Helping MIL but not in the way that’s clearly expected

[Enablinglocationiseasier]

MIL in poor health

SIL her regular help with medical stuff appts , shopping, lifts and household. SIL having OP so told us we need to ‘step up’.

We’ve arranged online shops , Ubers for appts and a cleaner . MIL got upset as couldn’t work out the app so we showed her. Apparently we are unkind and should just drive her ourselves.
We are paying for everything.

She also hates having a stranger in the house so is complaining about the cleaner.

AIBU to think she needs to just accept the help it may not be how she wants it but it meets all the needs she has expressed having ?

YANBU.

YANBU at all.
Hand it over completely to your partner, it's their parent.

How far away do you and your DH live?
And how poor is MIL’s health?

It’s great that you’re paying for those things, but I get that it might feel impersonal. And depending on how bad her health is, she still has to carry the shopping into the house and put it all away. Having an Uber waiting outside isn’t the same as a relative accompany her to and from the car, being there to support her for appointments etc.

I do think you're a little unreasonable.

Of course you cant just drop everything to help but couldn't you give some personal help.

For example appointments, not everyone is confident using apps,plus there's the worry of it not turning up. Navigating the hospital, is she steady on her feet.

Does MIL get out much ? She probably enjoys getting to go and choose her shopping and look around, can you really not spare a couple of hours to take her.

Oh and by you I mean your dh and you if you want to support him.

How far away does she live? Is DH not keen to be more hands on with his mum?

About a 30 min drive. She’s 62 and has a bad back, some autoimmune conditions and anxiety. We have young dc and work commitments so although not that far it’s actually not really possible to help in person.

It all sounds helpful. But is she actually wanting some time and company with people she knows and loves?

Its scary being alone and vulnerable with people you don't know.

We booked with Ocado as they have bags and will take it in the kitchen for you

Probably

SIL would take her out socially too but SIL doesn’t work and doesn’t have dc so easy for her

I was thinking MIL would be more like 82. If she's 62 and with the things she has YANBU at all, particularly given your own commitments. It sounds like the problem is that you're not providing what SIL has provided in the past, but maybe SIL has the time and capacity to provide all this personal care and you don't. Your MIL sounds a PITA to me.

And why are you paying for everything?

YANBU at all

To help , DH wanted to and we can afford to as thought it might be kind to do so

62!!! I thought from your description she’d be 80+. NU at all.

Sounds like DH needs to step up a bit and stop leaving everything to his sister.

My Mum is 64 and not in great mental health , if I gave her the uber app to book a taxi jeez I don’t know where she would end up ! It would just be a mystery tour. I think people who are more capable of doing these things expect everyone to be able to do what they can do.

This post seems a bit uncaring and I think you need to remember you’ve gotta get older one day , how would you feel if your kids just booked something for you without no thought . Show a bit of compassion. Book an uber for her , get your husband to go round and do a bit of washing up .
One day she won’t be here for you to do this for her and youl wish you spent a bit more time with her . Why are people so disconnected from their family these days ?

Sounds like he has. And needs to exain to his mum that this is how he's able to help.

You don't sound particularly sympathetic and helpful you can't just throw money at something and expect someone to be accepting, your husband does really need to step up,

62 is no age; at that age most grandparents help their children with grandchildren, not the other way around. You're NBU.

I think that depends. If my sister started pandering to unreasonable requests, I wouldn’t feel like I had to step up and do the same

My mother is mid 80s. She asks for help just to learn how to use various apps so she can do things herself. She does the online shopping , uber and various others. it was train tickets last time.

We visit when we can and she now lets us make the meals and clear up but she wouldn’t expect us to be running her around to appointments. She doesn’t expect us there every week

Sounds like she’s poorly and stressed and needs a bit of time with a family member. It’s lovely that you’re supportive in a financial way, but does she get time with her family or a bit of emotional support?

Just give this some perspective, she’s only two years older than me and I work full-time in a demanding job, run a home and support my son through uni. Whilst it might not be great that for a while she has to use Uber and Ocado it is also not the end of the world. She’s not 85, she’s 62, that is not old. I think what you’re doing is fine and quite frankly, she should be able to organise that herself.

Can see why SIL might be annoyed if she’s doing everything. But it should be your DH stepping up. Don’t let this fall on you. If she’s upset with DH that’s between the two of them. Don’t let her expect you to so this personal care just because you’re female