To stop visiting if my sister brings her dog

[carnivalqueenthethird]

My family (husband & 2 kids) and my sister and her fiancé go to our parents every weekend for a roast. It’s something we’ve always done so nothing new.

My kids are 4 and 4 months old.

My sister has a new puppy - very cute but obviously hyper. At some point she has agreed with my mum that she can bring the dog round with her every weekend and I’m not happy about it for a couple of reasons.

Firstly the dog albeit a puppy is not being trained so it’s a complete nightmare, shits and wee’s everywhere, no recall etc. I know it will take time but my sister and her fiancé don’t really have the time to train a dog (not sure why they got one in the first place, because their work patterns and lifestyle do not lend themselves to taking care of a dog), so this isn’t going to change any time soon, if at all.

Secondly the dog is constantly jumping up at everyone, playing but biting, its teeth are needle sharp and my 4 year old got bitten last week and it punctured his finger, he now doesn’t like the dog. I also can’t put my baby down on the floor at any point because I know the dog is going to jump all over him and potentially scratch/bite. We are there for a good 5/6 hours every time we go, so to hold a baby for that long is difficult.

I told my parents that we won’t be coming round every weekend if the dog is there. My sister has flown off the handle, which I’m used to, but is saying she can’t leave the dog alone as it’s too young. My mum has started guilt tripping me by saying I’m keeping her grandchildren away.

I have said, I’m not keeping the kids away maliciously, I’m happy to come round if the dog isn’t there, but im not prepared for my oldest to be scared in a house he should feel safe in, and for us to not be able to put the baby down on the floor to play all day. I have suggested if my sister can’t leave the dog, maybe she or her fiancé should be the one staying home.

The conversation hasn’t gone down well at all, totally blown out of proportion to be honest and now I’m starting to second guess myself on whether I am being unreasonable or not?

Thoughts?

I am not saying spending a day per week with grandparents is abnormal (although it is not the norm), I am saying the family dynamic is abnormal and unhealthy. Within that context, the need to all be together every Saturday and the sister having tantrums if they are only invited every other week may suggest a degree of enmeshment. But whatever.

What is clearly unhealthy:

• 30 something sister behaves like a child. Irresponsible, attention-seeking, selfish, unable to accept compromise, mood swings to control others.
• Mother enables this to an unreasonable degree. Even to the point where she can’t make a sensible compromise or decision about basic hygiene and child safety for fear of upsetting the sister. Possible co-dependency.
• Father checked out
• OP can’t determine whether this is normal or not

That’s what is wrong with this picture and why solutions that would apply to normal situations do not apply here. All the OP can do is set boundaries and perhaps engage a therapist if this leads to a large fallout she needs help with.

Also I am a dog owner and all of this is ridiculous. A trained, predictable non-reactive dog around small children is manageable. A completely unrestricted puppy (who by the sounds of it is being set up for more serious behavioural problems) is just stupid.

Re crate training - it really is a good idea. A friend of mine refused to use one. Consequently she wouldn’t go anywhere without it, to the extent that when her husband died, she was not going to go to the funeral as she couldn’t take the dog! To me that is totally absurd…and I’ve owned several dogs. Animals should 'never' come before babies and children!

In what way is she being unreasonable? Obviously she can't leave such young children on their own so the choice is not to come at all. Which she's made, but then they're giving her a hard time about it.

Babies are more important than dogs. I have 2 sons, the youngest has 2 daughters and the elder has a dog . When my sons and their families come home it is well understood that the dog has to behave himself with the children. The dog is very lively but from a puppy he has been extremely well trained and is now a delight to have around. Frankly I don’t understand your mother not being very clear with you both about the house rules in her house which if it were me would consist of having a crate where the puppy is left when he is tired, regular toiletting and outdoor walks. I would also be very unhappy at a puppy peeing all over my floors.
i love dogs but despise people who treat them as babies. They have to know their place.

Yes when you get a puppy, you kind of need to accept you will be somewhat housebound for a while. You certainly don’t take one who isn’t toilet trained to other houses. It shouldn’t take more than a few weeks for a cross between a spaniel and a poodle surely?? The funeral thing is bonkers though. A dog sitter is a thing.

Go but for two hours.

This - your children safety should come first. Your DSIS is bu calling your DS a wimp, he is a little boy who just got hurt.

Your sister is bu she should have a cage plus the puppy would have its own space and why won’t your mum have one in the house temporarily? It’s good training, if they don’t get on top of it now they’ll have hell later on, I say that as a 60 year multiple dog owner

Children are not stalking horses or props for training dogs. This child has already been bitten.

The only love and support OP owes here - and it's a dereliction of her responsibility as a parent to do otherwise - is the protection of her children.

Dogs don't take priority here. OP is perfectly at liberty to refuse to have her children in the house with this dog. In fact, that is the only responsible course.

Some of the attitudes toward dogs these days are crackers. They are not human, and they do not take priority over human children.

OP's mother can do as she likes, and no one is questioning her right to do whatever she likes in her own home. OP can like it or lump it elsewhere as she chooses. IMO, her own first duty is to her children and the latter course is the most reasonable.

My SIL's dog was a bit of a PITA when it was young. Now it's an adult dog it's brilliant and he plays with my kids for hours. Whilst he was young we didnt go to MIL's when the dog was there as the house is very small and there was no space the dog wasnt bounding around. No problem or drama, once it calmed down the situation was manageable.

But the real issue seems to be the unhealthy dynamic in your family which is obviously mkre difficult to resolve.....

As an aside I find poodle crosses often grumpy/nippy

I always took our dogs crate to any family activities and they were happy to stay in there away from all the kids. When they were out after the meal they were always on the lead. This was despite them never ever having even growled at anyone in their 15 years. They loved cuddles and if someone wanted to nurse them they could. The only issue was that the kids would torture their parents to get a dog after playing with our two. However I always start with the premise that not everyone likes dogs.

I have a dog, a very calm but food crazy Labrador who would never intentionally harm a child but also isn't above stealing from their plate or stepping on them by accident. She is used my son who has ASD and ADHD and is honestly amazing with kids if they aren't holding food. She won't steal food from my children unless they leave their plate and move away, however will pinch from my 3yo nephew if she thinks no one is watching. We go to family gatherings and if she won't stop mooching or staring at his plate she goes outside or I take her away and entertain her. For a while until nephew is finished eating. I also watch her like a hawk because I know what's she's like and that's just over her pinching a sandwich not biting! I wouldnt take her if I thought there was a risk to any child she might be near or even if any of the family wasn't comfortable with her being there. I'm astounded at your sister's behaviour, I do hope you not going for a while will make your parents actually address her attitude as it's insane that they are indulging her

How can your mother put up with the dog going to the bathroom all over her house? Not very appetizing when serving dinner and so unsanitary. There are a lot of good suggestions from people here but it looks like nobody wants to compromise.

I'd say the vileness which you describe cant compete with her enjoyment of getting her own way & being the boss of everything!

Some crazy responses on here! Do
so many people really see a dog as equal to a child 🤨
OP I’d be really offended if my child was bitten & nobody seemed concerned.

This!!

This.

You have a sister, and mum, problem. Time for the boundaries. Grey rock style if need be.

😢 I’m sure you have considered this, but could either just you or your hubby take older child for a few hours so he can have some grandad time? Parent on dog guard duty while they play? Probably not very practical, and not for long term, but.. 🤷‍♀️

It is maybe more unusual but it’s lovely that you have had that family core unit, lovely for the bond between the kids and grandparents.

Until mum and princess spoil it that is…. Such a shame… 😕

Absolutely not - why should she have to separate her family? At this point any action like that on her part is conceding to the sister’s madness and saying it’s acceptable behaviour.

Good idea. I'm sure the dog only starts misbehaving and biting OP's children after they have been there for two hours. Before the two hour deadline, this untrained and unsupervised puppy will be perfectly behaved and safe to be around a baby and a four year old.

This is conditional love. We will love you if you dance to our tune. If you don’t we won’t love you.

@carnivalqueenthethird I have a similar dynamic in my family. I'm expected to fit in with whatever my siblings want. When we had dc, my parents had lots of strict rules when we had to live there for a bit, but when my ds did the same, their dc ruled the roost and we all had to bow to them... eg, no noise after 6pm. No tv, all phones on silent, no house calls, etc.

It's frustrating, but it won't change. The best thing you can do is stick to your guns. YANBU.

When I asked my dp to put my dc 1st in a similar situation, they refused as they would rather upset me than my ds as I was always the softer one.
I've had to pull back over the years for my sake.

Your sister is bonkers and totally out of order. In which case, you have to risk her tantrums (and your parents’ favouritism) and set your boundaries ie you won’t take the kids if the dog is at your parents and/or invite them to yours, making clear the dog cannot come. They’ll soon get the message.

People don't usually need vaccinations from a baby biting them though! Hundreds of people aren't killed from baby bites every year. So it's hardly the same.

If you read ops updates you'll see she's tried suggesting a cage or similar for the puppy but it's been rejected.

Yanbu at all op. They have so many options - most sensible would just be to train their bloody dog but if not alternating weekends to visit your parents, or dsis or her dh alternating who comes/who stays with dog, putting him in a cage/kennel/garden shed for a few hours and going out to fuss him are all options. They're refusing to be sensible or compromise at all so it's on you to protect your kids.