandchildren away.

I have said, I’m not keeping the kids away maliciously, I’m happy to come round if the dog isn’t there, but im not prepared for my oldest to be scared in a house he should feel safe in, and for us to not be able to put the baby down on the floor to play all day. I have suggested if my sister can’t leave the dog, maybe she or her fiancé should be the one staying home.

The conversation hasn’t gone down well at all, totally blown out of proportion to be honest and now I’m starting to second guess myself on whether I am being unreasonable or not?

Thoughts?

Did they have a conversation with you, considering your concerns for your children at all?

Are you going to let your mom guilt trip you into disregarding your children’s safety and comfort?

Set some boundaries for you kids. It’s only going to get worse as the dog gets bigger and you mom learns more and more that it is okay to disregard your concerns. She can come visit her grandchildren in your home. On your terms.

I wouldn’t go if it was bf and would suggest visiting at different times. The dog can be left at home (in a crate) for short periods 🙄 why can’t they leave it behind, how far go they travel?

They're kids FFS!

Yes she is golden child! They do everything for her. Problem is, when I’ve bought it up in the past I get told I’m jealous 😂.

if my sister said that to me i would be very clear: if the puppy does that i will punch it in the head until it stops moving.

Time for your family, OP (as in you, DH and DCs) to set up your own family sunday routine that does not include going to your parents for lunch. See your parents another time when your sister isn't there, or in another space. Be very clear that your sister's dog is not allowed in your home/garden. And that if your mum does come to yours, and then invites sister & dog too, that you will send them all away again.

OP, in your shoes I would just phone my Mum and tell her that it's absolutely no use her complaining that she's not seeing her Grandkids, when she is prioritising your IRRESPONSIBLE sister's need to treat an animal like a human baby. Your Mum is also being irresponsible, as she's clearly encouraging your sister in this, and in my opinion neither of them deserve to spend time with your beautiful children if they're not prepared to put THEIR welfare first.

I am a dog lover, but there is absolutely NO WAY that I would allow an untrained puppy to run loose with a young child and a baby in the room. The fact that your sister's pup has already bitten your 4 year old, is an absolute disgrace!

Your idea of caging the pup is a good one, and the most sensible answer in my opinion, as it will also give the pup a safe place to retreat to, when your baby becomes a toddler that is likely to chase it, pull it's ears, tail, etc.

My sister, who was also in her 30's did exactly the same thing, bought a pup as a handbag dog, didn't train it properly, and ultimately it became a nuisance to her, when the novelty wore off, as they worked full time. It ended up with me suggesting that I take it off her hands, and she couldn't get it out the door quick enough, which is an absolutely DISGUSTING way to treat a pet. The dog became a well trained part of my family, and we were heartbroken when eventually the time came to put her to sleep.

One question, can your sister not have children, as she'd be a far better mother than she is dog owner?

It’s a cockerpoo so hyper hyper hyper! And obviously has poodle in it as well which I understand can have a tendency to be quite nippy. The dog isn’t huge but my 4 year old is small for his age so when the dog jumps up it does knock him a bit and obviously if he is sitting down it’s right in his face which he hates.

It’s definitely not how I want to spend our family time. I have such a busy life in general, this is the one day a week where I used to be able to relax and enjoy spending time with all my family. I hardly sit down the whole time we are there because I’m constantly having to move the dog, or pick up a child. It’s exhausting.

I know how your friend feels.

I was bitten by nans dog when I was 5 and I am petrified of them. Everywhere now being "dog friendly" puts me on edge. Im now 32 and there a few of my husbands friends who have untrained dogs and I simply refuse every invitation and explain "as much as I appreciate the invite, I'd feel very nervous around the dogs"

All you can do is stand your ground and when they mention it, again, explain that until it's calmer/trained, the kids cant be around the dog.

So your sister clearly does leave the dog if she and her partner work full time and she goes out every Saturday night while he’s at work. She’s not taking the dog clubbing! So she can just leave it at home for a few hours.
I would simply stay firm and refuse to go if the dog is there. Let them scream and shout and stamp their feet. They will have to agree to either leaving the dog, or having a cage, or any of the other reasonable suggestions. If not they won’t see you or the kids

So what? Do you know how annoying other people’s kids are?

What breed is the puppy? If it's small enough it could go in a play pen to give the kids a break. Set pen up next to where everyone is. You can get soft pens which fold up or metal panels. Put pup in with favourite toys, bed, water and food.

Sorry, it bit your child badly enough to puncture his finger?

There is NO debate here. That dog either needs trained beyond all recognition or your children never go anywhere near it.

My sister-in-law and brother-in-law got a puppy and tried training it, but gave up about 10 weeks in. He is an absolute nightmare and I would not trust him anywhere near a child or baby.

I agree. We’ve had puppies before so I do understand exactly what you are saying. The issue I have is that neither my mum or sister are willing to put this dog in a crate! It can’t be in a different room because of the layout of my parents house so a crate is the only other option unless someone stays at home with puppy while the other one visits. Unfortunately neither of those ideas are suitable to my family which I why i had to say I wouldn’t be going anymore until it’s trained.

Yes, so that’s why she shouldn’t go there while the dog is there. So you agree with the OP?

Yanbu.
Your mother was silly to agree to that.
I certainly wouldn't be going.

Stay at home with your own family. You literally have one-day weekends by staying there for 6 hours every week. Does your husband want to go there every Sunday ? If the puppy is there for that long they should bring its crate.

When I was younger, rescues didn't allow their dogs out until the youngest child in the family was at least 5. Few reasons for that - but mainly to stop the chances of a child getting hurt and the child's understanding of how to approach and be with animals.

At the end of the day a biting, which is a totally normal stage of puppy behaviour (as well as pee and poop) and young children just do not mix. If your sister has no time to train this dog now, while it's a puppy then I fear it may be a long long while before you're going to be comfortable having your children around. With very good reason.

I say that as someone who loves dogs and was brought up with dogs because mum loved em but even my dog mad mum knew that you could never 100% trust an animal and was foolish to think that way.

“telling me that she doesn’t care if her nephew is now scared and I can’t put my baby on the floor to play because her dog is more important.”

This would be the point at which I told my DM that I would not be coming to the house with DSis any more, when her dog has bitten one of my DC and drawn blood, and created a situation where I can’t put my baby in the floor to play because of the dog. (I wouldn’t be too keen putting anything on a floor where a dog might have peed and pooped.) OP, your first priority HAS to be your DC - if you don’t stick up for their best interests, who else will? Your DSis is being v unreasonable, but if your Dm can’t see you without DSis and her dog being present, then it’s DM who is going to lose out over seeing her DGC.

Stay home and make your own traditions. There is zero chance that I'd be going. Your mother can see your children at a time and place where they don't risk being hurt.

This is so tricky. I guess in time the dog will calm down and hopefully be more well trained. I have a dog and two children (much older) so I do get it…. Essentially though, you have to prioritise your own very young children over everyone else. If that causes upset, so be it.

Next time your mum complains about not seeing her grandchildren, suggest you go to fortnightly alternating until the dog is "old enough" (which you keep unspecified). If she says no then she is the one picking dog over grandchildren.

There are baby room divider things that span much wider gaps than a doorframe, but whether they are cockerpoo-proof I don't know.

Sorted.

@carnivalqueenthethird I am a grandparent and i can not get my head around your mother’s attitude.

I would state simply to her that you will not be going if the dog is there end of.

I think eventually she will realise what the cost of indulging your sister will be to her, and come to her senses.

either way you must prioritise your children.

Yet another untrained dog, getting underfoot, jumping up at people, biting . . . I hoped that after the lockdown dog wave, people would start to train their dogs again but nope. It's not fashionable to and it takes time and trouble. You might suggest to your sister that the dog will be happier if trained to come back when it's called and not jump up at people. I live in an area where loads of people have dogs and actually feel sorry for the ones that are permanently hanging off the end of a lead or being yanked back or trodden on because they simply haven't been trained to walk beside their owners.

We’ve fostered countess puppies alongside our children from when our children were toddlers. Yes puppies can nip however a pup with no boundaries, especially an intelligent and hyper one will grow up to be a nightmare dog…
You are doing absolutely the right thing, I would have also suggested alternate weekends like you have and I would stick to it, another option is for you to host the roast and you can say the puppy can come but in your house it will be put in a puppy pen with appropriate toys etc.
Im a massive dog lover and have always had dogs, I can hand on heart say not one of the 40 odd dogs I’ve had come through my home have made any of my children bleed due to the rules and boundaries we put in place for safe interactions.