Helping MIL but not in the way that’s clearly expected

[Enablinglocationiseasier]

MIL in poor health

SIL her regular help with medical stuff appts , shopping, lifts and household. SIL having OP so told us we need to ‘step up’.

We’ve arranged online shops , Ubers for appts and a cleaner . MIL got upset as couldn’t work out the app so we showed her. Apparently we are unkind and should just drive her ourselves.
We are paying for everything.

She also hates having a stranger in the house so is complaining about the cleaner.

AIBU to think she needs to just accept the help it may not be how she wants it but it meets all the needs she has expressed having ?

30mins away?? My husband and I drive 2hrs to do last minute babysitting if needed. Are your MIL’s needs complex? 62 is quite young. Can you work out some kind of rota with the SIL? Can your MIL move nearer to you? I think you all need to get together and talk about it.

62 is not old. She sounds very needy. YANBU.

I have, thanks - hence knowing the additional information that wasn't in the opening post......

But obviously all the original responses will have been made before this fairly crucial bit of information was given.

I started reading this thinking it seems quite a cold response from OP. If SIL is registered carer than theres obviously a lot going on and she isnt your average 62 yr old.
We always take my nan tk appointments so someone accompanies her both for care support but to understand the appointments and what's going on so a switch to uber is bound to feel very different.

But the seemingly rascist charged comments make me change that perspective. I think aslong as shes not in a situation where's shes being dumped at the hospital door in a wheelchair by uber then youre doing your bit. I imagine SIL doesn't feel this way, im a carer myself so I understand her frustration, but seems youre doing plenty for a woman who you dont get on with.

I think only visiting once a month is a shame though and maybe the specific week of sil op DH could visit a bit more so shes not alone? Presumably during recovery SIL can see her?

Agreed, she also might not feel comfortable being alone with strangers. My grandmother wouldn't

I think this too.

As a sick 62-y-o who has alienated her DS and dominant-gene DIL she'd better get used to it.

She hasn't alienated her son.

I do think you should have put the fact that her dd is officially her carer, and gets benefits for doing that as a job, rather than her doing it out of obligation 'because she is the daughter' in to the opening post.

Her getting the princely sum of £83 a week does not mean that SIL isn't caring for her mum out of obligation. Few people would make a positive decision to 'earn' a pittance rather than choose a job that's financially rewarding, involves a pension, gives them time off (both for holidays and sickness) and where they get to interact with colleagues, @JustGiveMeReason

Would you treat your own mother like this?

Sounds like you expect your SIL to do everything and that you think you and your DH should do nothing!
I can imagine in a few years the post "MIL left everything to SIL"

If you really adore your mum and feel good about looking after her then crack on. But otherwise you shouldn't be martyring yourself and feeling resentful about your siblings who can't or won't do as much for their own reasons.
It sounds like your mum should be in a nursing home where you and siblings can visit her regularly whilst paid professionals do all the grunt work 24/7.

Sounds to me like the SIL has made a rod for her own back by enabling her mother to be so reliant on her.
I am 60 and I would be embarrassed by this level of support from my own adult kids.
The more you do for some people the more you are expected to do. No good deed ever goes unpunished.
MIL needs to get a grip and if your SIL wants to burn herself out with this ridiculous level of support then that’s on her.
Don’t get dragged into this circus.

Really this is your husband's problem- if he doesn't have time to help his mother or take her to appointments then you don't, and she has to accept a different solution.
I would also point out 62 is no age at all these days and really she needs to do these things herself- why is your SIL saying you have to step up, if your MIL should be doing these things herself, probably because your SIL often does them- that's her choice , but she can't choose for you.
My mother can be difficult refuses help and expects me to rush into the breach-I put up with some of it , but it is MY mother and she is 87.
I think your MIL and your SIL need a reality check, and really your husband should supply it, not you.

Sounds like a tricky situation. You’re still caring for young children, but expected to care for the older generation too (I think her actual age is misleading, as clearly she is unwell). I think she should be happy with the online shopping and cleaner (or pretend to be at least), but can understand why she wants more family support with the appointments (some autoimmune diseases have brain fog as a symptom and I’m guessing there’s a lot to take in). That being said, with work and young kids, her expectations of being taken to multiple appointments seem unrealistic. Between you and your husband, could you try to tackle a few while his sister is out of action for her operation. Or are there any friends or other relatives that could do a couple too. I hope it all works out though.

Only in very very recent times and only because the goalposts have moved.
It wasnt working age fifteen years ago. Just because goalposts move does not mean that the sixties magically become like the forties

Youve been more than fair and she can’t dictate that you give up your time. If she doesn’t like the cleaner then the house can stay dirty. As for Uber - her alternative is to use hospital transport and to call up local taxi firms, maybe there is one with female only drivers.
She’s very fortunate to have your help at all, her ingratitude and complaints wouldn’t make me warm to her.

I 🤔 the anxiety is the issue here. I'm almost 65, have just had a knee replacement and have reduced mobility. This is due to increasingly painful arthritis, but I still work FT! My beloved Mum on the other hand was in her 80s before she asked for help and similarly didn't want any strangers in the house. I did it all but looking back it was far too much for me and I 🤔 worsened my own health. I wish I'd done what you are doing from the start - then I could have spent quality time with her rather than running myself ragged on chores!

Exactly! I'm nearly 65 with painful arthritis and struggling to keep working!

MIL doesn’t even like OP and why do people always assume that others give a f-k about an inheritance especially if it is involving someone that didn’t like them to begin with.

Not all of us our waiting for people to die in hopes we get something out of it.

Until very recently most people died before they reached retirement. Op will still be several years from retirement by the time she's 62.

I think it’s fine but I think a lot of it should continue once SIL is recovered as clearly too much has been left to her.

And then I do think your DH should
step in to do some of it - driving to some appointments, some visits etc She clearly wants the company.

Online shop and cleaner should carry on, but the two children between them should split doing lifts, visits and the housework that the cleaner won’t get to.

Your DH may be 30 mins away but it isn’t that far. Yes you have kids but there are two of you, he can be spared some of the time. Everyone had a job, and most make some allowance for caring responsibilities.

Perhaps OP's own Mum has not expressed racist views about her son -in-law and grandchildren and behaved badly at her daughter's wedding.

Sorry, I hadn’t seen the latest update. That is horrible that she’s racist.

Also it’s BS because my exh’s younger son looks exactly like him, even though exh is white and his current partner is black. But that’s neither here nor there - it’s still racist of her.

But I did very much mean that your DH should do the helping not you.

My sympathy in saying that was for SIL rather than MIL.

She sounds like a racist, unpleasant and entitled woman, unfortunately.
It's hard to know how frail and unwell she is, as opposed to generally demnding and incapable. Obviously, she has medical conditions but many people manage to work in their 50s and 60s despite autoimmune conditions, bad backs and anxiety. The SIL is her official carer and in receipt of carer's allowance. She doesn't work on top of this at all and has no children. She's in a v different situation to the OP and her DH. Considering the history here, it's kind of @Enablinglocationiseasier to get involved. I think she needs to let her DH deal with this situation.