Would you go on this hen do?

[auntfanny6]

Abroad for 4 nights to a Spanish resort in summer. Will require annual leave and quite expensive. Those things are annoying and inconvenient but doable. But I’ve never left my 4 year old overnight and am very anxious at the prospect. Dh will look after her but I feel like I will spend the whole run up to it dreading going away and just miss them while I’m away. I know this will probably sound tragic to many mums but when you have no family support and you’re with your kids all the time it feels like a big deal to leave them for that length of time.

I feel somewhat aggrieved at being put in this position as I know the bride will be royally hacked off if I don’t go (she is a close friend and it’s a small, intimate hen party so any absences will be noticed). But also, why can’t it just be a night out or even a night or two away in the uk?

Totally agree. It’s time you did spend sometime away from her. Let her dad look after her, go away and have a good time. You can’t make your DD the centre of your life.

Could you just go for a couple of nights, not the whole thing?

Yes, its a lot to ask and if you are not ready to leave your child and DH for 4 days yet, you shouldn’t feel pressured into doing so. My kids were at secondary school before I felt okay to go away for a night and at 6thform by the time I went off for a week.

I know you fear offending her, but if not going materially changes the nature of your relationship then (and I am sorry if this sounds trite) but she isn’t really a good friend. A good friend would have couched the invite as ‘I know you have young children and may not be ready or able to get away, so will completely understand if that’s the case, but I wanted you to to know you are invited’.

One day she may have kids and get it. That you have to fib to be diplomatic (which I would probably do too) does show that your friendship is not really what you hope, doesn’t it? Decline using whatever excuse you need to, but don’t beat yourself up about it.

Marriage and parenthood is about choosing your partner and children over everyone else, and about prioritising yourself and your family over your friends.

Could you go for 2 days of it - an overnight - instead of 4?

A lot of suggestions like this, but OP doesn’t want to go, and the flights will be expensive either way. If she doesn’t fancy it, she shouldn’t go.

They wouldn't.

If I went away for 4 days, DD would be absolutely fine. Because I would be coming back

If I dropped dead tomorrow she would be without her mother forever. The trauma of that would live with her forever.

What a completely stupid and insensitive comment.

Her father can provide these things. I'm not saying her daughter wouldn't be affected, but she would ultimately be fine.

Honestly no is a full sentence. Does she have children? If she doesn’t she’s never going to understand ( been in this situation with a ‘friend’ and she fell out with me over not leaving my breast fed 8 month old.
4 nights abroad is a big deal

Just say you cant afford it/ cant get time off/ childcare issues. Destination hen dos and weddings are the height of self absorption imho. Brides who want them always seem to be bridezillas.

You’re not letting her down. She’s putting on an expectation onto you that you can’t meet. It’s actually slightly selfish of her to assume that people can take four days off work and pay hundreds of pounds to support her hen party.

You won’t be the only one considering the cost.

No i wouldnt go. I wouldnt leave my son for 2 nights, and he’s almost 7. I also use up all my annual leave for school holidays so nope!

Thanks for all of the comments. I know it probably seems like I’m dramatising it but it does feel like a genuine dilemma. I’m sure I’d probably enjoy parts of it and look back with fond memories once home but in the midst of it I really think I’d struggle. I have seen the accommodation that’s been suggested and it’s all very small cramped rooms with bunk beds, a bit like a posh hostel and that’s my worst nightmare too. Shared like that when I was younger but as a 40 year old woman with health issues/IBS I very much need my own space!!!

I would happily have left dd and gone away somewhere in the UK for a night or two but 4 nights abroad and all of the travel etc just seems a bit too much. One of the bridesmaids is organising it based on brides wishes so I think I will speak to her.

I agree with previous posters, my best friend in the whole world is getting married abroad and not Europe, I’ve told her I can’t go, due to annual leave and cost etc, she’s been completely understanding, not one bit offended. It doesn’t matter what your reasons are for not going, she should accept it without having an issue. That’s how a close friend should react.

Would I go on the hen do? Dead easy question for me - the answer is NO. No way. Never.

Yes probably, I can afford it and ds loves time with daddy. If you don't want to, don't.

Just say you cannot get the time off, don't be moaning about being away from your child or the accommodation. Keep it neutral or she may go bridezilla on you
Arrange a little UK evening out, meal and drinks/bottomless brunch or something

But you should try and go away and leave 4 year old for a night or two, I understand it's hard but it is good for you both. Even if you do a little uk night out with friends you could book a hotel and get some rest and relax time. Or a spa break with a close friend etc

I'm trying to get into the mindset of the childless/childfree bride to be, and imagine how she might see the situation.

Well of course she wants the people she invited to be there. Otherwise they would not have been invited.

I suspect your 4 year old will be fine with his dad. However, the hen do sounds a nightmare anyway, so just tell you friend you can't get the time off work.

I wouldn't go. I know hen/stag dos abroad have become common now but I still think it's too much. Like you say, the expense and the precious annual leave in order to attend is a big ask. The fact that many have jumped on the bandwagon doesn't alter the fact that it's money I don't want to spend and holiday I don't want to use up.

I'd have been fine leaving my four year old with his dad though.

I’d go to it personally (in fact I’d jump at it), but would understand why someone wouldn’t because of the cost / time commitment. As long as the bride understands not everyone will be able to make it that’s fine; doesn’t seem to be the case here.

Family life can be full on and hectic, which is why a lot of women are really happy when the chance of a three/four day break is offered, with their friends. It's ridiculous to be annoyed that other people want to do this.
I can remember going on, abroad hen do's, in the 1990s, it isn't a Instagram thing, as suggested. It's a women having their own money and not being shamed for wanting something for themselves thing. You are going to head towards peri menopause, you haven't had a night away in four years. Just make sure your world isn't getting unnecessarily small.

If the only way a childless unmarried woman can see the situation is "every woman WOULD LOVE four days of heavy drinking and partying with people they only partially know" then she hasn't ever been exposed to people different to herself.

Even pre marriage and children that would have been my idea of hell.

Well yanbu to not go but personally I'd do it. Sounds like a lovely trip. Your dd will be fine with her dad.

I recently went on a 50th birthday trip to Spain. We had so much fun. Great to have an excuse to get away.

If you can afford it you should consider it.

Unless there's a back story and the hen is not thst important to you. I think people fall out over this stuff if one party is insisting on spending someone's money and also if it becomes apparent where friendship priorities lie.

Also, if the hen is expecting you to pay for her, then it would be reasonable to say no.