DP’s son moving in

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I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

In other words hes a lazy slob and has decided to move in so you can be his maid service

It's certainly not acceptable for your DP to just announce out of the blue that his son will be moving in. However out if interest, if it had been discussed previously would it have affected your choice of property? Can you comfortably accommodate 3 adults (4 when your own DC is home) in the house your are currently purchasing?

And it is your home, after all, or at least it will be. You don't just draft someone else in to live in the house permanently without checking first - whoever else lives there has to be comfortable with it, because it changes the entire dynamic. It's also significant that the house is in your name and you're helping to pay for it - so of course you have a say in who lives there.

How would he feel if you announced that you too had decided your child was moving in?

Yes we have discussed that they could potentially be back at some point.

For me, it’s the lack of discussion about this situation - oh by the way, DS will be living with us in the new house!

Whoa, haud the bus! He told you, he's not discussed it ?? There are 2 things there, you having an unexpected third party in your relationship and his lack of consideration.

How do you feel about it. Are you unhappy enough for it to be a deal-breaker. Personally, I'd be calling a halt to it, it's not the arrangement I'd agreed to.

This is something that should have been discussed in relation to all children before you even started looking to move in together. It's the unilateral decision that would bother me.

I wouldn’t move in with him; you lose your autonomy and any privacy you currently have as a couple. If you’ve not exchanged I’d pull out; by not consulting you he’s shown he’s not a keeper.

I actually think he’d be fine if I announced mine was moving in, which makes me feel awful!

But he didn't want to live with his dad when his dad lived alone? I'd be wary about exactly what role you are expected to play in the household.

I agree and so you need to have the discussion now in full and not be censored by any 'but i feel bad it's his son i can't say anything' feelings, because he's dropped this on you out of the blue and it needs talking through not assuming it's fine with everyone. It's a big change to the living arrangements on top of the fact that it's your first house together and that can't just be done unilaterally. You may very well end up being fine with it but you still need to be consulted and heard without any guilt-tripping or bulldozing. Have the conversation today and don't either of you park it or squash it till it's properly talked through. This is a big marker for how this is going to work (or not) going forward.

Sometimes adult children come back, it’s fairly normal, your own child may move back too at some point, or want to stay for weeks during holidays.
what’s different here is that there has been no discussion regarding how your new arrangements are going to work.

Is the house big enough for his DS and yours to both be there at the same time? Who will be responsible for the extra costs, the cleaning, washing and cooking. Young men eat an awful lot of food! What will happen if he behaves badly- gets drunk, makes a lot of noise, has loads of mates round?

Ground rules need to be agreed.

You are not his mum, this must be sorted out before you go any further.

That would grate on me too.

I just couldn't quite understand whether you were miffed about him assuming something when you were also making that assumption.

How did it not come up as a possibility for his DC to move in when talking about yours?

So what did you say when he announced this? Have you discussed since and how do you feel about it?

It’s hard to get a sense of the above from your replies.

I can’t believe you have 2 19yos and this hasn’t come up at all during the viewings or any discussion that you’ve had. 6-18 months ago they were schoolkids you had the potential to have 24/7 but now you haven’t even said anything about them having a bedroom in the new house or keeping their stuff there either in the sense of “I really want them to feel at home in the new house and decorate their rooms how they want them” or “We’ll keep the second bedroom as a gym and the third bedroom as an office and we’ll swap the sofa bed for a pair of armchairs in case anyone gets the idea they can stay over”.
I wouldn’t by a house that didn’t have the potential to semi-permanently house one of my adults, whether that’s home after uni, home after relationship breakdown, home while saving to move out etc. But not would I particularly want to live with someone else’s child so I don’t think I would have started down this path with a couple of teenagers on the scene and expected it to go differently. Ultimately he thinks he’s buying a new house and you are moving in and that’s your big problem.

Whether or not you would have said no is beside the point! The point is that your DP agreed to something that will have such a huge impact on your life without even feeling the need to discuss it with you. You are being ridiculously over-accommodating to think that might be OK.

Sorry but I would be reconsidering the whole relationship.

Yes, in an ideal world this would have been discussed prior to finding a house to buy etc. but the son only just told OPs partner that he wants to live with his dad full-time. He'd be a pretty rubbish dad if he refused.

I wouldn't be surprised if it was the partner's and son's plan all along.

You think he would be fine? You should feel awful, you're setting double standards.

Pull out. Pull out today. He has no respect for you, and doesnt view you as important enough to divulge critical information.

"having digested what you have said the other day about your son living in the house full time, and the very notion you hadn't mentioned this to me, just dropping it in conversation rather than consulting with me as a partner and an equal, I'm not going to proceed with the house move, I wish you every happiness but im going to stay put"

Dont go ahead.

Time to stop and both have a good discussion about this in relation to all your children. Make sure you are on the same page, or keep things as they are now.

The question is, does it bother you enough to want to pull out of the purchase?

If no, you just need to have a stern chat with DP about him making assumptions you'd be okay about it and putting down firm boundaries for his son living with you.

If yes, then you need to do it today for the sake of the seller and your individual buyers. But be prepared that it may well end your relationship, because it's a bit of a double standard if your uni son has an allocated room to stay in whenever he wants but your DP's son isn't allowed to stay long-term.

His Mum - his actual Mum who would naturally be more forgiving - probably 'moans' because he takes the piss...

The fact your DP has sprung it on you so late shows that it's dodgy and he knows it's dodgy... Yes, 'it's his child', but you can want to live with a partner without wanting to live with their child. Perfectly valid.

Stop now before you're taken any further for a ride. If you're still strong together in a few years time, when (if) DC is living independently, you can still do it. Don't fall for the 'sunk costs fallacy', it is worth writing off the solicitors' and EA's fees - you'd only end up with DP and his DC combined against you, both seeing you as the problem for 'moaning' when you're trying to resist being their house elf...

His son has always lived with his mum and just stayed at his dad’s once a week and seemed happy with that. Apparently it’s the moaning from the mum that has kicked this off.

Yes odd that eh?

OP you'd be mad to buy a house with him. You'll end up running around after two men who give your feelings no consideration whatsoever

But you aren’t objecting to his son (I don’t think!) you’re objecting to your DP making a huge decision that affects the living arrangements for everyone who lives in a house that isn’t wholly his, with no apparent thought of discussing it with you first.

I think that’s how to frame it when you raise the issue with your DP - which you absolutely should - before everything is tied up. His reaction to that will be very telling, and inform where you go next

Why wouldn't he have moved in with his dad when it was just his dad though?