Would you go on this hen do?

[auntfanny6]

Abroad for 4 nights to a Spanish resort in summer. Will require annual leave and quite expensive. Those things are annoying and inconvenient but doable. But I’ve never left my 4 year old overnight and am very anxious at the prospect. Dh will look after her but I feel like I will spend the whole run up to it dreading going away and just miss them while I’m away. I know this will probably sound tragic to many mums but when you have no family support and you’re with your kids all the time it feels like a big deal to leave them for that length of time.

I feel somewhat aggrieved at being put in this position as I know the bride will be royally hacked off if I don’t go (she is a close friend and it’s a small, intimate hen party so any absences will be noticed). But also, why can’t it just be a night out or even a night or two away in the uk?

Just say no. That's a massive expense, doesn't sound like you want to do it, and you don't want to leave your kids.

And to be honest, just not wanting to do it would be enough.

When people decide on these things they ought to be aware that it won't work for everyone....

If the bride would genuinely fall out with you about this, then she is a shit, selfish person and not a good friend, seriously!

It’s completely unreasonable of you to resent the bride for having the hen trip she wants. If it’s inconvenient for you, then decline the invitation. Your own behaviour is all you can control.

She is of course entitled to have the hen do that she wants. But what she also wants is us all to be there. And I know it will cause big offence and upset if I don’t go along with what she wants. I am going to feel guilty whether I go or not.

Honestly I don’t think your missed presence will be that big of a deal. Lots of hen dos come down to number invites, even if it’s an intimate setting.

I would not go and would say it’s not affordable for me - the costs will keep going up for food, drink, airport transfers, incidentals etc plus someone will decide that you all need to chip in for bridal party outfits, decorations, a gift for her etc.

Work on a non-negotiable phrase that she can’t dispute with you, and maybe offer to take her out for drinks/dinner/afternoon tea etc instead. If she turns into bridezilla then she’s not much of a friend.

Nope. Wait a few days and then say you couldn't get time off work . You could even hint at time off issues now then follow it up. That's if you want to be diplomatic. I... probably wouldn't be because it's bonkers to me that someone would believe that their wedding deserves all of this fuss and commitment and participation.

Whoever organised this is being totally unreasonable. 4 days in summer in Spain is what lots of families save up all year for as an annual holiday.

Hen parties are totally over the top. So much more relaxing to go out for a meal and a few glasses of wine locally. When did it all become so stupid?

Don't go. Nobody wants to do that.

I’d never waste annual leave on someone’s hen do, unless it was something I really wanted to do and the Bride was perhaps a close relative, such as a sister.

But the sort of bride that wants a hen do abroad costing £££ is likely to be a self absorbed Bridezilla so I’d probably give it a wide berth.

This is kind of what I think privately. My hen do was a night out in the local pub. I had great fun and was very grateful to my friends who organised a cake and balloons etc but it wouldn’t have cost a fraction of what I’m being asked to pay for this. It’s not even the money, it’s the time. Time off work, time away from the kids and the logistics of sorting all of that out. Family life is hectic and full on at the best of times. I really feel awful about letting my friend down and I know she will be upset but it’s just a lot to ask isn’t it?

But what she also wants is us all to be there. And I know it will cause big offence and upset if I don’t go along with what she wants.

She doesn't sound like a very nice person really, if her wants override everyone else's wants, feelings, bank balances and annual leave!

Im assuming the bride is a single person with no children. The reasons you explained in your OP (finances/lack of leave/not wanting to leave small child) are completely adequate and understandable ones for not attending. I would do as another poster has suggested and say you are not able to get leave from work.

Message one: Dear Trudy, summer is our busiest time at work and the holiday rota is set in stone. I will ask but I doubt that I can get the time off.

Message two: Dear Trudy, just as I feared the manager said a big fat NO. Nor will she allow unpaid leave. And of course I cant just pull a sickie having asked for those dates. So unfortunately I will not be able to join you. I hope you all have a wonderful time. Maybe we can meet for lunch or drinks one everning instead.

You’re not responsible for her feelings. She’s allowed to invite. You’re allowed to decline.

If you think it’s too expensive, don’t want to use the holiday time, or don’t really like that sort of thing, then YANBU to say you can’t go.

But it sounds like it would do you good to have a night away from your 4 year old. It’s good for you, mentally, to know you can go away and your DC will be fine. It’s good for your DH to have one on one bonding time. It’s good for you to have the freedom to do things with friends occasionally. Doesn’t have to be a 4 day trip abroad. But it’s not a bad opportunity if you like that sort of holiday and you can afford it.

You have a choice here - to feel guilty or resentful.

Dont go. You will feel guilt - but that will pass to relief. Tell her today and you will feel relieved soon.

Go and then you will trigger resentment which will grow and grow. This will continue to grow from where it is now until the day you go, when you are there every minute and then when you come back seething about cost, annual leave and your DD. That is the way to bury your friendship alive.

Don’t do that be honest with yourself and protect your friendship by not going.

If there are any mums of younger kids going, they'll likely think you're being totally ridiculous if that's the reason you give for declining. She's 4, she'll be with her dad, you're going to have to leave her sometime. Woman up!

When did it all become so stupid?

Well that would coincide with people wanting to look like a sleb on insta...

I wouldn't go if I didn't want to. but if I did want to I'd be fine with leaving my child for that amount of time, I just don't really like that kind of hen do (too expensive, too much hassle too drawn out) and would use any excuse to get out of it regardless of who it was. People shouldn't have that kind of expectation.

I agree! It's one thing if you can't afford it it's not your thing. But don't use not wanting to leave your 4 year old child with their dad a the excuse if you don't want eye rolls.

I probably wouldn't go as I think the whole abroad hen do it a bit pathetic ' come celebrate marriage before the main celebration of my marriage' type thing.

But I wouldn't base my decision on not leaving my 4 year old. A breastfeeding baby I wouldn't leave, and a toddler who didn't understand wyer3 I was or when I'd come back I wouldn't leave. But a school age child should be able to understand that you have friends that you want to spend time with, the same way that they don't want you watching their every second on a playdate. And I'm totally comfortable leaving my kids with my husband as he is their other parent and has demonstrated he is equally as capable of taking care of them as I am

“I am going to feel guilty whether I go or not.”

Well you shouldn’t! Just say to her that you would’ve loved to be there for her but it’s just too expensive and you can’t afford the annual leave either. If she’s disapproving then she’s not a very good friend! Hen dos like these demand far too much from people.

No, I wouldn't

Guilt is a choice.

Exactly, no chance I would go and even more chance I would not feel guilty because it is a choice

Reframe it. It is selfish to EXPECT a person with a young family to use annual leave and considerable amounts of money to celebrate something you chose to do for yourself.

Well no the bride can whatever hen do they want people dont have to go, people can own their decision to say no