Should she be stepping up more?

[LucyYak21]

My long term partner has recently moved in (within the last couple of months) with me and my child (10, autistic).

She is good in lots of ways (she makes sure the washing up is always done, she will do half of the work for my child and help out with the dog).

I have a long term health issue, and they have recently found out that I have a profound vitamin d deficiency (they said they could not find a detectable amount in my blood, my levels are that low). All of my health issues along with this new issue, has left me absolutely floored. I am exhausted all of the time to the point where I can just about do things for my child, but then have no energy to look after myself or the house. I am not able to work at the moment because of it and I am on long term sickness.

Normally I am very on the ball and on top of everything - the housework, the washing, etc - but I have massively fallen behind (the house is always tidy but hasn’t been cleaned for 2-3 weeks properly) and it’s getting me quite upset and overwhelmed because I physically don’t have the strength or energy to catch up with it at the moment.

My partner gets about 2-3 days off a week but has quite decent hours and either starts at 2pm in the afternoon, finishes at 2pm or works night shifts and obviously then is at home during the day.

I have started to notice how she is good in lots of ways but equally quite lazy in others. For example, she knows how unwell I have been and how overwhelmed I am with the house etc. She had 3 days off at the beginning of the week - didn’t do any housework (even wiping down some surfaces or giving everything a quick dusting), didn’t do any clothes washing for us all, anything to actually help lessen my burden.

I feel like how I’m feeling physically and mentally could be slightly clouding my judgement so asking for some KIND opinions please - do I need to have a conversation with her about stepping up more whilst I am unwell or is she doing enough at the moment trying to look after us all during this time and housework/washing clothes etc can be caught up with at another time?

Yes you both need to have a conversation. But, I wouldn’t call her lazy because that will get off on the wrong foot.

Your child, you need to be 100% responsible for. Imagine how you’d look after them if she wasn’t there. Will regard to housework, you need to divide up the responsibilities into what you can and can’t do. Even with you disability, there must be something you could do each day. Whether you load the washing machine in the morning and she hangs it out when she gets home, or you fold the clothes when they’re dry etc.

She probably didn’t imagine moving in and instantly becoming your carer, so I think you need to consider how she feels as well.

I hope the Vit D starts working soon and you feel better. I know it’s hard at this time of the year, but every time you see the sun out, try to sit outside for an hour (wrapped up obviously), it won’t increase your level enough so you’ll still need to take the tablets but it might get you into a good routine.

First reply nails it.

YABVU. She isn't responsible for your child at all. I'm sorry but you sound massively entitled.

In regards to not expecting to be my carer - she has always been aware of my health conditions and how bad they can be - before moving in, she spent most of her time here so it’s not a massive shock. I usually manage very well despite my health issues and keep on top of everything without having to ask for help. This new very very low vitamin d levels have just left me so so fatigued to the point where I’m having to sleep for hours during the day to be able to care for my child before and after school.

You have given me some really good advice that I will take onboard thank you.

Exactly as above. You cannot expect her to become your carer. Sounds like she is doing a lot already. Can you make arrangements for a parent, good family friend or cleaner to come and help share the cleaning load? Night shifts probably mean your partner needs to sleep on her "time off", so expecting her to also manage the house single-handledly is too much I'd say, plus helping with your child. You've only been together for 10 months so your demands need to be adjusted accordingly, in my opinion.

She’s presumably your partner and not your carer, nanny or cleaner?

If that’s the case YABU.
women are not there to fill a domestic gap in what you can’t do.
get occupational therapy involved, apply for PIP so you are doing all you can to hire a cleaner.

Gosh, that was aggressive. That poster was presumably referencing the fact that you state that your parter ‘will do half of the work for my child’.

We have been together a lot longer than 10 months, where did you get that from? 😂 and I do everything for my child and never expect anything from her for that side of things - she will offer to get up with her in the mornings or get her on and off the school bus - I never ever tell her to do anything where my child is concerned. I’m talking about the house we both share and live in but she does no actual cleaning for and it’s all left to me even though she creates half the mess.

It sounds like you moved her in so she would be your carer and cleaner and you’re disappointed in the service you ordered.

is she contributing financially?

Because she offers to, I never ever expect anything towards my child and I do all the main things for her. My partner will offer to get up with her in the mornings that she is here for example, or cook her the odd dinner or put her on and off the school bus if she is at home. I do most of the actual caring parts for her. I’m talking mainly about house things.

It's a big change going f from a visitor to a full time live in partner.
I suggest you get a cleaner

Didn’t take long to turn nasty did it

That poster didn’t mention your child out of thin air, YOU mentioned your OH does half the work with your child. Thats a hell of a lot more than you’re entitled to, why can’t you be glad of just that, is the point.

Not at all, I didn’t want to live together if it counts for anything because I am used to living alone, she wanted to live here. Ableist much? 😂 and she pays half towards house costs and then her own personal costs. I support myself and my child financially.

Yup first post nails it

And she had no obligstion to "step up more"
You need to understand she may have different standards to you and you are asking her to work to your standards when you can only and are only providing minimum input.

I appreciate you mentioning she has 2-3 days off each week and should do more in this time. However you are off all the time, I appreciate you mention you are very tired, and I get that, I have an auto immune condition which leaves me exhausted. But when your child is at school could you do a little housework - 10 mins, then have a 30 min rest and so on. Or could you apply for PIP if you have a long term disability, and use some of it towards a cleaner/meal deliveries/childcare etc to reduce the strain on both you and your partner?

Then maybe ask your partner not to do anything for your child and to use that time to do housework?

Indeed I was. If the OP speaks to their partner the way they do to people on this thread, the poor woman needs to run far and fast.

I think dusting, wiping down surfaces and hoovering a house you live in isn’t exactly a high standard is it - it’s the norm unless you live in filth.

The fact you don’t ask is completely irrelevant

she still does it and given how you just expect her to be a good little woman and crack on with cleaning tells me you DO silently expect her to do all these things.

Its also quite hard for someone to actively not help children when they are around them.

Okay 😂 funny how if I was talking about a man here the answers would be completely different!

Apologies, I realise you have said child is 10, not how long you've been together. But yes, I don't think it's fair to expect your partner to take on all the load alongside working FT. Definitely try to reach another solution.

If she pays half towards the house costs then you can’t expect her to do all the cleaning and half the childcare too (BTW she does contribute to your child if she’s helping with bills)

It’s ableist to tell someone to get occupational therapy and apply for PIP. OK then.

You ab e to see how it looks - she’s suddenly moved in and all of a sudden you expect a cook cleaner and nanny. But of a coincidence is all

You don't mention your DP having any DC, a childfree person does less housework because the house stays tidier, less laundry, less routine necessary, maybe your DP hasn't taken onboard it's different now

Agreed

I wonder if the OP gets as nasty when his OH disagrees with what they say.