Would you go on this hen do?

[auntfanny6]

Abroad for 4 nights to a Spanish resort in summer. Will require annual leave and quite expensive. Those things are annoying and inconvenient but doable. But I’ve never left my 4 year old overnight and am very anxious at the prospect. Dh will look after her but I feel like I will spend the whole run up to it dreading going away and just miss them while I’m away. I know this will probably sound tragic to many mums but when you have no family support and you’re with your kids all the time it feels like a big deal to leave them for that length of time.

I feel somewhat aggrieved at being put in this position as I know the bride will be royally hacked off if I don’t go (she is a close friend and it’s a small, intimate hen party so any absences will be noticed). But also, why can’t it just be a night out or even a night or two away in the uk?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to not want to go, but if I were you my reasons for not going would be the cost and the use of annual leave. It is simply not a good use of family resources. But I think it’s a bit ridiculous to decline on the basis of not wanting to leave a four year old with her dad.

You may enjoy it. 15yrs ago we went to Spain for a friend hen, but only needed 1.5 days off as arrived thursday 5pm ish, and I was home Sunday night ready for work. DD was 2, and DS5. It wasn’t the first time i’d left them for a break, also went to Spain for 3 days with my best friend the year before. The hen was the best 3 nights i’ve had in years.

That said, if you don’t want to go, then just say you can’t get the time off as others have suggested. That’s the easiest answer as she can’t be personally annoyed at you then.

YABU for getting worked up about going when you clearly don't want to go.

Just don't go. If the bride is a friend she will understand. If she throws her toys out the pram it's not your fault and it's not your problem. She made a decision to have an expensive overseas hen do. She doesn't respect you not care about you if she acts like that.

Don't be emotionally blackmailed. It's not a healthy friendship if that's the only reason for your attendance.

Your friend can organise any hen she wants. Lots of women would be excited about a fun break in the sun with friends but its ok if you aren't for whatever reason. Noone is the wrong one in this scenario, you can decline with the reasons that are valid to you.

4 days for a hen party is a joke. I’d be sick of the sight of them by then

OP, do what you wish to do. Inevitably, we just can't be available for everything all the time, especially with kids, and this is a hen do, not even the actual wedding.

It wouldn't be kind of her to react badly when she is asking a lot from everyone.

A big ask? If I had to guess, she is probably thinking you will LOVE the relaxing break from your hectic family life and welcome the chance for some time hanging out with the girls, having fun and not worrying about little ones. I doubt it has crossed her mind that you agree through gritted teeth and don't really want to go. So when you tell her you don't want to go, and explain your reasons, she'll find them hard to believe. What harried, busy mother of small children wouldn't want a four-day break in a Spanish resort? She will take it personally.

Will she be in the right to do so? Obviously not, but we all know what human nature is like. You can tell her you're not going, and risk the friendship ending, or you can go, and do your best to enjoy it. The worse compromise would be to go but feel resentful the whole time. That won't help anybody.

No need for guilt. It's misplaced.

You've been invited. You're free to say yes or no. If the bride is an adult, she should be able to understand this.

It doesn’t matter what I would do. If I didn’t want to go, I wouldn’t go. You don’t want to go, ergo don’t be a people pleaser and just don’t go.

though FWIW I think it’s fine to not want to leave your kid for that long. I wouldn’t.

She’s probably not single if she’s having a hen do.

Personally no, I wouldn't. I don't do hen do's at the best of times. I even avoid day ones let alone 4 days!! That and the expense so no from me.

I think it’s quite easy these days to get sucked into thinking a hen do abroad is a normal thing. My single friends were all pushing for it.
It was only having read many similar threads to yours Op I looked at my other friends. Clearly most did NOT want a big do. So I had a brilliant huge hen do in the pub as everyone showed up.

Could you say theres no way as you are saving for Disney or something and that you’d organise a night out here to compensate? She gets two hens and can’t really complain you are letting her down.

I doubt that you will be only one on the hen party guest list that feels that way.
Given the present economic climate, summer hotel rates, summer flights, and of course added spending money when you’re there it’s going to be quite a costly trip………I know I wouldn’t be able to afford it.

Be open and honest with your friend and explain your own circumstances perhaps suggesting to organise a separate event back in the UK for an evening hen do that you can afford and would feel comfortable with around childcare.

A true friend would value your honesty. If she berates you then she’s not a genuine friend and not worth the bother.

No way I would have left my 4 year old who isn't used to it for 4 nights for a hen do. Would have had to seriously think about it even for stuff I desperately wanted to do.

@TappyGilmore it's not ridiculous, don't be so judgey and unpleasant. Why should she want to do this? If she doesn't she doesn't.

In the minority on this thread but I like my friends and would love to go so where sunny with them for a few days childfree.

But if you don’t want to go, just say so using one of the responses above.

Not a big ask to take up four days of annual leave, flight accommodation and spending costs, plus family time if you feel that way which it seems the OP does? Okay.

What harried, busy mother of small children wouldn't want a four-day break in a Spanish resort?

Me? Can't think of anything I'd like less...love travel but a hen in a resort, no thanks. It's not like it's free, if she wanted to go to a resort she could go to one. You talk like the bride is doing her some kind of favour.
A mother of small children may be busy but I don't see why she must be harried. I would have happily left my 4 year old for one or two nights but not four, it would have made me sad. Don't really care what people think about that.

Just say no. These bloody hen and stag dos abroad (or even in other UK towns) have got completely out of hand as far as expecting people to spend loads of their own money and holiday time to benefit the bride or groom, especially nowadays when money is tight for a lot of people.

In my day a hen do was a good local evening out, usually a nice meal followed by a club or a couple of bars, people got tipsy rather than shit-faced, and at least one bridesmaid stayed sober to make sure everyone got safely home.

You could much better spend that time and money on a lovely family holiday or days out, rather than worrying constantly about your daughter and home, and then because you're the "responsible type", nursemaiding a gaggle of stupid drunken women falling off their platform shoes on to the nearest horny waiter, or eating some dodgy calamari and throwing up for 24 hours.

How about telling her you really can't afford it and you don't want to leave your daughter, and suggest some of you just go for a meal out somewhere. A real friend wouldn't be pissed off with you at that.

"I'm really sorry Bride to Be but <I can't get the annual leave><DH can't get the time off he'd need to cover all the kids stuff><we haven't got the budget to cover this right now>. I'll take you for a few drinks before the wedding separately".

Insert one of those reasons because they're all valid reasons to not take a trip away. You don't need to go into the fact you don't feel like you're ready to leave DD or any of that. Annual leave is prescious, money is tight for everyone.

Why not go for two out of the four nights? When DC1 was 2 I joined a holiday with friends for two nights abroad (they were staying longer) and genuinely loved it. I think it is important that you are able to leave DD with her dad and trust that he will look after her (unless you have some concerns that aren’t mentioned).

Self indulgent crap. Who do people think they are dictating how others should spend their time and money, and then moaning when they don’t comply?
Just say ‘ Sorry but I don’t want to use my annual leave for this trip, it’s too expensive and I don’t want to leave my 4 year old.’ If she doesn’t like it, tough.

The best and correct way to manage this sort of high-stakes expectation is to treat it like any other invitation and simply decline….very respectfully of course.
No drama, no tears, no guilt, no regrets, just make the decision, let her know and move straight on.
Tell her you have spoken to your DH and family and boss about it and can’t make it work but you all wish her a fabulous hen do.

If the bride has any gumption at all, that reasoning should be good enough for her to graciously accept, but if she is ill-mannered enough not to instinctively understand your dilemma about it all -and question you, then you tell the truth.
‘I’m really sorry if you feel I’m letting you down but we have budget and time off work restrictions, and also a family to consider, and after a lot of very serious consideration, I found it just wasn’t possible. Its disappointing all round but I just have to accept that and hope you can too.’

Try to ignore the guilt OP. If it affects the friendship, then sadly, that’s on her ego.
In a few years time she will probably understand perfectly well and feel really bad about it.

Spoiler: If you dropped dead tomorrow, your kids would be absolutely fine. It's 4 days. Just go and enjoy yourself.

What a stupid thing to say. Of course they wouldn’t. Ever heard of love, connection, trauma?! Are you a robot?

She is entitled to have hen do she wants and of course she should invite you. It would have been hurtful if she didnt. She is also allowed to feel disappointed when people cant make it. However you have done nothing wrong, neither has bride.

If bride causes a fall our over it, that is wrong and her issue. Dont go just to avoid that.

Life’s too short to do something you don’t want to do, any decent friend would recognise you have a small child/would need to take leave etc, if you already know you’ll be dreading it just tell her straight now. Ok