To stop visiting if my sister brings her dog

[carnivalqueenthethird]

My family (husband & 2 kids) and my sister and her fiancé go to our parents every weekend for a roast. It’s something we’ve always done so nothing new.

My kids are 4 and 4 months old.

My sister has a new puppy - very cute but obviously hyper. At some point she has agreed with my mum that she can bring the dog round with her every weekend and I’m not happy about it for a couple of reasons.

Firstly the dog albeit a puppy is not being trained so it’s a complete nightmare, shits and wee’s everywhere, no recall etc. I know it will take time but my sister and her fiancé don’t really have the time to train a dog (not sure why they got one in the first place, because their work patterns and lifestyle do not lend themselves to taking care of a dog), so this isn’t going to change any time soon, if at all.

Secondly the dog is constantly jumping up at everyone, playing but biting, its teeth are needle sharp and my 4 year old got bitten last week and it punctured his finger, he now doesn’t like the dog. I also can’t put my baby down on the floor at any point because I know the dog is going to jump all over him and potentially scratch/bite. We are there for a good 5/6 hours every time we go, so to hold a baby for that long is difficult.

I told my parents that we won’t be coming round every weekend if the dog is there. My sister has flown off the handle, which I’m used to, but is saying she can’t leave the dog alone as it’s too young. My mum has started guilt tripping me by saying I’m keeping her grandchildren away.

I have said, I’m not keeping the kids away maliciously, I’m happy to come round if the dog isn’t there, but im not prepared for my oldest to be scared in a house he should feel safe in, and for us to not be able to put the baby down on the floor to play all day. I have suggested if my sister can’t leave the dog, maybe she or her fiancé should be the one staying home.

The conversation hasn’t gone down well at all, totally blown out of proportion to be honest and now I’m starting to second guess myself on whether I am being unreasonable or not?

Thoughts?

They should have the dog pretty much toilet trained by now...and they definitely shouldn't have the poor puppy being set up to fail in new environments

A dog that is making a mess inside the house is a failure of the adults who should be looking after it.

I think the reasonable adjustments to visiting are reasonable. If her toys are going out of the pram, then that's her problem.

My parents house is all open plan so the only other room is a downstairs toilet. I can imagine the dog will just constantly whine if it’s shut in a toilet and I obviously can’t play with my baby in there.

I would be firm that i wasn't going to take my children there if the dog is going to be there. If they try to trick you, pack up and leave.

Don't give into blackmail.

Of course you can leave a dog alone. It’s not a baby! How ridiculous. She needs to get her arse in gear and train the dog, in the meantime cut the visits to mums short on a Sunday (stay maybe 1-2 hours) or leave fiancé at home with dog until it’s trained. Babys tak priority and your mum should be in agreement if she thinks you’re “taking her grandkids away” 🙄

This is what I have said, I don’t have an issue with the dog, I know it’s a puppy and I grew up with dogs so I know how they behave. The issue i have is my sister treating it like a human baby, having to bring it everywhere and basically telling me that she doesn’t care if her nephew is now scared and I can’t put my baby on the floor to play because her dog is more important. She is very irresponsible in general so this dog will not be getting trained anytime soon, I would bet money on it.

Your poor parents, having to cook for all those people every single week! Do you not ever reciprocate? I’ve not relied on my mum to cook my meals since I was a child. I cook her meals now at my house..

She hasn't asked her sister to leave it alone, just her sister or partner to stay home with it. The puppy bit her child! Of course she has every right to say she won't be bringing the children into that situation when no changes have been made. Her children should not be subjected to that!

I’ve always thought how would I tell my child when older if they were bitten and marked -???they need to control the dog ( my mums dog went for my daughter cos my dad won’t put it away ) and I’ve felt terrible guilt since . It’s a definite no to the dog

Your sister is being unreasonable OP, not you. There are so many similar threads and stories in real life, about dogs being put on pedestals and family relationships suffering as a result

How about a puppy gate and keep the dog in the kitchen? However, your 4 year old might be scared that it will get out? I was bitten by a dog at a young age and have been very wary of all dogs ever since. I am now 61 and it never goes away despite me being such an animal lover.

Dc and ddogs can benefit from forming good relationships..if both 'owners are on board... Dd has a young baby and we have a young dpuppy... Both very well supervised during these early stages..
Dsis is being unreasonable not to be supervising the dpuppy. And your dps are enabling her to being a shit ddog owner...
Stay home. Dm can visit you until dpuppy has completed dpuppy classes.

I have a friend with a puppy who sounds identical - my friend isn’t even ashamed of herself when the dog shits or pisses on the floor nor does she make any effort to clean it up and she laughs when it bites me.

Is your sister the same by any chance? Depending on if your sister is trying to train or not would impact how I’d react. If she doesn’t give a shit like my friend Id stop going. If she is trying to train and is apologetic when the dog plays up I’d ask for a compromise until it’s trained.

What was the reaction of your parents and sister when your child was bitten by the puppy?

If your parents adore your children, why are they not taking in that your son is now afraid of dogs after being bitten.

You are definitely not being unreasonable about your children needing to be in an environment that they feel safe and happy in.

Your parents need to make a choice. Their grandchildren or the dog. I know which one I would prioritise.

In stead your parents are prioritising your sister's wants over your need to prioritise the safety and health of your children.

I take it your sister has your parents wrapped round her finger and your parents give into her wants all the time.

I largely agree tbh. I’m actually a big dog lover, but I grew up with very happy, fulfilled, impeccably trained working sheepdogs. The vast majority of people I know with dogs just do not resemble proper dog ownership in the way I grew up understanding it. I grew so sick and tired of visiting people with my children and seeing their dogs showing extremely obvious distressed body language and their owners being totally oblivious. As a result, I now don’t have my children in enclosed spaces with dogs at all, with a few well-deserved exceptions.

YANBU OP I’d tell them all to grow up and get over it.

Yes she can see my baby anytime as I’m currently on maternity leave but my oldest started school last September so the only time she can really see him is at the weekend. My sister takes great offence if she isn’t invited somewhere so if I invited my parents round for dinner one evening, she would also have to come. If I didn’t invite her, my mum would tell her about it/invite her and she will either just come along or start an argument. I can never do anything with just my mum. It’s a pain.

It’s a reasonable suggestion. Her fiancé works shifts so he isn’t always there but this could work on the weeks he is there.

Put your problems to your DM and DSis and ask them to come up with a suitable solution. I.e. one that does not risk your DCs being hurt. This puts the onus on them rather than your suggestions that they then dismiss.

• You still want to see your DM, DF and DSis.
• They want to see you.
• Dog has bitten children & is jumping up which is not safe for your DCs so they cannot share the same space.

You are 100% correct! I have along standing feud with my BIL over the same thing. He brought the dog everywhere and when i hosted Christmas dinner for 14 people a few years ago he said he was bringing it! The dog has anxiety and howls when left alone. He nips when he is nervous and doesn’t like noise So 1 didn’t want it around us when we were eating and 2, I had my 5 year old and my 14 month old who had just started walking my 2 year niece and my 3 year old nephew going to be there. No place for a dog never mind and anxious one told him so and he hasn’t spoken to me since, if we go to other family members and the dogs there either sit in another room with my kids and don’t let them near the dog or we leave

I do like dogs in general, but since having kids I am so much more wary of them. Like I said before I know it’s a puppy and puppies bite when they play so it biting my son was a accident but it still drew blood and my son was very upset and now doesn’t want to go. I am genuinely concerned if I put my baby on the floor the dog will jump on him and either bite or accidentally scratch his face etc. The dog isn’t trying to maul anyone but I still don’t want my kids hurt, when there is an easy solution.

We have this situation in our family. DB and SIL got a puppy without taking into account they live in a flat with no garden and are both busy professionals who work away a lot. It's some 'cross poo' type which is very cute but hyperactive and barely trained, and also can't be left alone for a single second at home without crying nonstop and annoying the neighbours.

As a result, whenever DB is working in the office/away for the weekend/out for the day (which is a lot) it goes to my parent's house to stay. It barks nonstop, jumps up, snaps and has absolutely no recall. My parents adore it. My DC, already iffy about dogs, won't go near it (and I wouldn't let them even if they wanted to), so any visits to their grandparents either consist of us being turned away because the dog is already there, or the dog being put in the kitchen and listening to it bark and scratch at the door for the entirety of the visit, which puts the DC on edge.

Your parents need to make a choice. Their grandchildren or the dog. I know which one I would prioritise.

This

I would ask your mum what is more I'm seeing a dog or grandchildren

I know, but they don’t have time. This is going to sound nasty but they bought the dog as an accessory. They are both early 30s and still very irresponsible. They think it’s a cute thing to have but don’t have the time to do anything with it. The both work full time (not WFH), fiancé does shift work so either works days or nights and my sister goes out every Saturday night of her fiancé is working. I had this conversation with them both before they got the dog but it ended up with my sister getting in a complete rage because she doesn’t like criticism. My parents have a big garden so they are using the garden at the weekend as a way of getting out of taking it for a walk.

I think they meant a playpen for the dog. Easy for your sister to bring, erect and take home.

If the dog can’t be separated from the children due to the layout of the house and your sister’s unwillingness, then I think you’d be a reckless parent to take two young children to be around a dog that has already bitten one of them. Especially since the owners of the dog don’t seem to particularly care that it bit.
I understand it’s a puppy, I’m not saying it must immediately be put down or anything. But surely any rational dog owner would be like “of course, I completely understand that you don’t want a baby around my puppy at the moment. I also don’t want your baby to potentially get bitten!”