To stop visiting if my sister brings her dog

[carnivalqueenthethird]

My family (husband & 2 kids) and my sister and her fiancé go to our parents every weekend for a roast. It’s something we’ve always done so nothing new.

My kids are 4 and 4 months old.

My sister has a new puppy - very cute but obviously hyper. At some point she has agreed with my mum that she can bring the dog round with her every weekend and I’m not happy about it for a couple of reasons.

Firstly the dog albeit a puppy is not being trained so it’s a complete nightmare, shits and wee’s everywhere, no recall etc. I know it will take time but my sister and her fiancé don’t really have the time to train a dog (not sure why they got one in the first place, because their work patterns and lifestyle do not lend themselves to taking care of a dog), so this isn’t going to change any time soon, if at all.

Secondly the dog is constantly jumping up at everyone, playing but biting, its teeth are needle sharp and my 4 year old got bitten last week and it punctured his finger, he now doesn’t like the dog. I also can’t put my baby down on the floor at any point because I know the dog is going to jump all over him and potentially scratch/bite. We are there for a good 5/6 hours every time we go, so to hold a baby for that long is difficult.

I told my parents that we won’t be coming round every weekend if the dog is there. My sister has flown off the handle, which I’m used to, but is saying she can’t leave the dog alone as it’s too young. My mum has started guilt tripping me by saying I’m keeping her grandchildren away.

I have said, I’m not keeping the kids away maliciously, I’m happy to come round if the dog isn’t there, but im not prepared for my oldest to be scared in a house he should feel safe in, and for us to not be able to put the baby down on the floor to play all day. I have suggested if my sister can’t leave the dog, maybe she or her fiancé should be the one staying home.

The conversation hasn’t gone down well at all, totally blown out of proportion to be honest and now I’m starting to second guess myself on whether I am being unreasonable or not?

Thoughts?

I think deep down she does agree with me but my sister is very sensitive and I don’t think either of my parents can be bothered with her hissy fits if they disagree with her.

Maybe suggesting the tethering method? Basically pup is attached to owner at all times with a 6ft lead. It means you know it can't jump on people and keeps them close so toilet training is easier

Or if they insist on keeping the dog loose then is only allowed in the garden and the room that leads to it. Baby gate off that room so the dog and your children have space away from each other.

This puppy bit your child .... why on earth would he or you want to be there with it? I am stunned that your parents cannot see this and are taking it personally!
Your sister is being ridiculous, both in not training her puppy and thinking you might want it round your children like that.
Thank goodness my family is not nuts like this. All this would be sorted simply and amicably with each understanding the others' point of view.

Your parents are being unreasonable in expecting you to be prepared to allow small children to share space with an animal that has injured one of them already. It doesn't have to be a blame game, or ultimatums with no end date. Just a simple "pup is a bit wild atm and makes it hard for us to relax when out kids might get bit".

If they can't see that, I think you have a much bigger family- dynamic problem. Is your DS the Golden Child?

Oh dear sounds awful, not the way you want to spend your precious family time together. You aren’t being unreasonable, set boundaries for the sake of your children. You have to be careful introducing young children to puppies. Your 4 year old will probably be fearful of dogs in general for a while if this isn’t handled correctly. A puppy can easily be Great Dane sized to a small child, you have a duty of care to your child to not bring them into an environment where they are fearful of being bitten, or actually get bitten, and I don’t know where to start with the hygiene 🤢. You should be able to somewhat relax at a Sunday lunch with your family, not be in a constant state of hyper vigilance. What breed is the dog?

Sorry to hear about your daughter getting hurt. I said to both my mum and sister that it’s my responsibility to keep my children safe. My 4 year old has said he is scared and doesn’t want to see the dog anymore and I’m not going to force him into a situation where he has to do that. They just aren’t getting it.

You can’t leave a puppy alone for long, they struggle and their behaviour will get worse. They are basically a baby who has been taken for their family, not understanding why, and need to be with their caregivers until they have been trained to be ok being alone. It is cruel to do otherwise.
OP is unhappy and that’s not great but don’t punish the dog.

Well it's your mother's house so she sets the rules. That said you are an adult with autonomy who can make her own decisions. I personally would not be allowing my children to be scared by an untrained pup. I would not be sitting there for hours waiting for the next pile of poo to arrive on the mat while my sister pretends it's all just fabulous. Your babies your rules.

I think the op knows that…. Hence why she said she wouldn’t be going….

are you alright?

My best friend was bitten when we were kids as well, and it’s stayed with her ever since too. She is terrified if we are out and a dog comes near. Obviously since Covid so many more places are dog friendly, it’s hard for her to have a nice day out. I really don’t want this for my child. Sorry to hear you were bitten.

unfortunately my parents house is open plan so there isn’t anywhere to shut the dog away, except the downstairs toilet.

Puppies bite, they all do, it's got nothing to do with training at such a young age.
And because they have very sharp baby teeth, they often draw blood. My hands were like mince for months when my dog was a puppy.

Now, it's not because it's normal that it's okay, especially with such young children. With puppies, beside training, the key is to manage the environment, by using crate, puppy gate, long line etc...letting a puppy run loose with small kids around is just stupid and irresponsible.

OP isn't looking to punish the dog, just to establish a way of socialising with her parents that doesn't involve the dog until it is better-behaved. Her family are resisting this. They are prats. The dog deserves better, too.

I have a dog.
I have kids.

Yanbu.

I think the reason you are getting such pushback is due to the enmeshment with the CORE family.
You dont go to your husbands parents and Dsis doesnt to her boyfriends parents EVERY Sunday do you???
Why is that?
Hint: its not just due to distance.

Your DM, Ddad you and Dsis are/were the core unit.

You having kids was fine initially as it didn't upset the natural order and your kids could tag along and / or be treated as communal property of the core family.

Back in reality... You now have your own family whose safety you are ( rightly) prioritising.
This challenges the "Core family unit" and preservation only that is paramount and the no 1 priority for your mum and sister.

Your sister is also most probably the favorite.
Why else is your mother choosing to let a dog piss and shit on her floors each week instead of seeing her GC
or taking you up on any of your v reasonable offers.

Separately and possibly unimportant...
I notice your dad doesnt feature much in this.

Separately and unimportant
Your sister sounds like she isnt training the dog if there are multiple indoor accidents.
And she can go to work / cant train it in the week or bother to use annual leave... but it cant stay home alone or with the boyfriend for 2 hrs... puh-lease

I'd be saying a lot of things like

"I'm sorry sister isnt willing to try any of the many compromises I've offered"

"my children's safety and comfort will always come first"

"I'm sorry your inflexibility and prioritisation of a dog means you are seeing less of the kids. I know they'd love to see more of you"

She does clean up after the dog if my mum doesn’t get there first, but she does find it ‘cute’ when the dog bites. She told my son he was being a whimp when he cried after it bit him, obviously felt bad when she realised he was bleeding, but it still pissed me off. She said today she can’t wait for the puppy to pull my babies sleepsuit and try to drag him along the floor 😬. She just thinks this dog is a human baby, I’ve tried telling her it’s not the same!

I don’t know what to tell you. Obviously you are not being unreasonable. There’s clearly a range of dysfunctional family dynamics going on here and neither your sister nor your parents can be trusted to act reasonably or sensibly. Sad, but it’s on you to state your reasonable boundaries to keep your children safe and not bend to them. Good luck.

So they can leave their dog alone for chunks of time when they're working but can't to avoid it biting your children? And you're to blame for your parents potentially not seeing as much of your children? Wow. You are not the unreasonable one here OP. Have you heard the phrase "let them"? Let them kick off. Let them be annoyed. Let THEM find a solution to this. Its not a problem of your creation.

You got it! She’s the little princess! If she doesn’t get her own way she has full blown tantrums, the way she speaks to my parents at times is disgusting.

My sister called my son a whimp to start with but then felt awful when she realised he was bleeding. My dad told her to take the dog outside and my mum helped my son clean his hand and gave him a plaster etc, but they weren't overly concerned. I think they just think it’s what puppies do. - we’ve had puppies before at our house and they do all occasionally bite when playing but the ones we had were a lot younger than this one.

She might feel the same about your kids?

That would be enough for me not to be around her at all.

What kind of person calls a 4 yo a wimp over their dog biting them?

She obviously thinks the safety of your children matters less than her dog.

Your sister has to get the dog trained, that’s not good and she needs to start now with saying no when it jumps up. It will be much kinder to the dog in the long run, dogs can’t bite children.YANBU

You are not being unreasonable.
Your child is scared, being bitten is a big thing for 4 y.o.
It sounds like your sister is very immature and selfish and doesn’t get it. So I would try to stay calmly and just focusing on your eldest being scared and baby not being able to go on the floor. Don’t give them solutions, just ask them how they think your eldest felt about being bitten.

i think you and your sister should alternate weekends. At least until the dog is “better trained”

she (your sister) sounds exhausting

a real shame for your DPs to be caught in the middle of this. Yanbu. Your sister is.

Honestly I really don’t get this new style of ownership where the dog is attached at the hip. We had dogs growing up, the last one died a couple of years ago, but she didnt go everywhere with my parents. They wouldn’t have dreamed of taking her to my nanny’s house every week, so I am finding it really hard to understand why they are happy for my sisters dog to come to theirs all the time.

Can I join your family please? 😂 🙏🏼

We had this situation. In our scenario the dog is at least trained. But they take the dog everywhere with them. 6 years down the line. It was a covid puppy so has servere separation anxiety. To be fair id rather the dog come. Its better behaved than its owners.
I think in your situation there has to be some boundaries. Your child has been bitten. I dont know how your parents and sister can be ok with that.