Helping MIL but not in the way that’s clearly expected

[Enablinglocationiseasier]

MIL in poor health

SIL her regular help with medical stuff appts , shopping, lifts and household. SIL having OP so told us we need to ‘step up’.

We’ve arranged online shops , Ubers for appts and a cleaner . MIL got upset as couldn’t work out the app so we showed her. Apparently we are unkind and should just drive her ourselves.
We are paying for everything.

She also hates having a stranger in the house so is complaining about the cleaner.

AIBU to think she needs to just accept the help it may not be how she wants it but it meets all the needs she has expressed having ?

62, not 92. Welcome to the squeezed middle OP. stand firm or you’ll get crushed.

I’m just struck by the assumptions being made because we’ve been told this is a 62 year old woman. I guess it’s a demonstration of how easily people make judgments about others in general.

Has anyone ask when she last worked? What type of work did she do? Is she divorced or widowed and when? Has she always been technophobic? It’s not a crime or even a moral failing to not embrace technology if you can live your life without it.

Some people have always lived a simpler, more timid existence. With other people the world becomes smaller after some significant incident. People are different!

You are not being unreasonable at all . But I think she might be craving some company and that is her clumsy way of saying it. Are you able to visit? Does she have many friends or get many visitors?

My sister and brother are like this about my very ill mother.

Bro will offer to pay for things, sis will order stuff or try to arrange a service while I do the regular overnights, arse wiping, hours and hours of company. We just have completely different values around elder care and family.

Wow. MIL is bring a princess

YANBU

I have a disabled relative who wants much more help than I am willing/able to give, and what I’ve taken to repeating constantly is “This is what I can do without impacting the kids, so this is all that’s on offer I’m afraid. If you’d like more help I can help you to find or arrange it, but I can’t help you more”.

Fundamentally you have to protect yourself and your immediate family, and can’t give up everything else to try and help your MIL.

Sounds like whatever you do it won’t be enough. Might as well take a stand now as she’s 62 ! The comment about ‘having strangers in the house’ shows she isn’t going to compromise anyway.

if She’s been a bitch to you then leave it to your DH to do what he thinks is enough.

this is called ‘reaping what you sow’.

not sure why OPs kids should miss out as their grandma is a selfish person who cannot be bothered to help herself.

Totally agree 62 is no age, I’m turning 60in a couple of months. At 62 though a lot of us are working full time and very much enjoying it, meeting friends, going to the gym, travelling during our time off and doing a lot more than helping with the grandchildren 😀
fully appreciate I’m very lucky but unless there’s a lot else going on she’s allowing herself to need a lot more than she actually needs. Maybe her son could call in for a cup of tea a couple of times a week though to help with loneliness if she is used to her daughter doing it all

62???? She’s younger than me. Not old. Should be able to use apps happily

My spouse and I stepped up (all the shopping, numerous appointments - at least three each week in the final year, late night calls requiring ambulances, etc) as we felt it was the right thing to do.

What there was to inherit, including everything in the home, was left in the will to the siblings (two of whom did nothing at all) with a nominal amount left to my spouse to avoid a challenge to the will. Our conscience is clear.

I’d guess at 62 she actually wants to go to the shops. I think it’s all very throwing money at it all as opposed to actively helping./ being there for her. And it’s not on you op, it’s on your dh, the work, distance and kids, it’s all manageable, an extra morning/ evening or visit a week won’t kill him and doesn’t make either of you the martyr people on mn seem to think it does

She probably can do a lot more than she is claiming or at least she can learn how to , for hospital stuff she can request their pick up and drop off services , may mean she has to wait for a while but is a good option

None of us know her circumstances!

So what if she's 62? We don't know her diagnoses

And if she's never had to do anything with tech then it can be overwhelming. I'm in my 70s and very comfortable with it but many of my friends are not

And I hate the 'just let her get on with it' attitude from many

We really aren't a caring society any more

Sister in law does have a job she is MiLs official carer. That is hard work.

I've said this before on similar threads, but there is often a presumption that you have to comply with what the older person (and in this case, they're only 62! A young older person, if you like) says they want, at whatever cost (not just financial) and regardless of what anyone else wants or needs. It's very common for older people to deny needing any help or lifestyle changes and rejecting any offer of them. Remember that your MIL can't just say 'I want this' and expect everyone to make that happen. She'll have to compromise which may involve carers or cleaners. Don't then feel you've let her down by not doing what she asks for. Everyone has to compromise at times all the way through life and it's no different for MIL.

On the contrary, it would be a good lesson for the dc to learn that sometimes we do things to help others because we love them and they need us, even though doing those things might inconvenience us or disrupt our lives.

I'm a year younger and still working as well as supporting two young adults with additional needs. I know loads of people my age or a few years older - many living alone and / or with multiple physical and mental health conditions - and none are anything like as dependent as this. I really think SIL has done her a disservice by allowing her to be so dependent and doing so much for her rather than encouraging her to develop the skills she needs to do it herself. She might live for another 30 years, so it's in everyone's best interests to enable her to look after herself more. There really is no reason, unless she has intellectual disabilities, why she can't learn to use apps with some initial support. And she's really not in a position to "not want strangers in her home". I think your DH's role should be very much supporting her psychologically and helping to build her confidence rather than doing things for her.

The support you’ve provided isn’t necessarily wrong but your posts don’t come across particularly grateful towards your SIL. Your DH should feel fortunate to have a sibling who is taking on all of the care needs and leaving his life pretty unaffected by an unwell parent. Again, I’m not saying this necessarily means DH should change all of this and become the primary carer. I am saying that I would be so grateful to a sibling who took on that burden and wouldn’t take the attitude of ‘well it’s fine for her because she doesn’t work.’

@Enablinglocationiseasier If SIL is your MIL's official carer, then I assume she is claiming Carer's Allowance? It makes a lot of sense then, that your SIL is doing so much for Mother.

How long does your SIL anticipate being unable to do stuff for her Mum while recovering from the operation?

One thing I would suggest, given what you say about her health issues, is find a cleaner who is more like a home help and will do things like washing clothes, or other chores and arrange Ocado deliveries to arrive when the cleaner is there, so that she can put away the groceries for your MIL

My Mother was much, much older than your MIL is, when she needed this kind of help, but her cleaner cum home help was wonderful and did so much more than just straight 'cleaning'.

Also - has MIL had an assessment of her needs by Social services, to see if there is anything they can help with? Does MIL have PIP or other disability benefits. Is she disabled enough to require these things?

Might help you to work out whether SIL is doing too much for her Mother or whether it's reasonable for what your MIL actually requires

I am 65 and am perfectly capable of running my own business, using an app, calling a lyft, getting groceries delivered. Good god! At 62 she is perfectly able to do these things.

@Enablinglocationiseasier If SIL is your MIL's official carer, then I assume she is claiming Carer's Allowance? It makes a lot of sense then, that your SIL is doing so much for Mother.

How long does your SIL anticipate being unable to do stuff for her Mum while recovering from the operation?

One thing I would suggest, given what you say about her health issues, is find a cleaner who is more like a home help and will do things like washing clothes, or other chores and arrange Ocado deliveries to arrive when the cleaner is there, so that she can put away the groceries for your MIL

My Mother was much, much older than your MIL is, when she needed this kind of help, but her cleaner cum home help was wonderful and did so much more than just straight 'cleaning'.

Also - has MIL had an assessment of her needs by Social services, to see if there is anything they can help with? Does MIL have PIP or other disability benefits. Is she disabled enough to require these things?

Might help you to work out whether SIL is doing too much for her Mother or whether it's reasonable for what your MIL actually requires? Which might be the place to start, going forward?

The support you have offered is very reasonable. The only thing that 62 year old
might struggle with is uber but the alternative is to book a taxi over the phone .

The support you currently give sounds ok to me given your other committments .

You know her well do you?

Can someone please post the list of things everyone can/should do at a particular age? (much like baby milestones) so that we all know what care and consideration is appropriate to offer to people at what age.

That way we'll know when to say No with a clear conscience

My mother is 70 next year and also has an autoimmune condition and poor mobility when walking long distances. We downloaded uber onto her phone and she can use it happily and without any issues if she needs it.