Not Letting Nephews Stay Over When Parents Move In

[Beelineshmeeline]

Basically, I split with ex last year and now have 50/50 shared custody with ex. My parents and I aren't that close but they decided to sell their house and look for a new place a lot further away, it's a big move and they're looking for the home to retire in so they're not in a rush to get the next one, they wanna take their time. They asked to come stay with me and I said yes because I'm currently mostly living alone and it seemed like it might help both of us.

Problem is my parents have my brothers sons a lot usually, at least over night a couple of nights a week and they're usually there through the day quite often. Its been very unbalanced and my parents rarely had my DC. So they're in the process of moving stuff into my house and my brother rang yesterday asking where my nephews would be sleeping when they came over because there's not enough rooms. I said they wouldn't be, they've never stayed over and I don't have the space.

He went off on one, I spoke to my parents who said they agreed and said they'd already explained to him they wouldn't be able to babysit anymore but this isn't enough for my brother and his wife who have called me again this morning asking what they're supposed to do for childcare and said its just spite that I won't let them stay over.

We're not a close family. My brother never bothers with my DC or me, I don't have the space, and in the selfish ways, I honestly do not want my house filled with children. I agreed to let my parents stay, not become a makeshift daycare. I know it's ridiculous but I'm going through separation, my child is disabled, it's already a lot to take 2 more people in when we're not close. Adding my nephews to the picture several times a week just isn't happening. I'd have assumed they'd have found other options considering my parents plan on moving several hours away at least!

A mother's instinct is to have all her children being at least friendly with one another, if not loving. My boys are like chalk and cheese, rarely socialise together and have very little in common, but when I see them having a laugh together it melts my heart ❤️. I wouldn't dream of telling either of them that the other had said something off about the other one, that would be hurtful and harmful to their relationship and would serve no purpose. Their happiness means everything to me. A mother is only ever as happy as her most miserable child - very true.

maybe you are in different circumstances?

You DO realise that once your parents move in, they won’t move out again don’t you? If you ever want to move on with 'your' life, you’ll still have your parents. Your brother obviously loves this idea, as he and his wife will have lots of lovely time to themselves, while he offloads his children on to you. Ideally, your parents should move in with him, which should encourage them to actually 'look' for a new home.You really need to look ahead.

Yes, thankfully I am. Life is what you make it. I'd be supporting my daughter with her post separation, giving love, care and support to my disabled grandson, giving my son and his wife one night (not two, that's over the top) off per week to do as they please, whilst enjoying the company of my two grandsons, and forgetting about moving miles away from them all to fulfill a selfish choice to be near other relatives less needy than my own children and grandchildren. A family's for life not just for Christmas 😉

Can you not envision that other folks' circumstances may be dfifferent?

It has nothing to do with "hate" and everything to do with "elder abuse".

I don't agree. The grandparents (OP's parents) are the ones at fault here. They're needed to help out with the daughter's and son's lives, but instead they're moving away, leaving in their wake a daughter and son who don't want anything to do with one another, and three little boys without their grandparents around. It sounds like none of them were close until recently, OP deserves better and so do the grandsons.

For what? For wanting to do what they want to do and not being used as free childcare?

The grandparents are allowed to say no.

Clearly they felt they needed to.

The reaction of the son to this is out of order. His kids, his responsibility.

His parents don't 'owe' child care.

I immediately thought "I bet the parents have long decided that it's time to run far, far away! Good on them!!!"

I’m sure your parents are secretly a bit relieved

You sound a lovely, friendly, caring, amiable lot (not.) I am very family orientated, I love having my family around me, and take great pleasure in spending time with my granddaughters, including taking them to school, having sleepovers, days out, holidays, it isn't a chore like you make it out to be. There's too much "me, me, my" nowadays, there are three generations of us and we love sharing our lives with one another. I just cannot relate to all the selfishness on here.

Don’t give it a second thought.

If your parents want to spend time with the grandkids whilst staying at yours they can pick them up and take them out somewhere. Not your problem.

And another thought - if you gave in to your brother and started hosting his children that situation would probably continue after your parents move out.
Don't weaken - it's his problem.

I think this is an issue between your parents and their child, not you and your sibling.

YANBU. Your brothers child care arrangements aren't your problem. You don't have the room to accommodate your nephews nor should you have to. If your vrother has an issue maybe he should house your parents. He can have the inconvenience as well as the benifits. TBH, I'm not sure having your patents is a good idea. I think living together can make relationships more fraught..Do you have acolan if it doesn't work well? I guess your parents could always rent somewhere or do air b&b in the location they want to move to.

If you don’t get on with your parents then don’t let them move in with your. I can see your brother and your parents going against your boundaries. They can rent or move in with their son.

The op isn't stopping the grandparents seeing brothers children. They can easily see them at brothers house just not stay over at op's home.

Op is right. Brother is wrong.

Yes, OP is right, I agree, she has enough on her plate. My beef is from a parents/grandparents point of view, I am angry with OP's parents that they are turning their backs on their children and grandchildren, who all need them, to move miles away to be near their cousins 🤷

They don't 'need' them. Thats part of the point. You don't use people like this. It has to be a mutually agreeable arrangement that everyone is happy with. It has to be reciprecal and it has to be fair.

Plenty of people cope without family support. You don't 'need' it. You appreciate it.

Its fairly obvious the brother sees it as an entitlement and takes it for granted - this is actually a toxic dynamic that no one should have to put up with. Its no ok. He's been abusive over it.

The grandparents may also feel they are at the point of feeling unable to keep up with the demands of small children and their parents haven't responded well to them saying 'this is too much' because they are too demanding.

Either way the grandparents actually do NEED to step away from this because its unhealthy.

then stop posting with opinions on something you cannot relate to!

Im reading this situation as one where none of the family are particularly close to the others. Incuding the grandchildren. The parents have been bullied into being the default childminders despite not having a good relationship with their son or Dil. They have probably had enough of their sons attitude to them and have tired of looking after 2 ' lively' boys as the health of one parent is deteriorating.
I think they have made this decision now as something else has prompted the quick move to stop taking the boys . Otherwise it could have waited until they had sorted out their housing in the new area before leaving their old one.

I wish these parents well in the new area where they will have others who care for them as people and not as staff.

Wow

They don't 'need' them, Op said herself the babysitting is rarely for work, the brother and his wife just want the time to themselves.

OP, don't be one bit surprised if your brother turns up with your nephews and dumps them at your house, its what cheeky fxxkers do.....and he's one of them.

Some people cannot accept no.
My friends brother did this when his marriage broke up and he thought he could dump them on her for the mid term.
She packed up and went visiting family to prove the point.
She also went full no contact, they were not close, and now his lovely wife left him, she had no intention of suddenly being used.

Stay strong and mind yourself, you have more than enough taking your parents on.