Would you go on this hen do?

[auntfanny6]

Abroad for 4 nights to a Spanish resort in summer. Will require annual leave and quite expensive. Those things are annoying and inconvenient but doable. But I’ve never left my 4 year old overnight and am very anxious at the prospect. Dh will look after her but I feel like I will spend the whole run up to it dreading going away and just miss them while I’m away. I know this will probably sound tragic to many mums but when you have no family support and you’re with your kids all the time it feels like a big deal to leave them for that length of time.

I feel somewhat aggrieved at being put in this position as I know the bride will be royally hacked off if I don’t go (she is a close friend and it’s a small, intimate hen party so any absences will be noticed). But also, why can’t it just be a night out or even a night or two away in the uk?

I think you're doing the right thing for you OP by declining at the outset then the rest of the party including bride know you aren't attending and there will be no expectation.
I would't feel under pressure to lie or make an elaborate excuse, just a simple apologies but unable to commit to the trip due to family. Then remove yourself from the chat group (if there is one) and leave them to it. Once you've got this over with you'll hopefully feel a weight off your shoulders.
I don't have my own children but wouldn't have left little ones Monday to Friday in August using valuable annual leave it's too much to ask

Oh, woman up, OP. You’re not ‘in a difficult position’. You’ve been invited on a trip you don’t want to go on, and you’re being very melodramatic about a possible negative response that has not actually happened.

Do what you want to do, for whatever reasons you see fit, and deal with your friend’s hurt or angry reaction IF it takes place. It’s also perfectly possible she will say ‘Oh, that’s a pity. Well, I’m having a night out for people who can’t make it’ and that will be the end of it.

Is it Benidorm?? Horrible place.
You'd be better off on an overnight to Blackpool.

I think you should just be honest. And as soon as possible. " I'm sorry Margery, but it just doesn't work for me. I've family plans for my annual leave and I just can't afford it"

Because that's what she wants to do.

I would 100% say no. If you’ve never left your 4yo overnight (I get this, I’ve only left my 2.5yo a handful of times) then I don’t think it’s worth it for an event, you don’t really want to go to. I hate how expensive/over the top hen parties have become. I love that meme that says “the feeling when you get added to a group ‘Kelly’s hen 2026 Ibiza.”
anyway, I would send a really nice message, thanking for the invite and explaining your reasons, making money a big one as people understand this more. I’d add in that you can do something else to celebrate her, afternoon tea somewhere quite posh or a spa day.

Hen Night's abroad are just an example of how these sort of celebrations have got well out of control and become really moneyfied over the years.

Stay at home with your young child and don't feel guilty.

You're allowed to say no and tell the truth that you don't want to be away from your family this length of time.
It annoys me how bride to be thinks that everyone should fall into line with what they want just because they're getting married.
Life changes people change you can say no it's not your thing and that's ok x

I wouldn’t go. I’m with you on not wanting to leave kids for that long. Personally I think hen/stag dos have gotten out of hand nowadays in terms of the time and financial expectation that is placed on guests, but that’s just my opinion. She’s obviously entitled to have the hen party she wants but she can’t expect everybody to be up for four nights away in Spain. I’ve declined a hen party before because (at that time) I was the only one in a group of friends with kids and I also simply did not have the money. Everybody was very polite and understanding about it :)

The kid is theoretically being left with the father! Not some stranger. I can’t quite understand why that would be a problem. In their own house with their Dad.

I mean fine not to go if you don’t fancy it or think it’s too expensive. But there’s a bit of a problem if a 4 year old isn’t happy for a few nights with just the Dad (or the Dad can’t cope).

Agree with this ... why are some people on here so horrible in their replies.

I’m with you op. I’d decline. It’s asking too much. If you have a hen do abroad you can’t expect everyone to attend or be disappointed in people if they decline. I had a night out in Bath for my hen do to keep it easy for others, so I don’t feel obliged to go on long/abroad hen do’s…

All very sensible comments here but just to say you do sound like you are making excuses. Time off, expense and away from your child. Find for it to be all of it but do as the others have said, and decline. Hen do will go on without you. I didn’t actually have one has I treated myself to a spa weekend on the weekend of my now husband’s stag do… wives and girlfriends of those on the stag do were not happy but they got together and had a fabulous time (they shared your photos)

@RueLepic I think Op is more worried about the bride being a baby over this.

I get that, but the fact is that all the bride has done yet is invite her. She hasn’t responded negatively to the OP’s refusal. She may never do so. The OP is be8ng melodramatic about something that may never happen.

Why are you being so harsh? OP may have other reasons she doesn’t want to leave her child for 4 nights too that she doesn’t want to share. Child could have medical needs, or perhaps husband isn’t all that hands on/ or maybe not a brilliant dad. It could just be that OP has a dependent style bond but whatever, that’s her relationship with her child and perfectly normal!

OP - have you thought about taking friend out for a coffee and explaining how you feel? That you really want to support her and have a great time together, but that you just don’t feel comfortable and that you wish you did, but you don’t?

Friend may feel hurt initially but if she’s a true friend, she’ll understand. Perhaps you could arrange a night away somewhere local for you two instead?

Wailing? Are you ok? Im flattered she invited me. It’s difficult because I don’t want to do the abroad thing but I also don’t want to let down a friend. Why are people struggling with this?

Anyway following the advice on here I reached out privately to the brides sister who is organising the hen (I don’t know her that well but she’s very nice) and she actually said a few of the others had said similar things so she is going back to the drawing board and thinking of a shorter break closer to home. More than happy to do that as it won’t cost as much and will probably just be for a night or two.

You’re right I was being an over sensitive, melodramatic, martyr with no life outside of my children. Thank you for helping me see the error of my ways.

You have an option between being a good mother and being a monster. Four days away from your child is too long and you know it. So do the right thing and tell your friend that you can't go and if she gets the hump block her and move on.

Listen, that was a fucking stupidly big ask in the first place. Glad they're scaling it down. Don't be afraid to say no, it's a very useful word. Not sure why so many people jumped on your post to be Bridezilla types, but here we are. Five fucking days to 'celebrate' a run up event? Fucking madness.

Don't be mean.

I kinda think these types of hen parties were decent when you could get a relatively cheap package holiday about 5-10 years ago. I think it’s changed days and with the COL and family demands, I think it’s unrealistic now.

OP i would agree. I think it’s too long and too expensive.

Don’t really understand the remarks saying that motherhood is your personality, I think people need to prioritise the things that are important in their life, and that is not unreasonable.

This is the height of mumsnet idiocy

There are some really nasty people on mumsnet these days.