Helping MIL but not in the way that’s clearly expected

[Enablinglocationiseasier]

MIL in poor health

SIL her regular help with medical stuff appts , shopping, lifts and household. SIL having OP so told us we need to ‘step up’.

We’ve arranged online shops , Ubers for appts and a cleaner . MIL got upset as couldn’t work out the app so we showed her. Apparently we are unkind and should just drive her ourselves.
We are paying for everything.

She also hates having a stranger in the house so is complaining about the cleaner.

AIBU to think she needs to just accept the help it may not be how she wants it but it meets all the needs she has expressed having ?

I mean you're just throwing money at the situation which some people might love and really appreciate but in your MIL situation it seems to be making her feel stressed and vulnerable as she has no confidence in technology or feels anxious around strangers.

62 is not old at all! The OP has to work as well - sounds like SIL perhaps doesn’t have as many work commitments or young DC?

I was about to say YABU until you said she was 62! I don’t think 100% fair to leave everything to SIL as it’s exhausting being a carer and she probably feels she has no life beyond caring. Your DH could probably step up a bit more

I can understand that OP and her husband feel they can’t logistically give her MIL the type of help she wants. I understand they probably don’t want to. It just seems impersonal and a bit uncaring to outsource everything and not even pop in now and again.

I can imagine some Uber drivers getting impatient with a customer who is a bit slow and many people really appreciate the support and advocacy of a companion at medical appointments.

If it were a man reacting like this, it would be called out as weaponised incompetence.

Why is it different because it's a woman in her early 60s?

@Enablinglocationiseasier Can you clarify what this means from your original post - “ SIL having OP” ????? I can’t figure it out!

the OP has no fundamental responsibility to do anything for MIL. if she feels she is too busy that should be the end of it. If her DH wants to do more he can get on with it. If the kids want to do more they can.

if you inspire people to love you , you are likely to get the kind of support you want when you want it. There is no obligation to love anyone.

DH might rightly feel familial responsibility but he can’t expect OP to

I assumed she meant SIL is having an operation, but might be completely wrong? 🤷‍♀️

So SIL is her carer, is she a paid carer?
If MIL is that debilitated at 62 with illnesses, I'd be calling adult social services for a review. She might be entitled to more support. She is unlikely to take it, but at least you'd all know what is available and it at least gets the ball rolling.

I think Op is short for operation.

What i meant is that if god forbid something happened to say my dad then my mum.would have to have someone with her due to medical needs

Sounds like DH needs to step up a bit and stop leaving everything to his sister

Yep

Is Sil paid to be her carer?

I can see how some people on a tight budget might get a bit affronted when they ask a sibling to help out with a parent and the sibling simply throws money at the problem by way of helping out. It’s a bit impersonal.

It’s hard being a carer. And it’s just as hard for the one being cared for, knowing they are a burden.
A bit of understanding about that, goes a long way.

Im sure your MIL will get used to the app and to the cleaner and come to feel grateful when it’s all not so new.

In the meantime, maybe your DH could spare a few hours every couple of weeks to take his mum out for an hour or so, especially if he has your support and encouragement. Or just to have a face to face conversation and a chance show he is interested in her and caring of her. It might make all the difference.

62! I’m 59 and have a nine-year-old at home (foster carer turned adopter). Jeez, I thought you were going to say she was 85.

You have taken care of the practicalities. Dh should also be stepping up a bit with the social side while sil is unable to. There must be some point over the weekend or his days off during the week when can go and see her for a couple of hours, ideally take her for a coffee or bring her in a chippy or whatever.

Agree you shouldn't have to do that, and kids regular activities should go ahead. But for a 30 min drive he could see her a bit more. Would be reassuring to sil while she recovers too.

If it was a long term change it might be more difficult but for short term I think dh should see his mother more than one Sunday per month.

If a person has health issues, the age doesn't matter. It's how disabled/ill she is ...

You haven’t really stepped up though, have you? You have arranged things that you think are helpful, but did you ask you mil? She’s clearly not happy about the cleaner but her opinion has been ignored. You visit once a month and think that’s ample. This sounds like a temporary arrangement until your SiL is back on her feet and your husband can’t be arsed to up his visits and help his mum. My guess is that you will be back in the future posting about the fact that your mil has disinherited your family and it’s not right because you were her carers when her daughter was recovering from an operation. Shame on your husband, and yes, on you too. It’s called compassion.

Gosh only 62 lots of people are working full time. I am 69 and a full time carer for my 100 year old Mother that can be a bind but I do it.

She's 62 and using learned incompetence to infer she needs loads of help. Jeez. I'm 57 (only 5 years younger) have osteoarthritis in my back, have a very stressful full time job and am a single parent to teenagers. I have no help from anyone for anything but manage ok. People can support her but she needs to help herself too. You are by no means unreasonable OP. She however is being very unreasonable by expecting so much off people who actually have their own busy lives to sort too.

This pretty much sums up my thoughts too.

Operation

It does seem a little uncaring, I can understand why MIL and SIL are upset. SIL obviously has different life circumstances and so ordinarily can help MIL out more which I understand. I’m assuming this is only a temporary measure though, while she’s recovering from her op. Seems unfair to not even go visit MIL at least a couple of times a week and take her out somewhere.

I think it’s reasonable for people to be surprised / disappointed that your household view that everything can be outsourced to strangers and the only thing you do is book and pay, and think that’s a sufficient substitute for in person family input on everything.

That said, expecting your household to pick up everything SIL did is also unreasonable.

It’s a situation where everyone who wants to be involved needs to compromise a bit.

That might up upping visits to weekly rather than monthly (and those visits might be mainly a shopping trip or an appointment). Doing some appointments via taxi and being taken to some where that second person accompanying makes more of a difference. Ocado deliveries, but that someone is there for the first one to help get familiar with how that concept works. (That could be first one happens before SILs surgery).

I think you should arrange things so your DH can visit for a few hours once a week, just until SIL is back on her feet. It's not "unfair" to teach your kids that sometimes we all need to put ourselves out slightly to help a family member who is ill or otherwise in need of support. Have DH role-model supporting his mother and sister, and maybe one day your DC will do the same for you, DH, and each other.

If she's mentally all there she really needs to be able to order food shops on line and sort out taxis, etc to get to appointments. She's young enough that these sorts of technologies should be well within her grasp. Not liking strangers in the house is fair enough but if she can't cope with the housework she will have to put up with that.

But yes do try to visit.