Would you go on this hen do?

[auntfanny6]

Abroad for 4 nights to a Spanish resort in summer. Will require annual leave and quite expensive. Those things are annoying and inconvenient but doable. But I’ve never left my 4 year old overnight and am very anxious at the prospect. Dh will look after her but I feel like I will spend the whole run up to it dreading going away and just miss them while I’m away. I know this will probably sound tragic to many mums but when you have no family support and you’re with your kids all the time it feels like a big deal to leave them for that length of time.

I feel somewhat aggrieved at being put in this position as I know the bride will be royally hacked off if I don’t go (she is a close friend and it’s a small, intimate hen party so any absences will be noticed). But also, why can’t it just be a night out or even a night or two away in the uk?

As always, it’s an invite not a summons.

I’ve done 4 days abroad for a hen do and we had a great time. Including using a Friday / Monday annual leave. My husband has also done similar.

life doesn’t stop when you’re a parent and you deserve to go and have a couple of days off and have a nice time.

that being said, if you don’t want to go or money / annual leave are genuinely an issue then don’t go. Apologise to the bride but don’t go.

you are being unreasonable however to hold this against the bride and deem this as over the top. Just because you did something different or have different expectations of a hen do doesn’t mean she’s wrong for wanting to do this.

Absolutely, but it’s an individual choice.

And some of us don’t consider bunk beds in a hostel to be “a nice break.” 😆

I wouldn’t but more because my precious annual leave is for my children, not friends who decide they want an extravagant hen party abroad for a few days. Selfish maybe but I think that’s how life goes when you have kids. It’s crazy she expects everyone to self fund it too.

That is totally fine. But they can’t EXPECT everyone to fall into line and attend. They must know that it won’t be doable for some people for monetary, practical or work reasons.

No, and I wouldn't either after the last update. Haven't done bunk beds since backpacking in my 20s.

Have you had any big plans or plans abroad that she has gone too?

How many days of work will you need to take off? Is your child in school yet?

I look at any travel plans with friends now not just being away from the children but the additional cost of having to put them in holiday club and the fact they have to actually go.

I would hate it and say I can't afford it. Should she offer to pay i would then switch to not wanting to leave my child, husbands playing cricket that weekend so can't be sole child carer etc.

You can click on the button to read all OPs posts. She said hers was just a night out.

This has already been answered in one of the OP's updates.

4 days annual leave, in Spain for a hen do is a big NO from me. Maybe if someone was paying me to go then yes. But they’re not!! How self indulgent is the bride… or should I say bridezilla. Pass

Book separate and just do two nights. If it’s Spain thats totally do able.

i have to say though i would be tempted to go as its good for you to have you time but also your daughter and partner will enjoy some one on one time too

Tell her you can't go, but be honest about the reason. Pretending it's because of the money or annual leave might make the bride feel guilty.

Good.

You don’t have to go, absolutely. But at 4, looked after by her Dad, it may be a good thing for both of you. Children do need a little ‘independence’ as they grow up.

Why would she feel guilty if OP just says "I can't get that time off work, sorry". It's not the brides fault that OPs work has people already booked off then and she won't consider it's her fault.

I had a 4 day hen do in Spain last year and i had 9 people come, I was shocked the amount of people who said yes, a lot of them with young children (who just needed a break - my brief for the hen do was I want to relax for 4 days, no drunken nights till 2am) and everyone loved it. I had a few people say they couldn’t make it and I never gave it a second thought, we had an afternoon tea at home for the people who couldn’t make it and I loved it.

She isn’t a friend if she is offended you won’t go.

If the bride feels guilty she could have had the event at home

She’s not entitled to your time or money or to be annoyed or upset if you decline to give them to her. I wouldn’t go either, it sounds crap.

You are not unreasonable re cost etc, but really by the age of four you should be perfectly comfortable leaving your child alone with his father for a couple of days, and indeed it should do you good to get a short break from the routine of being a mother and just be able to switch off and relax.

If that’s the kind of hen do your friend wants, that’s great for her but I suspect you won’t be the only friend of hers who doesn’t want to use their A/L or leave their kids and spend all that money on it. I’d politely decline and wouldn’t feel guilty either

Is there really a timeframe for when someone should feel comfortable about leaving their child? Who sets it?

It would be a no from me.

I feel somewhat aggrieved at being put in this position as I know the bride will be royally hacked off if I don’t go (she is a close friend and it’s a small, intimate hen party so any absences will be noticed).

The bride can have whatever hen do she wants, but has to be grown up enough to know that if she makes it inaccessible and unaffordable to her hens, then she will have to accept some invitation declines. She can't be that good a friend if she doesn't accept your dilemma (cost, time away from your child, having to make childcare arrangements for all those days you're away).

Could you go for 2 nights if over a weekend? With kids in school I never have annual leave for things like this so I sympathise. I often dread occasions of ‘forced fun’ like this, but find I enjoy them once I’m there, but 2 nights would be plenty for me. Plus it might cut your costs a bit too.

If she's a close friend, how have you reached the stage of a firm plan without her knowing your thoughts? Too late now, but for future reference, any ideas you dont fancy that include you, need nipping in the bud very early on if you don't want this sort of dilemma. The minute the idea of the abroad hen was floated would have been the time to say its not for you.
You can say now what you've said here (apart from being annoyed to be invited!) but it will probably annoy her at this stage. Unfortunately you're going to have to risk that or tolerate it for four days.