Helping MIL but not in the way that’s clearly expected

[Enablinglocationiseasier]

MIL in poor health

SIL her regular help with medical stuff appts , shopping, lifts and household. SIL having OP so told us we need to ‘step up’.

We’ve arranged online shops , Ubers for appts and a cleaner . MIL got upset as couldn’t work out the app so we showed her. Apparently we are unkind and should just drive her ourselves.
We are paying for everything.

She also hates having a stranger in the house so is complaining about the cleaner.

AIBU to think she needs to just accept the help it may not be how she wants it but it meets all the needs she has expressed having ?

Indeed. But I find even on MN - supposedly a parenting support site - some women are very generous in volunteering other women's time.

Caring roles do not belong to women by default. It is not for OP to step up to the plate if her DH won't do it. It's his mother and his responsibility.

Well OP’s bloke is certainly very generous in volunteering his sister’s time, to the point of not being prepared to step up for a few weeks. It seems that men always get a free pass when caring needs to be done.

I couldn't agree more. He is the one who should be taking responsibility here, not simply leaving it to his female relatives.

But you are just guilting op’s dh.
how much time do you think he has?
my mil used to guilt trip my dh.
he worked long hours
mil was retired
we had 4 children
what ever you do when mil/ dm are so demanding, it will never be enough.

Sounds more like he thinks is Mum is a dickhead and doesn't want an awful lot to do with her.

That's what happens when you're a dickhead, people don't want to do favours for you. I certainly won't be going out of my way to look after my Dad should he ever need it, because the mans a twat.

CARE for elderly parents is hard and the expectation is harder. I always accepted that MIL care would fall to us as SIL lives 2 hours away. That said, I’ve been clear I will help when it’s needed, not just because she wants it.

A couple of years ago she got cancer, I took her to 90% of appointments, re-arranged work, worked at sites closer to her treatment etc, it was hard, I had to work longer hours to make up time but if course I did it.

She had a fall last year, turned out to be a broken hip (we didn’t know as she was complaining of pain in her though, not her hip), anyway, I did as much care as I could, worked from her house etc. But again, only when needed, not because she wants it. I knew I had to step back when she told DH that I work at her house now so it’s ok for her to arrange for someone to collect something as I can sort it!

She is nearly 79 but in good health currently, does her own shopping again, goes to a local church 4 or 5 mornings a week, hops on the bus to the town centre - we live a short walk from her town centre bus stop but she NEVER comes to visit us, even when we have asked her to pop over - DH works from home and would happily take his lunch break when she is here to have a chat. I work from home twice a week and again, would welcome her for a visit during the day. She never does though, the expectation is we drive the 20 mins through rush hour after with and before eating to give her company.

She just expects everyone else to run around after her, arrange anything social for her, invite her places but doesn’t reciprocate. It would be nice to invite us for a meal after work so we don’t have to cook and clean up giving us more time to spend with her but she never thinks of it.

I doubt he’s volunteering his DSis’ time. Everyone who cares for someone else has a choice whether they do it or not.

I don't see the harm in "disrupting" their lives a bit. Children need to learn the world doesn't revolve around them at some point and that sometimes family needs help, parents get older. I was certainly aware growing up when my grandparents needed extra help etc and my parents did have to make me go over and have some tea and biscuits with my grandmother sometimes (my grandmother was paralysed for 10 years after a stroke).

Personally, it does seem a bit cold and uncaring and if it is was my mum, I'd suck it up and also go over there for a bit. But she's not actually your mother, that's on your DH to do. So overall YANBU. But your DH is a bit unreasonable.

We had a big department store close here three months ago. Afterwards a sixty three year old who worked there was made to do three and a half weeks in Pea..... and its damaged her back.

Same thought here!

You are indeed very kind arranging everything and paying for it.
People saying that your DH should take time off to take her to appointments perhaps he needs to work to pay for it and employers may not be too happy if he needs to take time off all the time to see to DM's appointments, she's not old surely she can manage a few things on her own. SIL does not work and has no children so it's very different

I do not doubt that OP's MIL is unable to do things for herself but OP is not obliged to do things physically for MIL as SIL has the financial allowance for her.

@Daftypants you have a disabled daughter so surely realise that some people are not as able as others of same age due to health conditions. The SIL gets carer’s allowance for looking after MIL

Probably not, but it is highly unlikely that OP's mum has been racist towards her, unlike her MIL.

Ahhh of course.

Once a month is fine and frankly generous on your part. I know exactly what you mean. The comments that are a bit “off” almost making you feel a bit nuts.

do not erode your boundaries as this could be going on a long time. Now your good enough because she wants you doing things for her.

paying for things plus monthly visit meet DHs Filial obligations well enough

Thankfully my DH treated my parents issues the same way he treated his own parents and I was the same. If there was anything more intimate required he would assist both father's & I would assist both mothers. We are in our 60s now, still working & much the same as 10|20 years ago. I appreciate not all people are so fortunate & they have conditions which require help. It's a tough one to negotiate.

at 62 this could be going on another 20/30 years. Best to pace themselves

It's his mother. That was my point.

If he's not stepping up the plate that is no reason why his female relatives' time should be volunteered in his stead.

I think that SIL who doesn't work or have any kids is being an enabling martyr and op and husband have no obligation to continue the charade! They both work and have young dc. 62!!! I laughed out loud. She's my age, I'm a teacher and still have a teenager at home. I was expecting a doddery old lady!!

Maybe you should ask Social work to carry out a needs assessment then you will have a comprehensive agenda of what the needs actually are and then you can adjust your input accordingly
sounds like you need to set some boundaries don’t feel bad about asking for outside agencies to step in-that’s what they are there for also look at befriending nearby to where she is what have you tried so far please do not be manipulated make a decision and stick to it!