To stop visiting if my sister brings her dog

[carnivalqueenthethird]

My family (husband & 2 kids) and my sister and her fiancé go to our parents every weekend for a roast. It’s something we’ve always done so nothing new.

My kids are 4 and 4 months old.

My sister has a new puppy - very cute but obviously hyper. At some point she has agreed with my mum that she can bring the dog round with her every weekend and I’m not happy about it for a couple of reasons.

Firstly the dog albeit a puppy is not being trained so it’s a complete nightmare, shits and wee’s everywhere, no recall etc. I know it will take time but my sister and her fiancé don’t really have the time to train a dog (not sure why they got one in the first place, because their work patterns and lifestyle do not lend themselves to taking care of a dog), so this isn’t going to change any time soon, if at all.

Secondly the dog is constantly jumping up at everyone, playing but biting, its teeth are needle sharp and my 4 year old got bitten last week and it punctured his finger, he now doesn’t like the dog. I also can’t put my baby down on the floor at any point because I know the dog is going to jump all over him and potentially scratch/bite. We are there for a good 5/6 hours every time we go, so to hold a baby for that long is difficult.

I told my parents that we won’t be coming round every weekend if the dog is there. My sister has flown off the handle, which I’m used to, but is saying she can’t leave the dog alone as it’s too young. My mum has started guilt tripping me by saying I’m keeping her grandchildren away.

I have said, I’m not keeping the kids away maliciously, I’m happy to come round if the dog isn’t there, but im not prepared for my oldest to be scared in a house he should feel safe in, and for us to not be able to put the baby down on the floor to play all day. I have suggested if my sister can’t leave the dog, maybe she or her fiancé should be the one staying home.

The conversation hasn’t gone down well at all, totally blown out of proportion to be honest and now I’m starting to second guess myself on whether I am being unreasonable or not?

Thoughts?

I feel your pain OP. I had a similar situation with my DB's dog - also a cockapoo - when my child was a baby. He and SIL treated it completely like a baby and whenever I did bring up my concerns made it clear they regarded the dog as being of equal importance as my child. I'm less fearful about it now as my kid is older but the dog is still mental. We've always had dogs in my family too but I have often felt like certain members anthropomorphize them way too much and prioritize them over the humans, I find it absolutely absurd.

You could ask your mum and dad how they'd feel if one of their grandkids actually suffered a permanent or life-changing injury from the dog that they had refused to even compromise on. It's not exactly far-fetched, your child has been bitten already and these things are far from unusual.

Read the thread before commenting. It has nothing to do with my 4 year not approaching the dog correctly. He was playing with his train tracks. The dog came bounding over and knocked his bridge over. My son waved his hand as if to say go away and the dog thought he wanted to play, jumped up and grabbed his hand with its paws and then bite him.

I agree, my family are not more important than my sister and fiancé in my mums home, but my children and more important than an untrained dog.

@Queenoftartts I think you may be on the wrong thread 😂

‘Enthusiastically mouthed’ - the new dog owner words for biting ….

You are probably right there. No, no walks on a Sunday, that’s their day off from walking because the dog can run round my parents big garden.

I don’t understand why people keep making suggestions that require reasonable behaviour and compromise by the mum and/or sister. Those are not going to happen.

Sorry OP but this all sounds so unhealthy. Have there been lots of instances of this family dynamic playing out throughout your life? Perhaps you’re too close to see how abnormal it all is.

Very few adults spend an entire day per week with their birth family once they have children of their own. Once your 4 year old starts school he will have parties and hobbies to go to on the weekend. I would take this as an opportunity to develop your own family routines that don’t revolve around them.

I think you have my sister..! Put your boundaries down now as she is unlikely to grow out of it.
Mine hasn’t and she is 60+
I stupidly put up with all of it until one day I didn’t and toys were scattered far and wide. I kept putting in boundaries as time went on but she hasn’t changed. As a result I now have a relationship with my mum that excludes my sister who is apparently very sad and can’t understand how this has happened. Major rescue for my sanity though as I only see her at major family occasions now.

They don’t cook every week, I will cook it by myself at least once a month, sometimes more often. We go to their house because my mum enjoys hosting. Plus my parents have a big garden and my son enjoys playing in it with my dad, riding his bike around etc. I have no issues with them coming to me, they prefer us to go to theirs and my sons prefers it too.

PorridgeEater · Today 11:03
Possible Compromise
Good weather: one sister am, other sister arrives for lunch, dog outside while people eat together, morning sister leaves, other sister stays pm.
Bad weather: one sister am, other sister pm, alternate whose turn it is to have lunch.
But I have a feeling op won't like it. Would take co-operation / planning....

This was meant to be helpful! Not getting at op - of course she can't put children in a situation where they could get bitten again - she would never forgive herself. And awful that Mother would rather play down the risk than deal with the sister. Very difficult dealing with these people.

No, we don’t find it restricting. If we want to go somewhere else for the day then we just don’t go that week. It’s not a huge deal. It’s why I don’t understand why me suggesting my sister goes every other week until the dog is trained is so horrendous.

@carnivalqueenthethird it is absolutely bonkers to me that people are repeatedly suggesting compromises that your sister is totally unwilling to engage in.

@ParmaVioletTea the OP and her husband aren’t more important than her sister and fiance but her CHILDREN and therefore family unit are unequivocally more important than her sister’s bloody dog.

The dog can stay at home - it does every other day of the week apparently. The sister is unreasonable, the mum is being cruel. I expect the OP has always been the peacemaker in her family and now people are suddenly surprised she won’t roll over on something important - I recognise a lot of my DH in this. He takes the path of least resistance to keep people happy and then if he DARES to suggest he was upset by something he is accused of making a drama. When his brother and gf get to throw constant strops about anything they like.

Leaving a dog alone for more than 4 hours could lead to Animal cruelty charges, so leaving it alone is not really an option.
Unfortunately, dogs, especially pups tend to find out what things are by taking it in their mouth and puppy's do tend to play rouge.
The alternate weekends idea sounds the best way forward until the dog is less exuberant and has learned proper toileting rules.

Can they keep the dog on a leash in the house? My mum & dad just got a puppy and that’s what we do around the DC. Gives the chance for the dog to get used to everyone and when he lies down calmly we’ll pet him & give him attention. When he’s pulling the leash, attempting to jump - he gets ignored or taken out the room for 5 mins and brought back in. They soon learn the best way to get positive attention.
it is lovely when young children and a puppy bond and you see them growing together

It’s up to your mum if the dog can go and it’s up to you if you don’t want to go. I wouldn’t have been very happy if the had bitten my son either really. Just say you’ll go and visit another time without the dog & when it’s trained it can go back to normal.

If you RTFT you'll see the approximately eleventy billion times where this has been suggested, and the OP has said she'll suggest but clearly doesn't hold out much hope.

Leaving a dog alone for more than 4 hours could lead to Animal cruelty charges

@rb124 that is such a wild escalation it’s ridiculous. Plenty of people leave their dog for more than 4 hours on the regular and, shock horror, everything is fine

Your idiot sister sounds like a nightmare, that poor dog.

It’s irritating isn’t it? I really do think there needs to be some research on these type of designer crossbreeds at some point. Cockapoo’s in general are a complete pain the backside. I haven’t met a normal one yet although I’m sure they do exist.

My 4 year old started school in September and he has been to parties at the weekend. It’s not an issue If we are busy one particular weekend, we just don’t go round and see them the following week.

We went to my grandparents' house every Saturday when I was growing up. Like you, if there was a party or something else came up we just wouldn't go that week, no big deal. I enjoyed those days as a child, and as an adult I really treasure the memories of that time I got to spend with my grandparents and I'm so glad that was part of our weekly routine. I really hope your mum sees sense and accepts one of your very reasonable suggestions so your kids don't miss out.

As the OP said she doesn't understand why her sister got the dog in the first place

Training a dog is a big undertaking even for responsible, experienced people. And can also be expensive.

Some people just underestimate what is really involved.

I'm sorry to the health and safety of children come way ahead of pets anyday.

I'll be honest, I thought you were being a bit petty, UNTIL, you mentioned the baby. As a father and a man, I take a "real world learning approach". A four year old can, for the most part, take care of themselves with a puppy...sorta. But a baby? Nope.

Stand your ground against the entire world if you have to. Tell your mother and everyone else that if that puppy shows up, you, and your children, won't.

Here's my truest opinions.

1. Your family comes first. No exceptions.
2. Your parents are human. They make mistakes. Let them. You do you and let them make their choices. Don't blame them, just adjust accordingly.
3. Your sister sucks. Seriously. She is choosing a puppy over common sense. She can crate the puppy for a few hours without any affects to the puppy. Again, she sucks.
4. Your mother sucks. Not in everything of course, but in this, she is being weak and trying to keep the peace. That's BS. She needs to act like an adult and tell your sister to keep that dog at home.
5. Do you really need people like this in your life? Seriously? Yeah, I get it, mom and sister. Remove yourself from their lives and let them decide what's important; you and your children or a damn dog.
6. Long list huh? 🤣 Find your peace. Around them and that damned puppy isn't where you'll find it.

YABU Leave your kids at home. Problem solved 👍🏻

Actually I think 5 or 6 hours every week at your parents house is a lot anyway.

That was the minimum I saw both sides of my grandparents every week most of my childhood until my paternal grandparents died when I was 16.

Mum would drive us to her parents several times a week, have dinner there and then Dad would pick us up and drive us to his parents about five minutes down the street while mum went home and we would stay there for an hour or two and then head home. This was done 3-4 times a week routinely an we lived a 30 min drive from them.

I was still involved in Scouts, dance classes, after school clubs, spending time with friends, etc.

Don’t think it is that abnormal if you live relatively close to your parents.

This - l would not have a untrained dog in my house it's totally unhygienic for the children, your DM and DSIS are totally unreasonable it's either the children or the dog, it's up to them to decide.