Would you go on this hen do?

[auntfanny6]

Abroad for 4 nights to a Spanish resort in summer. Will require annual leave and quite expensive. Those things are annoying and inconvenient but doable. But I’ve never left my 4 year old overnight and am very anxious at the prospect. Dh will look after her but I feel like I will spend the whole run up to it dreading going away and just miss them while I’m away. I know this will probably sound tragic to many mums but when you have no family support and you’re with your kids all the time it feels like a big deal to leave them for that length of time.

I feel somewhat aggrieved at being put in this position as I know the bride will be royally hacked off if I don’t go (she is a close friend and it’s a small, intimate hen party so any absences will be noticed). But also, why can’t it just be a night out or even a night or two away in the uk?

I’m not ‘being mean’, just pointing out that the OP has been incredibly exercised by anticipating something that hadn’t happened, and now is clearly not going to happen.

She doesn't sound remotely "exercised."

There you go again. I’ve never suggested you go on this hen. Not wanting to leave your child, money and AL are each a perfectly valid reasons not to go. Not wanting to go is a perfectly valid reason not to go.

What I’m saying is that the only behaviour you can control is your own. Just make your choice and deal with the fallout when, and if, it happens. There’s zero point in wasting emotional energy being aggrieved that a friend invited you to something. She hasn’t done anything wrong in inviting. You haven’t done anything wrong in refusing. And, as it happens, there’s no fallout.

Well done for reaching out OP.
4 nights would be far too much for many.

Closer, shorter and cheaper will hopefully happen.

Don't pay any attention to the many needlessly nasty personal posts.

How anyone is brave enough to open a thread on MN is beyond me.

No wonder it has become quieter and duller.

I wouldn’t have gone for four night when my children were that young. I wouldn’t have wanted to and DH would have struggled with work as he works Saturdays. But then I’ve barely been apart from my two who are now secondary school age, which is not for everyone. If you want to go, go but if you actually don’t want to, plan an afternoon tea or something for the bride and you to enjoy together. It’s a lot of money and faff and I find it weird she would expect you to go, invite you fine but not expect it.

Before I had kids yes

if I had kids under 10 unlikely, under 5 very unlikely

now my kids are almost teens I might

This is the crux of it isn’t it. Some people don’t spend much time away from their dc either because they don’t have the opportunity or they just don’t want to. And that’s ok.

I have repeatedly said it’s fine and healthy to take a break from your dc. But because I haven’t done it very much, it does feel like a big deal for me. I haven’t judged anyone who leaves their dc but it seems to be ok for them to call me a martyr and say I have no life outside of my kids blah blah blah.

MN can be a really unpleasant place at times.

I am beginning to pick up on this thread that that some of those who want to spend as much time as possible with their young children are much more understanding of those who don’t. And much more willing to accept others’ views even to the point of wondering if they themselves are at fault for having such a strong attachment. The OP was quite apologetic in her first post and thought she was coming across as sounding tragic for her feelings of unease at having to leave her child for four days.

Whereas some of the mums on this thread who enjoy and make full use of time away from their children, which the OP readily describes as healthy and reasonable, have sometimes given quite short shrift to the OP for having a stronger attachment, and some of them judge quite harshly.

Personally I think that any mum and certainly any mum who works full time as well as bringing up children, is very entitled to feel she wants to spend as much of her non working time as possible with her children.

I wouldn’t have left my four year old for one night, let alone four. YANBU. Every mum is different, some are comfortable leaving their little ones, others aren’t.

Ok. I missed that. No. Then she shouldn't feel guilty at all.

Wow! That's a bit harsh is it not? You have an option between being a good mother and a monster? A monster for trying to navigate whether she wishes to leave her children in capable hands for a couple of days for a hopefully once in a lifetime event for her best friend? Get a grip. She is not unreasonable if she chooses not to go but equally she is not unreasonable if she can afford it to go. It looks like however from other posts, common sense has prevailed from chief bridesmaid and therefore to go or not to go for 4 days does not appear to be something that the OP now has to navigate. A bit of being kind would do the world well when people are looking for advice.

Absolutely not! I really hate entitled people who use up other peoples annual leave it’s a flipping hen do for goodness sake and no I wouldn’t leave my 4 year old for that long either.

I think if I was going away for a few days I wouldn’t consider it ‘leaving’ my child if they were at home with their Dad. It’s a sorry state of affairs if the attachment to the Mum is so pronounced that being at home with Dad is being ‘left’. And the Dad can’t possibly cope with a couple of days with his own child.

How is this a good thing? What if women need to go away with work for a conference or something?

My Mum used to work nights. Was she ‘leaving’ me with my Dad? No I was safe at home and it made zero difference which parent was there!!

If you don’t personally want to go away from home then don’t. But I can’t see the drama of a child being in their own home with their Dad.

👏
Well said.

What a ridiculous post

It's not remotely shameful or pathetic, if anything, it would be problematic if your children were not your priority. If you were my daughter/friend I would be proud of you that you have your priorities right.