Helping MIL but not in the way that’s clearly expected

[Enablinglocationiseasier]

MIL in poor health

SIL her regular help with medical stuff appts , shopping, lifts and household. SIL having OP so told us we need to ‘step up’.

We’ve arranged online shops , Ubers for appts and a cleaner . MIL got upset as couldn’t work out the app so we showed her. Apparently we are unkind and should just drive her ourselves.
We are paying for everything.

She also hates having a stranger in the house so is complaining about the cleaner.

AIBU to think she needs to just accept the help it may not be how she wants it but it meets all the needs she has expressed having ?

It's a big jump from having a family member do everything for you to having it all delivered by apps/strangers, so I can see why she is struggling. Did your DH not anticipate this would be a big change for her? It's not the same at all.

Age is irrelevant really if she needs and is used to accepting the care, it sounds like she has significant mental health issues.

Honesty it sounds like Codependency

62 !
Im late 50s , have a bad back and AI disease and work.

I think your DP needs to step up personal involvement as well however it doesn’t mean that his support should be the exactly the same as SIL’s.
I would look at MIL needs and identify where this personal involvement is more pressing. It might be that she misses going out to the shop with someone and choose things herself but it might be that she needs someone holding her hand at the appointments.
It very much depends on her.
I think cleaner should stay as it might be a general way forward in the future.

Please don’t think - oh the app is so easy, we showed her, she is being unreasonable.
You are not 62 y.o. on your own, with health issues, wait until you are in her shoes and you might have a different opinion. And I absolutely mean it kindly because I’ve done this mistake with my own mum many times - I assumed that something was easy looking from my position but hers was different, at least in age and physical abilities.

I think the issue is she’s codependent on your sil, it’s not she can’t do things for herself but she’s lonely as is sil so it’s mutually beneficial for sil to help mil and she’s got used to it. She’s only 62, she can definitely cope with an app etc but if she’s actually craving company you dh needs to find time to go over for an hour or two taking dc with him partly as a distraction for your mil.

She is 62, not 82. While she may not be in great health, she is still working age and should be able use apps.

My mum is 82, and accepting that she is more technologically savvy than many over 80s, always does all her own online shopping, books her own taxis etc. She does need physical help with household tasks and it was hard to start with getting her to tolerate me not ironing her bedding the way she likes etc. She has learned though that getting arsey doesn't make me do things her way. In the same way, I have learned to ignore petulance. Over time, she is mellowing and becoming a lot more grateful for anyone who does anything to help her.

Long winded way of saying, give her some time to adjust to your way.

Sorry but it sounds to me like you are leaving it to sister in law on the whole as you believe her life is less important than yours. Outsourcing a lot is fine but your DH needs to step up and do some personal stuff too.

Sounds like your SIL has been pandering to her for a long time and is now fed up with it. Understandable but essentially not your problem!

we’re not talking about a frail elderly lady here. She’s 62! Most people have a bad back and anxiety and have to get on with things.

she has just become used to people waiting on her hand and foot. Obviously this should be your husbands problem to sort but yet again, it’s the wife posting for help on here

MIL is taking the micky. If she's sat on the sofa doing nothing it will make her back worse.

She's 62...17yrs older than me. She can surely learn how to use the apps. I'd be thrilled if someone paid for Ocado food shops, Ubers and a cleaner for me!! My Dad would have been 90 now (he died nearly 7yrs ago), but he was more than capable of using apps/internet etc.

I think that you guys are wonderful to offer this help. If your MIL doesn't want it, then step back and stop providing it. You guys work and have DC, and live quite a drive away (1hr round trip before you're even doing the "help")...so if this is what you can offer, she can either accept it, or politely decline to have it.

Are MIL and SIL expecting you guys to be there at MIL's beck and call? If so, they can perhaps pay you your salary/pensions, sort your childcare etc, so that it is a possibility. Otherwise, I'm unclear as to how they expect you to be able to actually be there for appointments, lifts, companionship, housework, shopping and care.

but she's not.

The OP (and her husband) are doing loads - absolutely no reason to do the cleaning yourself for example when you are paying for a cleaner instead.

What matters is offering help, they are. Who is driving or cleaning or whatever is completely irrelevant, it doesn't matter if they don't want to do it or CAN"T do it.
If they offer a food delivery, it's as helpful as cooking themselves too.

If someone needs help, they take it, or they can do it themselves.

OP, you sound very kind and helpful!

62 is working age she needs to get a grip

It doesn't sound like that at all, it sound like the SIL is martyring herself (it's her mother after all) and is resentful that she doesn't want to - or can't afford to - outsource her help.

As long as help is there, it doesn't need to be "personal", the OP and husband are doing loads!

She also hates having a stranger in the house so is complaining about the cleaner.

I will never understand this complaint, yet it seems to be really common.

I can’t even imagine the level of entitlement it takes to demand that family members come and clean your home because you don’t like having a “stranger in the house”.

Who has time to clean two homes?

I have a cleaner. I’m grateful to be able to afford the help.

As soon as I hear this, it tells me everything I need to know about the person.

She wants you guys to provide what SIL does yourselves, but due to kids and distance and work, you're not able to give her that time.

You've been more than reasonable. She's got the shopping and transportation and cleaning covered. It's not being done by her son and you and she wants to get her way.

She's going to have to deal. You guys can't quit your jobs or stop your lives.

The need she hasn't expressed is wanting the company of people she knows. It sounds like she's living an isolated life and your SIL did stuff for her frequently. With SIL having surgery and recovering, she's not going to have that interaction and it sounds like she's developed some learned incompetence where she expects her family to do for her as a way to control getting family interaction. She does sound more like 80+ rather than 62. Maybe your husband can set up a regular time to visit for a bit when he's off work.

Sounds like SIL probably enjoys spending time round there, if she is in her 30s with no job or children she probably doesn’t find it a huge imposition (SIL was similar with FIL - basically his housekeeper until FIL remarried, in exchange for house and very generous monthly allowance).

Your MIL will find it a big change, but that isn’t your fault. What you are providing seems fine, she can’t expect her son to give up his job and go round to keep her company all day like your SIL did.

I think Ocado deliveries and a cleaner are very reasonable. I can understand why she might feel that a taxi to a medical appointment is not a good substitute for being taken by her daughter. It depends on her state of health but she is probably helped in and out of the car, has someone to navigate her through a hospital, someone to keep her company and offer support during the appointment and she doesn’t have to find her way to a taxi afterwards. An Uber really isn’t a comparable level of support but you can only do what you can do. You sound as though you have a pretty fully committed diary as it is and a 62 year old should have the mental flexibility to understand this and accept that they need to compromise at this time. She sounds a bit selfish.

My local area has "medical taxis" - not ambulance, but vehicles with someone who will do more than an uber and will help people in an out, and even walk with them to the hospital department if needed.

I couldn't tell you the cost, they need to be booked at least a good week in advance for availability, you need to be a bit flexible with time as they often carry more than 1 person, but that's also a solution

I’ve got some questions. So SIL doesn’t work, why is that? A husband who supports her? As she doesn’t work, she has plenty of free time. The op and her husband work plus also have children. Also, if SIL is married and has a husband, or wife, do they help or been asked to step up, just like the op has been asked?

Jeez, some people responding as though the MIL is a little old decrepit woman! She's only 62. I'm also 62. I have just had a knee replacement and I have sciatica. I manage to organise shopping deliveries and do my own housework. I can get myself to appointments with taxis. I don't expect my adult DDs to run around after me as I know they have busy lives. No idea why this lady is struggling with an app either, we were 30s when the internet became a thing, so we've grown with it and it shouldn't be alien to her. Sounds as though she's got very used to her daughter doing lots for her and now expects it.

Could your DH not take the children, or just him go and have tea there? Or bring her to your house? It's pointless listing her health conditions, it's how they affect the person that matters. Again, not everyone ages the same. This must have spiraled her anxiety. My neighbour's carer died and it's taken her a year to get into her new normal. She's only late 50's. SIL suddenly not being available has probably brought up its own fears for the future. The shopping and cleaner, absolutely she should accept them, but I think she's asking for time and reassurance.

I feel some of the comments here are quite ablest. OP hasn't suggested MIL is exaggerating her disabilities or is co dependent on SIL. She clearly has a lot of hospital appointments in fact. So just because you are 65 or whatever and still working full time and pushing through with your own ailments, doesn't mean this 62 year old is able to do those things. And naturally if she is disabled, she could well be socially isolated and dependent on SIL for company. That's not "being co-dependent", that's what being disabled is like.

Her DP works but she is officially MIL carer

@SparklyGlitterballs but we all don't have the same capabilities, mental and physical health. I've had quite a few friends die in their early 60s, no drink, weight, or drug issues. Although in the case of my neighbour, it suited the family carer to keep her reliant on them.

Of course it is!

And it's your husband's job to do it.

Are you telling me he can't spare a few hours on a weekend?

Do you ever see her?

To be fair MIL 8s 62, not in her 80s and SIL has no job or children and chooses to give MIL help in the way she does eg personally driving her to appointments and going in with her. Her son having a fulltime job and small children is just not going to be able to do the same