Would you go on this hen do?

[auntfanny6]

Abroad for 4 nights to a Spanish resort in summer. Will require annual leave and quite expensive. Those things are annoying and inconvenient but doable. But I’ve never left my 4 year old overnight and am very anxious at the prospect. Dh will look after her but I feel like I will spend the whole run up to it dreading going away and just miss them while I’m away. I know this will probably sound tragic to many mums but when you have no family support and you’re with your kids all the time it feels like a big deal to leave them for that length of time.

I feel somewhat aggrieved at being put in this position as I know the bride will be royally hacked off if I don’t go (she is a close friend and it’s a small, intimate hen party so any absences will be noticed). But also, why can’t it just be a night out or even a night or two away in the uk?

Don't tell her you can’t leave your 4 year old! That does sound a bit wet.

If you really can’t bear the thought of it then make up something about annual leave.

I’ve been married nearly 30 years and had a long weekend away for my hen do … it’s not a new thing.

I went abroad for a friends birthday when my twins were 3, they had a great time with their dad … he was always far more chilled about meals and bedtimes.

Just say you can’t afford it. Job done.

You can’t control hens feelings or reactions.

Im going to Budapest for a hen do early summer. Honestly I can’t wait for a few days with my friends?

Yes I will miss the kids but I also think it’s good for them to understand that’s sometimes sometimes mummy gets to do something for herself. It’s not like it’s every weekend.

If it’s not your thing, fine. It’s a simple as that.

But I think it’s a bit mean spirited to look down on anyone that wants to go away with their friends and would like to spend time with you.

I personally don’t see it being a huge issue leaving a 4 year old either with their dad or with grandparents who the child is used to spending time with (if the parents wanted a break)

However sleeping in bunk beds would be a hell no and if money was tight then no I wouldn’t be doing this anyway but I would be polite and suggest taking her out for dinner or something else

I wouldn’t want to go either, before or after children. Post children I can certainly see the appeal of escaping and the bit I’d probably like most is a nice quiet comfortable bedroom where I could have a few lie ins. Shared room?! Bunk beds?!! Absolutely not, no thank you!

I was in a similar position, went to a hen abroad at huge personal expense when my daughter was four…and I loved it!

I felt awful at first being away but at least half the other hens had kid so I was not alone in feeling like that. Some flew back early the evening before, you could ask when the main event is and either arrive later or leave earlier.

I missed my daughter but had so much fun, I felt it reset me. She was super clingy afterwards but it was such a good break

Losing a parent is traumatic at any age, but we all manage somehow.

Can you afford it?
Do you want to go?
If the answer to both is yes then go.
If the answer to either is no don't go.

I think honestly it comes down to if you really want to attend if you took a 4 year old and annoyance at it being abroad out of the equation.
I wouldn’t go because Spain on the summer sounds horrible to me, I hate heat for a start…
If I could afford it and loved a sunny holiday then I would go, your 4 year old would be fine with their Dad assuming there is no back story.
If you don’t want to go, then just say so in whichever way feels most appropriate. My closest friends know it would be my idea of hell so wouldn’t expect me to go.
If the bride is a good friend then she’ll understand and if she doesn’t then maybe shes not as close a friend as you think she is.

That means it's entirely comparable to 4 nights away, does it?

Grow up.

Say no. Do what YOU want to do. If anyone's annoyed... LET THEM 🤷‍♀️

YANBU. I have no patience for long expensive hen dos. Why someone thinks that just because they are getting married they need to be the centre of everyone’s attention for months on end is utterly beyond me.

No I wouldn’t go. I wouldn’t want to waste annual leave that I could do something with my family, equally I’d rather use the money to make memories with my little girl. If it was somewhere in the uk I wouldn’t possibly go for 1-2 nights max but even doubt that. I wouldn’t want to leave my dd but at least in the uk would be able to get to her if she needed me. My friends all go away a lot and really enjoy the break from family life but they totally understand that I don’t feel the same way and respect it. If she doesn’t understand your reasoning then is she a good friend.

Just seen the accommodation update. It would be a no from me.

I've looked through the OP's posts and heavy drinking and partying hasn't been mentioned. These aren't people the OP partially knows, they are her friends. Although I get that room sharing isn't for everyone, it's hardly hell.

Maybe not for you, but for me it's a thing I'd hate.

That's my point, you can't possibly think that the way you feel about something is how EVERYONE must feel about it?

If it's too expensive or not your thing then by all means don't go- perhaps if the bride is a good friend you could have a nice dinner out with her instead?

But for your own sake, I would get used to leaving your daughter with DH and four nights should be fine at this age. Make sure you have your own identity and know who you are away from your children as one day they will grow up and be independent. What life will you have if everything has been about them?

Just say no.

If she wants all her mates there, she needs to make it accessible

If you haven’t left your daughter before, start with 1 night. Or two. Dont go zero to four if not comfortable

oh now you’re just being facetious. Losing a parent at 5 is very different from 55. Stop derailing the thread with your nonsense.

Just a question. Did you have a hen night where you expected similar of her and your other hens. If not, should definitely not feel guilty.

Bunk beds?
Good God no
Just no

Or, you know, people might like a nice break away with their mates for a few nights. My hen do was a night out at home but I've had a few trips away with friends since I had kids. Some people might feel they can only justify this for some bigger occasions like getting married.

Anyone having an abroad hen do at expense cannot be annoyed by someone not attending, for any reason. If they are, they are a terrible friend and not worth the stress.

Bunk beds? That would be a hell no from me too.