Not Letting Nephews Stay Over When Parents Move In

[Beelineshmeeline]

Basically, I split with ex last year and now have 50/50 shared custody with ex. My parents and I aren't that close but they decided to sell their house and look for a new place a lot further away, it's a big move and they're looking for the home to retire in so they're not in a rush to get the next one, they wanna take their time. They asked to come stay with me and I said yes because I'm currently mostly living alone and it seemed like it might help both of us.

Problem is my parents have my brothers sons a lot usually, at least over night a couple of nights a week and they're usually there through the day quite often. Its been very unbalanced and my parents rarely had my DC. So they're in the process of moving stuff into my house and my brother rang yesterday asking where my nephews would be sleeping when they came over because there's not enough rooms. I said they wouldn't be, they've never stayed over and I don't have the space.

He went off on one, I spoke to my parents who said they agreed and said they'd already explained to him they wouldn't be able to babysit anymore but this isn't enough for my brother and his wife who have called me again this morning asking what they're supposed to do for childcare and said its just spite that I won't let them stay over.

We're not a close family. My brother never bothers with my DC or me, I don't have the space, and in the selfish ways, I honestly do not want my house filled with children. I agreed to let my parents stay, not become a makeshift daycare. I know it's ridiculous but I'm going through separation, my child is disabled, it's already a lot to take 2 more people in when we're not close. Adding my nephews to the picture several times a week just isn't happening. I'd have assumed they'd have found other options considering my parents plan on moving several hours away at least!

You aren’t unreasonable. Your brother is a CF’r who probably tried bullying your parents and is now trying to bully you. He sounds like a massive twat.

Is your parents wanting to move a couple hours away tied to his obnoxious behaviour?

The son can pay for childcare like everyone else does! He doesn’t need it he just can’t be bothered parenting his own children!! I’m sure the grandparents will enjoy spending time with them when they aren’t dumped on them every day by the cheeky fucker of a son and daughter in law!!

You realise your parents are not your staff, yes? They are actually entitled to their own life and not be on call babysitters for their lazy, selfish, entitled son?

It's OP's daughter who is disabled and it's OP who has never had much help or input from her parents as they have been busy looking after her brother's two children at least two days a week. As they will be living with OP for a while, they will be able to provide some help and support for OP while building a relationship with their disabled grandaughter.

OP's brother sounds very entitled and demanding which is probably why OP's parents are pulling back from him and his family.

I am 60 years old. I am a grandmother to two little girls who I adore. To help out my son and DIL I take the girls to school every day, pick them up, give them their tea, babysit so son and DIL can have time at home alone or date night, I don't consider myself "staff". Me and my husband enjoy our lives, days out, nights out, holidays. My parents did the same for us when our boys were growing up. It's just how we are, we're very family orientated. I've always looked at this post through the grandparents' eyes, I feel sorry for the OP that she hasn't had a close enough relationship with them to offer support through her separation and with her disabled child. Likewise, I see no problem with them looking after their son's children, their grandchildren, I can't imagine wanting to move miles away and effectively turn their backs on everyone. As for people spouting all this vitriol towards OP's brother, effing and jeffing, that's not my style. I haven't been on MN long, and thought it would be fun, but it's really opened my eyes to how nasty some people can be, on some threads pure evil, I'm wondering if it's worth it, maybe I should stick to my quiz books and knitting 😂

And that's great, if it is a life you are choosing but providing childcare is not obligatory. Maybe your children behave with a bit more grace and gratitude than OP's brother appears to be doing. Even if you start out willingly, once people become entitled, it is not going to endear them to you.

Oh we're all very grateful for one another and take nothing for granted, we appreciate one another and are respectful to one another. There is so much unnecessary animosity on here. Just be kind to one another and don't go through your life being angry and bitter, it gives you wrinkles 🙄

But don't forget OP's parents are moving to somewhere they've wanted to move to for years and towards other members of their family.
From what OP has said they also seem to have been taken for granted with the childcare.
They told their son they would no longer be able to do childcare and he has blamed OP. If he had offered for his parents to stay with him the situation would have been different.
Your experience with your family is different.

I think you should stick around as it will be useful for you to understand other perspectives. The ops brother is clearly taking his parents completely for granted while giving nothing in return- he could have offered they live with him while they need somewhere, and he didn’t, instead he decided the ops small house just had to accommodate his kids as well for his free overnight childcare. This might be one of your friends being taken for granted, and the supportive friedn response they would need from you is not ‘we should all just be kind’. It’s more ‘I’m so sorry hes being a selfish turd and I know you didn’t bring him up like that.’

Yes, well we're all really easy going types of people, I'm sorry that some people like a bit of drama and family discord, life's too short 🤷

No, never had experience of familial fighting. All my friends are like me, we meet at the park with our grandchildren or on the beach in the summer, they're like me, we do it for our own benefit, our grandchildren's benefit and our children's benefit. We are happy grannies!!

“How selfish society is, with people thinking they can do what they want! Don’t they know they should be doing what I want?”

You do what you enjoy, and what best suits you. Other people are free to have their own opinions as to what constitutes a life enjoyed and well lived. Rest assured that your idea of a dream retirement of endless self sacrifice and childcare is to someone else less attractive than contracting Ebola.

Why have children in the first place if you want to discard them when they reach adulthood? You should know that it's likely that your children will have children, or is it to be accepted that you'll be fed up with children by then?

I think I would say that the nephews were welcome during the day but nights are not practical . Unless they are both night shift workers??

Wouldn't it be quite nice to get to know your nephews and do them to spend time with the grandkids before they move?

But yanbu it was very cheeky and odd that he was having a go at you.

bye......

Expecting your children to be able to care for their own children is not discarding them. Most people aged 60 are still working and not in a position to live your rose-tinted lifestyle of trips to the beach/park with all the other neighbourhood grannies. I think you should stick around, you might learn a few things about people with very different life experiences.

‘Discard them’

Yes, because not revolving your entire life around your adult children, smiling beatifically as you provide endless childcare is akin to throwing them to the wolves. Quite the flair for the dramatic you have there.

Their children have reached adulthood, and are perfectly capable of taking responsibility for their own lives, and for the children they chose to have.

-but yes, sounds like they are, not at all unreasonably, beyond fucking sick of their son dumping his kids onto them.

Sharing is caring 😐

Mumsnet? More like Meannet.

thats what my 3yo says when she wants something that someone else has.

Mine too, that's why I said it

Yes. And?

Your doing the right thing in ignoring your entitled brother. You decided to let your parents stay with you when they house hunt in a different area. You knew that long term they were planning to move to that area as your mother has family members there.
My feeling is that your parents are moving sooner than they planned and your brother is not happy over this. Now he has realised that he can no longer have his kids minded by them and your not willing to mind his kids in your smaller home either.

My feeling is that your parents have had enough of minding grandkids and they want to move to enjoy themselves before moving becomes too much for them. You letting them stay with you say for a while means they are ready when they find a new house and can move quickly in.

I ensure that they mind your child the odd night to gave you a brake and that you can still meet your own friends ect when they are living with you.

TheSunRisesInTheEast

You are doing what many posters on here also do. You are looking at the problem from your own perspective and family. You cannot see that other peoples situations are different and how you and yours might react, and the outcome, might not be the same in others situations.

As a pp said, stick around. You might be shocked to discover how diverse people’s thoughts and actions are. You might also begin to empathise with others in different circumstances.

In the beginning on here i thought i was quite a middle of the road, logical thinker but quickly learnt that many people do think and behave in ways that are at odds to my way. It’s amazing how different we all are, and how complex we all are. It’s definitely not a case of my way is right (although we all still secretly think we are 😂)
And we have to remember our behaviour is shaped from our childhood and our experiences, and that many are not so lucky to learn how to help themselves emotionally. And even the best parents can have children who go different ways to how they have been bought up.

Ask we can really do is put ourselves in a posters shoes and try to help. It’s no good saying “well my family doesn’t work like that.” How is that helpful?

BRAVO!!! X