Not Letting Nephews Stay Over When Parents Move In

[Beelineshmeeline]

Basically, I split with ex last year and now have 50/50 shared custody with ex. My parents and I aren't that close but they decided to sell their house and look for a new place a lot further away, it's a big move and they're looking for the home to retire in so they're not in a rush to get the next one, they wanna take their time. They asked to come stay with me and I said yes because I'm currently mostly living alone and it seemed like it might help both of us.

Problem is my parents have my brothers sons a lot usually, at least over night a couple of nights a week and they're usually there through the day quite often. Its been very unbalanced and my parents rarely had my DC. So they're in the process of moving stuff into my house and my brother rang yesterday asking where my nephews would be sleeping when they came over because there's not enough rooms. I said they wouldn't be, they've never stayed over and I don't have the space.

He went off on one, I spoke to my parents who said they agreed and said they'd already explained to him they wouldn't be able to babysit anymore but this isn't enough for my brother and his wife who have called me again this morning asking what they're supposed to do for childcare and said its just spite that I won't let them stay over.

We're not a close family. My brother never bothers with my DC or me, I don't have the space, and in the selfish ways, I honestly do not want my house filled with children. I agreed to let my parents stay, not become a makeshift daycare. I know it's ridiculous but I'm going through separation, my child is disabled, it's already a lot to take 2 more people in when we're not close. Adding my nephews to the picture several times a week just isn't happening. I'd have assumed they'd have found other options considering my parents plan on moving several hours away at least!

Surely they are going to have to find child care when your parents move away anyway? And, reading between the lines, perhaps they never wanted to be strong armed into caring for the nephews in the first place and this is why they are moving some considerable distance. I am guessing that they have been trying to establish boundaries for some time and that brother and SiL were simply not listening or backing down.

As others posters have pointed out, this is an issue between your parents and brother.

They have the option of childcare from your parents using their own home. They could undertake their remote work from a library, cafe or work hub whilst this happens.

Your SIL needs to determine which is more important, choosing not to be around your father or having help with childcare.

They have options to continue to use your parents for childcare, they are just not as useful to them as the previous arrangement that has ended because your parents chose to move.

OP, you are not being at all unreasonable. You are just being used as a target for your brother to direct his frustrations at

Your brother needs to sort this out with his parents

His parents cannot provide childcare while living with you. That is the position

If they want to provide childcare then they need to make alternative arrangements

That might mean you slightly lose out but you're living alone now and can manage as you have been managing.

So, your brother could have taken them in but didn't. Well he's made his choices and you're free to make your own. Of course yanbu, he sounds utterly entitled. Ignore him.

Since both you and your parents agree about this, your brother and his wife will just need to make alternative arrangements and looks after their own kids for a change.

I'm sure he's pissed off he's lost his free childcare, but too bad, eh?

I mean, it sounds like your parents are trying to stop the babysitting.

They've moved in with you. They've told him they won't do it. They're moving FAR AWAY.

It seems like he won't take no from your parents and he's starting on you!

As your parents have already told him they can't babysit any more, it's not really up to you. Try to step out from the crossfire and leave your parents and brother to sort themselves out.

A wake up call for your brother who assumed he could rely on his parents for what seems rather a lot of childcare.
As for the emotional blackmail, just see that for what it is. And it isn’t nice no matter the circumstances. Pretty low really.

This is down to your parents to negotiate. If they had a childcare commitment and have seemingly dropped your brother in it without communication, that's on them.
However as others have said, surely makes sense for them to babysit at DBs house.

Bit of a strange situation all round really, sounds like there's jealousy and spite on both parts

Obviously stand your ground with your brother.

I don't think it's going to be a good idea to let your parents move in with no end date in sight and you don't have a great relationship.

I'd be saying that dbro and SIL outburst has made you think your DPs need to move in with them.

Though it sounds like your DPs are moving because of your brother.

Yes. It is quite literally not your problem to solve.

Agree with him. 'Yes it is spiteful. The answer is still no' 😃 You're not losing anything, he sounds awful.

You are in the right to set boundaries. Sorry for everything you have gone through with the separation. Reading this did make me think how many threads there are on MN with family issues caused by a set of grandparents over providing childcare to one set of grandchildren. It is a situation I have experienced myself. The parents over relying on their parents for childcare - unnecessary overnights/ making the grandparents responsible for medical appointments/ teaching grandchild to swim, hosting birthdays and Christmas, not sorting their nursery days in time but going back to work so the GP have to step kn etc etc always make out their circumstances are harder, often because they haven't got their own life together. For example those parents often never sort out before and after school or do anything to change their hours or working pattern. To me as a parent who adapts and works hard to look after the family without relying excessively on GP they look like they have never really grown up. Don't expect them to be reasonable now. Absolutley don't become yet another family member they expect unpaid and unappreciated and unreasonable help from.

It’ll be nice for you all I’m sure. Benefiting both sides equally.

Your brother has been lucky to have two kid free nights for as long as he’s had, but that time has come to an end. He just needs to get used to it; other people need to live their lives too.

Please stick to your guns and don't allow anyone to bully you. The cheek of him.

I accidentally clicked on YABU 🙈🙈🙈

why aren’t your parents staying at your brothers? 🤔
sorry if some1 has already asked 💐

I am usually diplomatic but in this instance I would tell my brother to fuck off. Sorry not helpful but reading your post made my blood boil on your behalf.

Op said in one of the updates that he has the room for the parents but hasn't asked them to stay. Obviously brother and wife like their own space which is what they've been doing for years by dumping their children on their parents. They're not about to change now.

Why are your parents moving so far away? Have they had enough?

SIL and my dad don't get along (both opposite ends of politics and both have the need to constantly remind one another about it, think hard-core labour against lifelong Tory) so I can't see her wanting them round.

Trying to work out whether its more Tory or Labour to insist that your sister in law provides her home for childcare so that you can work in peace.

OP, your brother and SIL are bonkers. This isn't your problem.

Do NOT let your nephews stay over - I wouldn’t be surprised if your brother and SIL are trying to work out where they’re going to get their free childcare from when your parents move away, and are planning to line you up for it - if your nephews start staying over when your parents are there, I bet they’d keep dropping them off when your parents move.

Definitely do not allow your brother near your house.
Make it very clear in a text to your brother.
Make it very clear in a text to your parents so there is no confusion.

I think you are just bringing hassle into your home having your parents to stay with you, so you better make it very clear "no childcare in MY house".

Your brother sounds like a bully.
Block him or involve the police if he comes near you.

What a tosser he is- stand your ground. If he brings it up again you say you know the way to keep your cushy on demand childcare was to offer for mum and dad to move in with you but you were just too self centred to consider that. Shame on you.

I am confused by this. Your brother and wife ask where the boys will be sleeping in your house as they know there's not enough room yet your brother claims your response is 'just spite'? They ask what they're going to do for childcare now, but they generally just dump the boys on your parents and go back home to loaf around?

I'm not surprised your DP are putting distance between him & them. You could maybe follow them?

Stick to your guns, just say no & don't allow brother any way to manipulate you. I'm not going to ask what brother plans to do once the parents are safely ensconced on Mull or the Scilly Isles or wherever, far away from him. But you won't be having his children, will you OP?

Your brother and SIL need to make alternative childcare arrangements.

Don't be bullied and let any further phonecalls from him and his wife go unanswered.

Choose peace for yourself.