To stop visiting if my sister brings her dog

[carnivalqueenthethird]

My family (husband & 2 kids) and my sister and her fiancé go to our parents every weekend for a roast. It’s something we’ve always done so nothing new.

My kids are 4 and 4 months old.

My sister has a new puppy - very cute but obviously hyper. At some point she has agreed with my mum that she can bring the dog round with her every weekend and I’m not happy about it for a couple of reasons.

Firstly the dog albeit a puppy is not being trained so it’s a complete nightmare, shits and wee’s everywhere, no recall etc. I know it will take time but my sister and her fiancé don’t really have the time to train a dog (not sure why they got one in the first place, because their work patterns and lifestyle do not lend themselves to taking care of a dog), so this isn’t going to change any time soon, if at all.

Secondly the dog is constantly jumping up at everyone, playing but biting, its teeth are needle sharp and my 4 year old got bitten last week and it punctured his finger, he now doesn’t like the dog. I also can’t put my baby down on the floor at any point because I know the dog is going to jump all over him and potentially scratch/bite. We are there for a good 5/6 hours every time we go, so to hold a baby for that long is difficult.

I told my parents that we won’t be coming round every weekend if the dog is there. My sister has flown off the handle, which I’m used to, but is saying she can’t leave the dog alone as it’s too young. My mum has started guilt tripping me by saying I’m keeping her grandchildren away.

I have said, I’m not keeping the kids away maliciously, I’m happy to come round if the dog isn’t there, but im not prepared for my oldest to be scared in a house he should feel safe in, and for us to not be able to put the baby down on the floor to play all day. I have suggested if my sister can’t leave the dog, maybe she or her fiancé should be the one staying home.

The conversation hasn’t gone down well at all, totally blown out of proportion to be honest and now I’m starting to second guess myself on whether I am being unreasonable or not?

Thoughts?

This OP.

Exactly what I was going to say. Crate train the puppy so it can be in the same house, but it learns when it is in the crate, it is quiet time to sleep and rest. The owner (Dsis) should be doing this, so it learns not to jump up and bite. Good luck x

They aren’t training the dog.

Good for you OP. You’ve done the right thing. And don’t let them bully you into changing your mind.

I got sick of my brothers dog constantly knocking my children over. It’s a huge staffy and they would pop balloons around it to wind him up even more. My mum would sit on the couch encouraging my young daughter to give the dog a kiss when she clearly didn’t want to. If he knocked one of the children over they wouldn’t bat an eyelid.

The dog (who is absolutely massive and is like a dog version of the Incredible Hulk - just not green) would clamber all over my lap, and they would act as if I was a fool when I reacted badly to it. I don’t see them anymore anyway, but I don’t understand why people get dogs and just expect everyone else to put up with them when they didn’t ask to.

If you'd RTFT, you'd know that the house is open plan, so not possible to have dog in a different room, and sister refuses to train the dog OR buy a crate.

Compromise.

Your sister keeps the dog under proper control eg on a lead, and acknowledges that the dog and the children need to be kept apart., and that it is her responsibility to stop the dog approaching your DC. Your sister & fiance teach the dog how to behave around children.

You take a playpen or something like that for your baby, so she can be on the floor but protected from the dog. And you start to teach your 4 yar old about how to approach a dog - young children often don't know how to approach even the most friendly dog, and do things which put dogs on the defensive. It's a good thing to teach a child how to behave around dogs.

But you've gone in nuclear and emotionally blackmailing.

You & your family are not more important than your sister & her family in your mother's home.

Don't back down op, your sister sounds like a complete eejit!

Oh my goodness. Your baby comes first. Dogs are dangerous if untrained especially with babies that can't defend themselves...ssssooooo many horrific stories in the news of dogs killing children. Just refuse to go

Agree completely with this.

are you crazy? have you read the thread? OP suggested all manner of compromises that were rejected and yes, her children are more important than a dog.

You are completely in the right OP and are handling this very well. It’s amazing you’ve managed to not have a family fall out/situation before with a sister like that!

I would be wary that when your sister has kids (if she does) they will be the focus of your mums life. Your sister will have her maternity leave- where do you think she’ll spend it, at your mums? I would just be on high alert for your kids getting sidelined and being upset at the favouritism. Obviously that is a long way away but sometimes it’s best to be prepared and quietly retreat.

I also hate how some American words have slipped into our vocabulary. Hate play date what’s up with just going to Mary’s house to play?

Some now say stroller instead of pram or buggy.

Can no longer say the slang word for cigarette because fa*got is offensive in the US.

But the right wing still insist we are being taken over by Muslims. Even though we now have a lot of American traditions school proms gender reveals and baby showers. All while saying they won’t go to the US with what’s going on.

Stay strong OP and don’t be bullied! Your sister sounds totally unreasonable and has obviously leaned that if she has a tantrum, your parents will immediately cave in and take her side. Your child has already been bitten, your baby is at risk, make alternative arrangements until such time as you feel you can visit without danger. You are completely in the right but are being gaslighted so that you doubt yourself. I feel angry on your behalf!

I’d be in hospital for alcohol poisoning if I turned this thread into a drinking game of how many posters who have not read all of OP’s posts suggested a crate, a separate room, or made out as if OP is being unreasonable not to want her children around a bad owner and an untrained puppy they shouldn’t have gotten in the first place, especially since they couldn’t get a rescue due to their lifestyle.

The sister and her guy leave the dog alone while they work during the week but one can’t stay with it alone on one weekend day

Considering she called her 4 yo nephew a wimp after her puppy bit them, says a lot about how much sense she has.

her children are more important than a dog.

But not to her sister, who is not less important than the OP. The OP is assuming that as the reproducer and producer of grandchildren she is more important than her sister. Compromise is needed.

Please suggest a compromise that has not already been suggested by the OP. That would be a helpful contribution to the thread.

Nothing will change until you stop going for a few weeks & they realise that you mean it.

Even then it might not as your mum won't push your sister to do anything.

Don't you all even go for a walk together with the dog rather than just the garden?

Given the dog is the one hurting the child, id say the child’s safety is more important than the dog’s comfort

I knew it would be a cockapoo.

YANBU at all, I say this as someone with kids and dogs. Kids safety and well being is a priority, especially with them being so young.

it sounds like you’ve made loads of suggestions and they’re not willing to consider them so it’s time for them to accept the consequences of that!

OP, I've read the whole thread and I just have so much sympathy for you. I have a similar family dynamic, minus the dog. I know the dog is what we're focusing on, but I actually think the problem is more that your sister rules the roost with her emotional immaturity, and everyone has to walk on eggshells around her.

Your mother is going to have a very difficult decision to make: Choose to see the grandkids at her house, or give in to her other daughter's batshit behaviour with her dog. I really hope that she chooses the grandkids, but knowing how these family dynamics play out, don't be surprised if your sister prevails, and you are labeled mean, unkind, paranoid, or divisive, because you've 'kept the family apart' due to having completely normal boundaries.

You are absolutely doing the right thing keeping your DC away from the dog. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise. Like a PP said, make your own traditions as a family of 4 on this precious weekend day, and then reassess if/once the dog is trained. Hopefully your sister will eventually grow tired of it, and the dog will end up with a more suitable owner.

Not to mention how unhygienic it is having a dog weeing and pooping where a child might be crawling around. It’s gross.

If the OP’s sister hasn’t got time to train the dog, she could use one of her free weekends from not visiting mum and dad to do it.

Once dog is trained, OP and family can return.

Yes, I fear that when the OP shows she's serious, and no longer attends the weekend family lunch with the grandkids, that her mother will side with the sister and dog. That would be so heartbreaking for OP. I know all about this kind of dynamic.

Tbh I think you and your sister are both being unreasonable and selfish.
Have the puppy on a lead at your parents, help the puppy learn how to behave appropriately around children. Help the children learn how to behave around dogs. Don’t have a free for all where the puppy just runs around getting excited and jumping up at everyone.
You all need to put effort in to make it work. I bet your sister has made efforts in the past with your children (which were your choice to have), now her choice is a puppy so try to help achieve a positive outcome.
A bit more support, love and flexibility from everyone and you’ll be back to regular happy meet ups. Good luck, I hope it all works out well.

Honestly yes I do think you’re being unreasonable.

You don’t need to be a dog expert but ultimately this is a brand new puppy, like babies it will go through a teething phase. It’s not permanent and it can be managed. It’s different from out of control biting and aggression that you seem to be lumping it in with. Seems a bit OTT to split your family up over that. You just need to give the puppy some allowance to learn how to behave properly.

What you need is some sort of mutual understanding/agreement with your sister that she needs to keep the puppy away from your kids and redirect it when it’s teething. So if it’s being mouthy, she personally needs to step in, separate the dog? Redirect the teething urges with a toy or something. She needs to understand and acknowledge that your 4 year old is now scared of the dog and take you seriously with some sort of responsibility to prevent future issues

But ultimately I do think it’s something you can work out without a divide going forward. You can’t expect a fresh to the world dog to get it right the first time, this is the first time it has been around children whilst simultaneously going through teething etc. That doesn’t mean to say, the dog will always behave like this.