DP’s son moving in

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I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

It absolutely should have been fully discussed upfront.
I would be very seriously considering my options here if I were you.

Wow seriously!? Unless there's been some sort of understanding in your previous home that his DS could move in full time without discussing it then id say he is being totally unreasonable and its not out of line to suggest pulling out of the sale.

Of course he should have discussed with you first. You haven't exchanged yet, so still have time to pull out if this doesn't work for you.

Yeah that's not his decision to make alone. I second the PP above. What's your current living situation?

I forgot to mention current living situation. We both live separately at the moment but have spent a long time living between the two houses so we know we can live together ok etc.

Pull out of the new house. It’s not up to you to house this adult.

You sound very passive in this.

You need to pull out and maintain your own home.

Pull out now

I think it’s more because I feel I’m being unreasonable to say no - it’s his son after all!

Had he genuinely not floated the idea previously?

What did you say when he said it?

Do you have any objections to the son living with you, or is it the way he's gone about it with assuming he can just decide this and drop it on you last minute?

Does he have form for this on seemingly less important things? For instance does he just casually drop on you that he's going to be out all day Sunday on Sunday morning?

Nope pull out the house purchase. I think.sometimes comments like that are ott but this is one of those times were it isnt. Its a joint property who lives there is a joint discussion not a passing comment of a fate acompli

Definitely should of discussed it with you. At 19, is he working or studying? Is he going to be in the house 24/7 and you're expected to cook and clean up after him? Depends on that situation and are you 50/50 on the property? You could call it off if it's not. It would end your relationship but then you wouldn't be happy in your relationship anyway.

This definitely should have been discussed and agreed. Also the son is an adult, so what is the arrangement for him contributing financially? Me and DH have already discussed how we would approach this if either his kids or mine want to do this in future when they are adults.
This is wrong OP and you need to stand your ground.

Nope has never mentioned it once - his DS has only just decided he wants to live with DP. I was speechless to be honest. And then he started talking about how we can make the new bedrooms work!

That is not a trivial thing. Moving someone else into your home without discussion is unreasonable.
I'd not go ahead with the purchase. Stay in your own home.

What are sons living arrangements now? It doesn’t matter whether you’re ok with it or not, it matters that your DP just drops that in without discussion. Did you talked about living decorating the new place and if he didn’t say anything about son’s room that’s poor form. You need call him out on that behaviour to allay your worries about what else he’s gonna drop in. Are you both planning children? Will there be space with DSS there?

If someone told me that my child was unwelcome as a young adult, I wouldn’t be moving in with them.

Having said that, I am hoping that my DC would have a plan for achieving independence once they reach their 20s. Is his DS working or in education? I agree this should have come up when you discussed what size of house you needed. I expect that DP has only recently found out too!

Yanbu to say no or pull out of the move.
His son is an adult not a child and has no automatic right to move into what will be your home especially without even asking you.
I'd pull out because of the level of disrespect that you've been shown by your partner and his son and tge assumption that he can unilateral invite another adult to live with you.
Big fat no for me, I might have considered it if he'd asked but hes just told you like its a fait accomplish

Having an issue with his son moving in and having an issue with him not discussing it with you are two different things.

Had you discussed how expenses would be divided? Did you think it would be 50/50 and are now being expected to pick up half the tab for another adult you weren't expecting to be sharing a house with?

I think your partner is really unreasonable to think he can move his son in without discussing it with you and I would be very concerned that he will continue to make decisions affecting you without any discussion. I would not move in with someone who had so little regard for me.

I also wonder about how your partner treats you generally for you to be questioning your feelings about this. It's him, not you. If he often makes you feel like you're the problem you should not move in with this man.

Agree. This is a very very bad sign actually, huge. This relationship isn't what you thought it was if he can unilaterally decide such a thing. It's a very bad idea to move in together and especially tying yourself to him by buying a house together.

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no discussion would be a huge problem for me. The house is half yours. I think it points to problems down the road.

And it's your home after all!
Unbelievable that he did not discuss it with you.

To answer a few questions

His son currently lives with his mum and stays at DPs once a week. However, he turned up at DPs earlier this week and announced he was moving in with him.

He currently works.

Even if his son was still a child, this really should be discussed up front, not presented as a fait accompli. Unless said child already lived with him full time.

No way I'd accept this.