Helping MIL but not in the way that’s clearly expected

[Enablinglocationiseasier]

MIL in poor health

SIL her regular help with medical stuff appts , shopping, lifts and household. SIL having OP so told us we need to ‘step up’.

We’ve arranged online shops , Ubers for appts and a cleaner . MIL got upset as couldn’t work out the app so we showed her. Apparently we are unkind and should just drive her ourselves.
We are paying for everything.

She also hates having a stranger in the house so is complaining about the cleaner.

AIBU to think she needs to just accept the help it may not be how she wants it but it meets all the needs she has expressed having ?

He works some weekends or I do and he has the dc. The dc have a lot of activities etc and it’s not fair to disrupt their lives . We see MIL usually one Sunday a month so we’re just planning to continue with that schedule till SIL is recovered

62! You and your DH could be paying for all of this (while being told it's not enough) for 20 or 30 years.

As we don't know the full extent of her health issues I don't think you can really comment on that.

And it is (or should be) the OP's husband's problem - if he has any relationship with his mum

62!

I'm 58 and still chainsawing and chopping wood with my range of chainsaws and axes.

A 62 year old should be able to book a taxi. Or order food online.

She’s 62, this could go on for another 20-30 years ! I am 55 and DH and I are doing a lot for my DPs, but they are in their late 80s and early 90s so it is to be expected. But even then we swiftly noticed that the more we did, the more was expected and stepped back on anything that can be outsourced.
You need to tell SIL what you are prepared to do and what you are not doing. If she is so ill that most of daily life is beyond her, then she should be referred to social services for an assessment.

A personal touch would be nice but you are doing what you can, using money to provide help.
Does your husband visit his mother? Is it easy for her to take the shopping delivery in and get in and out of Ubers without assistance?
This is not your responsibility but your DH should sit down and talk to his sister, she’s left in a position where she has little choice, the alternative is to not visit her DM either.

So in the usual run of things OP when SIL is around what does your DH do for/pay for in regards to his mother, and what is his regular schedule for spending time with her?

We get on ok not brilliantly. She made no secret of her disappointment when he met me so we pulled back a lot at that point. I’m wary of her to some extent as she isn’t always the nicest person not outwardly horrible but can be really off and judgy

I suppose I get why mil upset about some things

My parents regard the weekly shop as a social thing. They tootle around supermarket, taking their time to browse, go for a coffee in the cafe.

Dr appointments they wouldnt go alone. They would need someone with them.

We see her one Sunday a month , see her at Xmas, birthday and Mother’s Day. He speaks to her usually weekly on the phone .

Do you and other posters have such limited life experience that you expect all women of a similar age to have identical confidence and capabilities? You’re not aware that due to health, physical and mental, upbringing, life experiences and personalities, some 60 year olds are more like typical 80 year olds and vice-versa?

Or is it that you are an uncaring and unforgiving person who can’t tolerate what you perceive as weakness in others?

SIL her regular help with medical stuff appts , shopping, lifts and household. SIL having OP so told us we need to ‘step up’

This bit sounds fair enough, but the point is that you have stepped up, only perhaps not quite in the way MIL wanted

Apart from agreeing with PPs that this is your DH's problem to sort out I'd suggest that the beginnings of a compromise are no bad thing. Few of us can have exactly what we want every time we want it, and as she ages that's an important lesson MIL will need to learn before the demands get even more frequent

Well if that is your plan it is your plan, your husband will just need to let his mum know he is too busy.

Whereas you are the epitome of human kindness?

MIL is 62, not 92!
Why would someone else pay for her shopping?
Why isn't she sorting out her own taxis and grocery delivery?

Your MIL is six years younger than me, OP. I have some health issues (including two which are potentially life threatening) but l worked (I had to, I'm single and on my own) until l reached state pension age two years ago.

What you're saying is not unlike my mother (although she was a lot older than your MIL).
She had a home help, briefly, because "they won't do X,Y, and Z....."
She wasn't tech savvy at all (wouldn't even have an automatic washing machine because she 'didn't understand them' which l understood to a point.
She needed help going food shopping. Again, reasonable and understandable.
But she wanted to go at 9am on a Tuesday morning. No other time, despite having nothing else to do and nowhere to go.
I was in the police. Worked shifts. On Tuesday mornings l was either at work, had been at work late the evening before, or on a day off.
Lunchtime, or even 11am would have been fine for me. But no, it had to be 9am, no flexibility or wiggle room at all.
Fortunately one of my older cousins stepped up and took her.
But it made me feel bad, and that other people thought l wasn't being supportive.
That was far from the truth, which was that it was either her way or the highway.
There were many other instances of similar issues, which other people had no idea about. If a lightbulb went (despite there being five others in the room which were working) she expected me or my cousin to just drop everything and go and sort it out. Which was not practical or feasible at all.
And she got upset and annoyed when we couldn't do it straight away. I couldn't just walk out of work for that!

I have the same - more in fact! - medical conditions as her and also still have 3 kids at home to do everything for! Plus school runs and everything else!! Stop paying for all these things!! Honestly are you going to be paying for this for potentially another 40 years? She needs to help herself! Shes not old!!! If she feels she needs extra help then she needs to contact adult social services and can also get extra help from funding via them to pay for the cleaner and taxis etc!!! Your sister in law has clearly gone along with this nonsense but you need to out yourself first - she’s not your mother and if your partner wants to baby her then let him but don’t pay anything towards this! If she is entitled to pip and things like that she can use that to pay for the cleaning etc!!

Why is OP "getting" her H to do anything?
Isn't he capable of thinking if doing these things?

Because this is the help the op and Dh has decided they will do, nothing to do with the mil not being able to pay for stuff.

If they can spend hours tootling round the supermarket and nattering to people in the cafe they are perfectly able to go to appointments on their own! Don’t let them start deteriorating before they actually are deteriorating! Or even IF they do!!

Meh. I think you're being quite cold.

I know that everybody has busy lives and difficult circumstances, but your SIL is having an operation - they are asking for temporary help, and it's clear from your posts that you recognise that your MIL would actually prefer a little personal attention and kindness from her family rather than just paid for services. You are doing nothing wrong in theory, but you are not being very kind.

So what if the DC have their weekend activities disrupted for a few weeks? Surely a good lesson to understand that life isn't perfect and when family are in need, we step up and make small sacrifices? It's a 30 minute drive - not a four hour round trip - even if you aren't prepared to disrupt any of your exacting plans, there is no reason why one of you can't pop round once or twice a week in the evening to check on her and have a cup of tea.

62!!!!! I’m older than that and can manage my own online shopping, banking, Uber, Deliveroo etc etc just fine. For goodness sake, she can learn! I’ve just adopted all the new ways of doing things as they were introduced. What other way is there to live, we all have to keep up with the times, or we will end up unable to do anything at all. (I also have loads of medical issues, which I manage fine myself).

At 62 it's time she learned to use apps, get herself in and out of an Uber to appointments, accepted shopping deliveries and accepts that if she wants to live in a clean and tidy house then a stranger (who won't be a stranger forever) is cleaning her house for her.

If anything I feel sorry for her daughter who has taken all this on herself for goodness knows how long. Please do not let your SIL back doing everything just because MIL isn't happy. If you can afford it in the long-term make sure most of it continues.

@katseyes7 Mine was similar to yours.
Doing a 50 mile round trip in the dark in snowy/icy conditions because her big tv wasn't working (she had 2 others) because she'd pressed the wrong button on the remote and wouldn't stop phoning me every 10mins to complain nearly killed me. Literally.
She broke me eventually.

I wonder if there is a bit of codependency between SIL and MIL. It’s unusual for someone in their early 60s to require quite so much support, so perhaps - as SIL isn’t working- she has been giving herself a purpose in life through (over)caring for MIL.