Would you go on this hen do?

[auntfanny6]

Abroad for 4 nights to a Spanish resort in summer. Will require annual leave and quite expensive. Those things are annoying and inconvenient but doable. But I’ve never left my 4 year old overnight and am very anxious at the prospect. Dh will look after her but I feel like I will spend the whole run up to it dreading going away and just miss them while I’m away. I know this will probably sound tragic to many mums but when you have no family support and you’re with your kids all the time it feels like a big deal to leave them for that length of time.

I feel somewhat aggrieved at being put in this position as I know the bride will be royally hacked off if I don’t go (she is a close friend and it’s a small, intimate hen party so any absences will be noticed). But also, why can’t it just be a night out or even a night or two away in the uk?

A close friend can make a wedding better or worse.

The bride is issuing an invitation. The OP is, as is everyone, totally at liberty to decline on the grounds of cost, annual leave or not wanting to leave her child. No one has her at gunpoint.

No hen do is good enough to be away from your child for so long. Surely your friend will understand or else she is not that good a friend.

Did you not notice the word EXPECT in capital letters? It changes the statement from what you have misunderstood it to be.

Did you not notice the word EXPECT in capital letters? It changes the statement from what you have misunderstood it to be.

I don't think it's anything to do with leaving a 4 year old. She'll be with her dad. It's the rest. The expectation of everyone spending a huge amount of time and money (and hassle). It's completely over the top.

Then, after that, there is the wedding. I dread to think what the bride has in plan for that.

how did you work that one out ? She’s getting married so clearly isnt single ..

Don't go if you don't want to.

Hen weekends abroad weren't a thing in my day and I very glad about that. From reading threads on here, unless it's been meticulously organised, the costs keep creeping up and it creates bad feelings.

Just say you can't get those days off work.

Don’t go if you don’t want to. It’s ok not to want to leave your little one and that’s enough to say to your friend. She will understand if she’s a good friend.

Just say no sorry I can’t. If they question you can’t get a/l and can’t afford it

No means no, it is an invitation not a court summons, maybe woman need to practise the word np in front of the mirror because they rarely seem to be able to manage it

Again the bride can ask or expect or demand or have a tantrum or choose whatever event she wants people can say no, even if i was a single woman with no children i would not use my annual leave for this

Can you afford 2 nights? Maybe say you only have 2 days of leave available (or no leave if it’s a weekend).
Then you can attend some of it, have a nice break and nobody will be hurt
(I do think a 4 year old would be fine if you talk to them every day, but totally understand the time/expense issue…)

The right thing to do is to follow your gut instinct.

i do believe that if the bride to be falls out with you because you’ve made the perfectly reasonable (in my opinion your reasons are valid) choice to not go, then sad as it would be to realise, she is not what I would class as a true or close friend.

Thats a lot of expense for four days (and you can’t guarantee there won’t be more “unexpected expenses”), and all the money you spend on a frankly ludicrous short trip for the whim of ONE person, could have gone towards a fab holiday that you, your husband and little one could value together.

lastly, if I were the bride in your post, and I could “feel” that you were on edge about being away from your child, I’d feel bloody awful for acting like an unreasonable spoiled brat.

OP ? Please come back and tell us you’ve had the courage of your convictions, and you’ve nicely but firmly told her that for your very valid reasons you cannot attend, but wish her and the others a brilliant time.
PS- I wouldn’t mind betting that one or more of the other girls ends up wishing that they had your strength to refuse.

This. Mumsnet is the only place that people are annoyed at being invited to a fun social event. If you don’t want to go, then don’t. Nobody is this weird about it IRL. I’ve been to a few abroad hen parties and had a great time.

I think you have excellent reasons for not going, but if you want to avoid possibly pissing off the bride, just tell her you can't get the time off.
If that's not actually true, and she might find that out, tell her you can't afford it.
Either way, don't go if you don't want to.

If my friend didn’t come on my hen do because she couldn’t leave her 4 year old with her DH I’d be quite pissed off! Especially if I’ve shown up for that friend for other things. It’s an invite not a summons, if she’s that good of a friend I would want to find a way to be there even for half of it but it’s a choice. I would frame it as time off work/cost than about the 4 year old though, personally.

I think you should go. She’s obviously a close friend and you might find you have a fab time. You can FaceTime home as often as you want then head out to the bars or whatever you want to do.
It sounds like it’s been at least 4 years since you’ve had a child free holiday.

It's defo a bit excessive, but it's not Las Vegas and it's for a small group of close friends. I'd say it's not unreasonable to say no, but I'd probs try and go if I could. I'm spending a long weekend in Portugal for a close friend's 50th next month, although it's a bit different because her parents have a holiday home there which we're staying at, so it's going to be pretty cheap.

Either way, I think not wanting to leave a four year old is a bit extreme if I'm being completely honest. At some point you'll have to.

Time with your kids is precious any way you look at it. I think a good friend understands family comes first with you and your vacation time is reserved for that first. Just be honest about that. Really, if your friend can't accept that 4 days (and out of country) is a lot to expect she's not much of a friend and is rather self-centred.

eta I'd also not begrudge someone who was okay with it. It's personal.

I would happily leave a 4yo with my dh for that long, but id also comfortably decline 4 days in Spain if it didn’t work to attend, especially financially.

For a day or evening event i would agree needing to take annual leave no chance would I expect this of anyone else

I’d tell her that, for practical reasons (child care and annual leave etc) you won’t be able to go, but you will of course join her if she has a hen night at home.

I wouldn't because it is too hot.

In my day a hen was a night out in a pub or cocktail bar. I would stick hot pins in my eyeballs rather than go one one of these trips, even if I had the money. But each to his own I suppose. The annual leave excuse is perfect and no one can argue with it. Ive used this several times in the past to get out of an undesirable event. Being busy in work covers you for the entire summer just in case they offer alternative dates. I would offer the suggestion of a meal or cocktail evening for those who also cannot attent the hen.

I voted you're being unreasonable because you don't want to go, which is completely reasonable. However, you don't need to shame her reasons for wanting the hen party that is planned. Cut the time, money, away from kids etc...you don't want to go...so dont...simple. Any guilt you feel, shouldn't be transferred to her choice of a hen party, regardless of the choices you made for yours. In saying that, if she didn't go to yours, then, she is VERY unreasonable.