DP’s son moving in

[maximusss]

I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

Why do I suspect that this "moaning" actually means "mum asked me to contribute to the household and tidy up after myself and I don't wanna"

If his Mum moans at him a lot, what's to stop the same annoying behaviours at yours?

Your feelings matter here op.

I would feel as if mine didn't if a partner suddenly announced their ds was moving in.

It doesn't bode well for your relationship.

What has this to do with anything? No-one is saying discussions shouldn’t be had and options considered but her DP has informed her this is happening IN HER NEW HOME. I doubt very much that she is going to tell her DP her daughter is moving in without any prior discussion because that is what you do when you live with other people, whether they are your children, teenagers, adults, flat mates, lodgers, even pets get discussed before they are bought into a home.

That would be perfect, when the 3 of you are there.
See your future.
Do they have a calm discussion with you, or gang up on you?

YANBU at all. You have lived alone after your kids have started to get their lives together and met someone new who you have decided to get a house with and now have had it sprung on you that there will be another adult living there.
This is not on at all. How long have you b3en together? I would have to pull out. Just explain that you wanted a home together with a guest room, how it was before.

Perhaps he is a shit partner but I can also see, from the perspective of being a parent to young adults, that he has no choice but to be gung ho about it unless he wants to fracture his relationship with his child. A discussion means that they are discussing whether to say yes or no to him moving in, but for the partner no is not an option so I can see why he is thinking a discussion isn't needed. I can also see that he isn't looking at this from OPs perspective and I don't think he has approched this brilliantly, but I suspect in his eyes this is a no-bainer. As I said, a heads-up would have been great but he didn't get one himself.

My adult children have both boomeranged for a couple of years now, and my door is always open to them and if I lived with someone, I would expect them to be fine with it too.

It sounds like there's a real lack of communication in this relationship.

You've both got children that could realistically be living at home with parents. It's hard to believe that the subject of either of them living with you full time should their circumstances change has never come up at any point during the buying process.

It's the lack of a discussion that would make me hit pause. I think it's reasonable for it to be an option that his and your DCs live with you at 19. But I think whose DC would be living where needed to be discussed when you considered moving in together, not when you're about to move in together.

Do both DC know that the other one might also be living in the house? How do they feel about it?

I wouldn’t go ahead with the purchase without a firm agreement on roles and finances. And even if you are happy about the outcome of that, still think long and hard about whether he has form for making unilateral decisions about things that impact you, even if minor.

I haven’t told mine yet as I only found out last night.

If you read my follow up posts, in conversation with OP, I was trying to find out whether they were both assuming their DC were welcome, whether plans had been made for one but not the other and whether OP was miffed about her partner assuming his child could live with them while she was doing the same.

I've also said it would annoy me if something was dropped on me with no prior discussion or agreement. And that all of these things should have been discussed before purchasing a house together.

Carry on living separately.

You've only had experience of living with your DP when his son stays 1 day a week, the dynamics will completely change when he’s there full time.

Yes it’s definitely his parents responsibility to house their child if the child can’t afford to house themselves (and let’s face it, few 19yr olds can) his mum has done her fair share and it’s time for dad to step up.

BUT, this doesn’t mean you have to live with him.

I can only imagine that the type of “nagging” this 19yr old boy is trying to avoid is things like “clean your bedroom”, “wash your sheets”, “pick up after yourself” etc. And if his mum, who no doubt loves him unconditionally, has got to the end of her tether with him, it’s unlikely he’s going to be the perfect housemate to you.

You’ve got a great set up at the moment; you have a home for you and your DC, your DP has one for him and his DS; why change that?

He’s a rubbish partner and example of respect to women to his son not to have said “I will need to discuss this with maximusss, it’s her house too”

That’s just sneaky slipping it in like that.
Did he even ask you if it’s okay?
You’re going to go from living alone to sharing a house with two men and paying for the privilege.
I would be dropping out of the house purchase and putting moving in on hold until further discussions are had.

I suspect I’m being unreasonable here

If you genuinely think your reaction is unreasonable then I'm afraid that you may be in an abusive controlling relations without realising it.

What you describe is absolutely outrageous.

Another adult who you weren’t expecting to share your new home with - and what about cooking, cleaning, laundry etc, not to mention financial contribution. This all has to be discussed and agreed upon. I would be very unhappy to have this thrust upon me, as a fait accompli, like I had no say in what happens in my own home,

Well I think it is a red herring as OP has given no indication whatsoever she was thinking the same thing.

This

Edit, I replied to wrong quote.

I'd be asking what his mother moans at him about in the first instance.

If it's his coming and going at odd hours, making a mess, leaving her to cook and clean...then he's not magically going to change his ideas if he moves house.

Saying that, I'd have gone ballastic at the initial conversation, as I spent many years in shared housing and it's not something I'd want to go back to, family or not...

Don't exchange contracts before you have an agreement you are both happy with. This should have been discussed long ago. DP is assuming this is his house and he can do whatever he likes in it. That is the problem.

I would put exchange on hold until it's all discussed properly.

Now hang on DP, if we are going to cohabit together then we need to have discussions about big decisions like this. I'm not saying he can't but why are you just telling me as if I'm not part of the conversation.

If he apologies and admits that he was pleased and just didn't think then ok.

If he loses his temper and gets defensive / irate then hit pause on the moving in.

My husband’s son moved in with us. Similar ages. There were more college and work options, more freedom on offer. He cited nagging too.

I think sometimes that relationships get frayed. My own eldest moved out, likely because of a similar phenomenon (lockdown, too pent up). Perhaps it’s a natural thing that would, in the past, propel men to find their own way in the world. My son is doing fine now and we have a good relationship.

However, back to your stepson. If the nagging is due to said young man being a motivation-less and indebted slob, you’ve got your work cut out. Many parents assume positive habits like hygeine and helping out in the house develop ‘naturally’. Or they just endlessly pick up after their sons and then realise they’ve raised a man who thinks women are skivvies. From experience, it is possible to re-educate young men. If you’re facing this, you and your partner need to present as a team.

Well, what is she moaning about? I must admit my son thinks I'm moaning a lot at the moment, because he has lofty ideas about which uni he wants to go to and the type of job he wants, but doesn't bother doing any work towards it despite A Levels being imminent! ! (He's almost 18.) Perhaps she just wants the best for him and he's reacting somehow? Which would just mean the problems will be in your house instead.