To stop visiting if my sister brings her dog

[carnivalqueenthethird]

My family (husband & 2 kids) and my sister and her fiancé go to our parents every weekend for a roast. It’s something we’ve always done so nothing new.

My kids are 4 and 4 months old.

My sister has a new puppy - very cute but obviously hyper. At some point she has agreed with my mum that she can bring the dog round with her every weekend and I’m not happy about it for a couple of reasons.

Firstly the dog albeit a puppy is not being trained so it’s a complete nightmare, shits and wee’s everywhere, no recall etc. I know it will take time but my sister and her fiancé don’t really have the time to train a dog (not sure why they got one in the first place, because their work patterns and lifestyle do not lend themselves to taking care of a dog), so this isn’t going to change any time soon, if at all.

Secondly the dog is constantly jumping up at everyone, playing but biting, its teeth are needle sharp and my 4 year old got bitten last week and it punctured his finger, he now doesn’t like the dog. I also can’t put my baby down on the floor at any point because I know the dog is going to jump all over him and potentially scratch/bite. We are there for a good 5/6 hours every time we go, so to hold a baby for that long is difficult.

I told my parents that we won’t be coming round every weekend if the dog is there. My sister has flown off the handle, which I’m used to, but is saying she can’t leave the dog alone as it’s too young. My mum has started guilt tripping me by saying I’m keeping her grandchildren away.

I have said, I’m not keeping the kids away maliciously, I’m happy to come round if the dog isn’t there, but im not prepared for my oldest to be scared in a house he should feel safe in, and for us to not be able to put the baby down on the floor to play all day. I have suggested if my sister can’t leave the dog, maybe she or her fiancé should be the one staying home.

The conversation hasn’t gone down well at all, totally blown out of proportion to be honest and now I’m starting to second guess myself on whether I am being unreasonable or not?

Thoughts?

🤷‍♀️ Not sure why it’s controversial when I suggest it but reasonable when someone else does.

Where did I say it was reasonable to one poster and controversial to you?

If it works great but considering how sister is as an owner, I doubt she is going to leash the dog for 5 hours. I’d bet she would put a leash on the dog and let it run around unless her, her guy and OP’s parents take turns holding the leash.

Why do people always say this?
Many houses don't have separate rooms. Eg on the ground floor of my house there is a living/dining room and a kitchen. Nowhere separate to put a puppy unless it's on a bedroom upstairs and I certainly wouldn't be happy about that
OP I don't think he you are being serious at all. Suggest alternate weekends of your sister won't agree to that and your mother complains about not seeing the grandchildren invite her (not not your sister) to your house
Actually I think 5 or 6 hours every week at your parents house is a lot anyway. Doesn't it really restrict what you can do at the weekend?

Ok… but the OP won’t know unless she suggests it. So I think she should try that first to see if a compromise can be made. If not then she makes the decision that’s best for her family. Why is that so difficult?

I don't think someone who called their 4 year old nephew a wimp can be called an amazing aunt.

Why would we not ask about the most logical solution? OP’s mother presumably would also not be happy to put a puppy in a bedroom so instead she sold prefer her daughter to hold her baby for 5-6 hours instead of being able to put it him/her on the floor to play. She’s also happy to accept her other grandchild is scared of the dog as long as the dog is not put in a bedroom. You have to wonder sometimes about priorities…protecting the bedroom and making sure the dog is ok seem to be the priority here.

I would step back. Maintain your position, keep a reasonable tone, offer to see parents at your house or at different times to the dog. Don't give any grounds for any reasonable person to lay fault at your door, it will work itself out in the end either because the dog will be rehomed or trained properly or can be left for longer periods to trash your sisters house.

Realistically even if your sister was religiously and firmly training the dog, you would need to be cautious for at least a couple of years with such young children and an excitable breed so you might as well assume that your visiting patterns would need to change anyway.

She is an amazing aunt in general, just not when it comes to this dog.

Leave out the dog. She's okay when she gets her way.

She called your son a name when he was bitten. She's cool with your baby crawling in the remains of her dog's urine and feces. That place needs professional carpet cleaning.

Your whole family is not amazing and I think the fog is going to be lifting a bit for you as to what's really going on here. Prepare yourself for a shit storm if you don't allow your children to be the dog's chew toys.

Her ideal of her dog dragging your kid around in his sleep suit, um, that's the opposite of cute. It's horrific.

Don't let your crazy sister in your house. She needs to grow up. Yout mother appears to be enabling her ridiculous behaviour.

I'd start making new family traditions and going out on Sundays or having your own Sunday lunches at home. I appreciate you like spending time with your family but every single Sunday sounds suffocating and you sound far too enmeshed with your mother and sister. It's your parents's fault that your sister is a spoilt brat vying for everyone's attention and and they will now have to live with the consequences of favouring her over you and her mutt over their grandchildren.

If you think your father could be persuaded to cut the apron strings you could invite him over to yours for a meal and to spend time with his grandson. If he hasn't got the balls to stand up to your Mum then his loss.

Honestly I'd be taking a huge step back from the whole dysfunctional lot of them. There is a big wide world out there that doesn't revolve around your ridiculous sister and her demands, get out there and explore it.

At risk of repeating what everyone else has said - with reasonable dog owners there would be lots of options to have both dog and kids in same house at same time. These don't sound like reasonable dog owners. Be wary of sister 'agreeing' to crate/playpen/lead etc (esp if you stick to your guns and don't visit) and then conveniently 'forgetting' when you're actually there. I wouldn't trust her or your mum to put sensible measures in place every week unfortunately. It's a shame, it could have been lovely for the kids to have a pup to interact safely with, but it's just not possible if pup's owner is not willing to focus on the 'safely' part...
We have recently taken on a kitten with older children than yours. My older one is nervous because kitten is very fast and tends to climb legs. So they are not together unless I'm supervising. Younger child loves kitten but tends to get a bit bouncy so again I am supervising. Visiting children will be supervised very carefully to keep both kitten and child safe and happy.

I will also be telling anyone who might visit that we have a kitten/cat and fully respect that some people don't like cats/are allergic etc and work out a compromise eg meet out of house, shut cat in separate room etc.

Sorry when I say OP is not being serious it should say she is not being unreasonable. That somewhat changes the meaning!
She is protecting her children which is what she should do. The welfare of a child is always more important than a dog. And if the sister and grandmother can't accept that or guarantee the safety of the children she should definitely stay away. I was particularly concerned about the sister saying she can't wait for the puppy to be big enough to drag the baby and that she laughs when the puppy bites. Has she never read about children being fatally injured by pet dogs?

I agree with those who are advising you to end this weekend tradition immediately.
Enjoy your own family time, and maybe bring your father over for ‘manly pursuits’ with DH and your son on Saturday afternoons?
Your mum could visit during the week.
I’d avoid that strange sister like the plague, myself. I really don’t like the cut of her jib.

But what really angers me from your story is the plight of the poor puppy.
He should not be living with people like this (nor should any other animal.)
They are practising serious abuse on him by leaving him alone so much, and by allowing him to develop bad habits, which will mean he suffers for them as a mature dog.
They appear to have little interest in him as a dog per se. As you say, he’s an accessory. Repellent behaviour!

Honestly, I’d report them, if that can be done with guaranteed anonymity.
(The breeder should be shamed online too of course, for his business naturally, but mainly for selling to such clearly unsuitable owners.)

From the OP's posts to date, I imagine the 'fight' will come from both sister AND mother.

Yup. All very sensible advice. A 4 year old is old enough to learn about how to be around animals.

It's a family, it's compromise.

Of course YANBU but be more consilatory saying it's just temporary until they have training sorted. Until then, you'll have to go alternate weekends. Though tbh I think every weekend with parents is excessive anyway.

But what really angers me from your story is the plight of the poor puppy.
He should not be living with people like this (nor should any other animal.)
They are practising serious abuse on him by leaving him alone so much, and by allowing him to develop bad habits, which will mean he suffers for them as a mature dog.
They appear to have little interest in him as a dog per se. As you say, he’s an accessory. Repellent behaviour!

What @Millytante said is true. That they're out of the house so much 6 days a week, that's abusive. The shelter wouldn't let them adopt because they aren't able to be decent dog owners.

I suspect they got the puppy to get your mom's attention back to your sister. That's a really poor reason to have a live animal that needs a lot of training and care and doesn't like to be solitary.

This is a VERY good point!

Given that you have already posted
"I have a sneaking suspicion that my mum has been going round every day for a hour or so to check on the dog, but she won’t admit it. Before they got the dog, I had an argument with my mum about it and in that argument, told her she would end up looking after it for them. So she won’t want me to know and prove her wrong."

Your mother therefore has form for keeping things from you, and I'm pretty sure she'd keep from you that she'd taken your baby with her to sort out the undoubtedly-still-untrained dog, or that your sister had dropped the undoubtedly-still-untrained dog round to your mum whilst your baby was there. Because "she won’t want me to know".

"I can see it going this way, but it will be my parents that end up with the dog or they will be going to their house every day to let it out or looking after it at home for them to pick up after work. I can just see it now! Will be another interesting conversation when I go back to work as my mum wants to look after baby for us one day a week, but obviously she won’t be doing that if the dog is there!"
You're already anticipating this. I would get your childcare sorted out without discussing it with your mother, and when the time comes just express surprise that she thinks you'd be happy with that given how she has consistently prioritised her daughter's undoubtedly-still-untrained dog over her grandchildren. With a bit of luck, by keeping your children separate from the undoubtedly-still-untrained dog, you'll have trained your mother enough that she will not ask. But I wouldn't trust her for childcare, which is a sad state of affairs.

Oh, and just to say OP, expect some SERIOUS pushback from your whole family. You've already acknowledged your sister is a Golden Child. The full family set-up is One Narcissist Parent, One Enabler Parent, One Golden Child, One Scapegoat.

The dynamic is the Golden Child can do no wrong, is pandered to by the Narcissist Parent, who is backed up by the Enabler Parent, and the Scapegoat is punished for not pandering to the Golden Child.

You have just failed to pander to the Golden Child by prioritising your son's needs over her ridiculous wants. Narcissist Parent and Golden Child have begun their punishment by rejecting all compromises suggested by the Scapegoat, backing the Scapegoat into a corner and trying to guilt the Scapegoat into resuming pandering. Scapegoat has stuck to her guns, so punishment will be forthcoming. Enabler Parent remains hovering in the background ("My dad tends to stay out of it unless it really kicks off.")

https://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/mothers-with-narcissistic-personality-disorder/golden-child-and-scapegoat/

Because the sister is the one saying she wants to see the kids. Therefore OP now has leverage.

Probably not badly enough to put her pup on a lead though!

I mean when Op's son was bitten & OP said she wouldn't go when the dog is there, no one seems to have said well what can we do to resolve this.

Just but I want to see my GC, I want to see my nephew/niece & carnivalqueenthethird is preventing that.

Broken record time. "The dog bit my child, as a responsible parent I can't allow my tiny children to be around a dog that may bite". Refuse to get involved in any debates, guilt tripping all the rest- just keep repeating that you can't have your kids around an unrestrained dog which has already bitten one of them.

I agree, OP needs to be the immovable object in order to prevent anyone else from being the unstoppable force.

Thsi probably runs deeper than just rhe puppy it sounds like your sister is an entitled menace anyway. If it wasnt this it would be something else.
I feek very angry for you that no one is thinking of your children's safety.

I know you said you did not know anyone with a suitable dog to help your son get over the bite , so I thought I would mention how my dog is used. I live near a school and my small dog is used by all the mums who have had similar experiences to you or when their children are just terrified of dogs. If you do the school or nursery run, just pick a friendly face and dog.

For what it is worth, my dog goes everywhere with me but he has been trained to withstand toddler kicks and pokes and has a canvass hold-all that he can retire to. Would your mum agree to a canvass type crate as they can be folded down or stored in a spare bedroom or garage during the week?

Who said it was? I’n only going off of all the things OP has already suggested (and was shot down) and what the sister has already demonstrated.

The sister has demonstrated she doesn’t care about her nephews when it comes to their safety or their wellbeing. What reasonable person calls a 4 yo a wimp when their dog bites them? She doesn’t care about the mess she allows the puppy to leave behind allowing her puppy to pee and poo because it’s a puppy, her “baby” nor has shown any initiative into training said puppy properly and she definitely doesn’t care about the puppy itself since she leaves it at home alone for hours on end while she is it at work. If she sees this puppy as the equivalent of a human baby, I dread to think how she would be if she actually had a baby.

As I said, yes, a leash is a possibility but going off of previous interactions, I wouldn’t particularly trust the sister to keep to it and not throw a tantrum if OP took the kids and left and OP would be once again having to deal with sister and her enabling parents but it would be in front of her children vs saying no now.