DP’s son moving in

[maximusss]

I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

Take your time with this, OP.

That's a good update to read.

Exactly. He is her partners kid and rightly looking after him.

Are you married? Are you putting money into the house? If you're not married my instinct would be to pull out of the house sale and run for the hills.

I would be very annoyed if I hadn't been asked but told his DS was moving in 24/7

Who is paying for the house? Is it equal or all his money?

BTW My DN lived at home with his parents/my sister & with his new wife until they saved up enough money for their deposit on their new home - they were both over 30 years old when they moved out

This was completely with my DS and DBIL agreement and they have a big house so there was lots of space and privacy for all of them

Talking of privacy - how much privacy or room will you have with DSS in the house?

Will there be space for him to have friends round or staying over or GF/BF moving in?

How many bathrooms are there?

Is there a 2nd sitting room so you can all be watching TV in different rooms?

Please please don't go through with the house purchase, this man has absolutely no respect for you. No doubt you will become the housekeeper to both him and his son. Please walk away.

@brassbells OP also has a DD, so she might want the same.

There is no way I would be moving in with someone when I had 19yo young adult who had not yet fully flown the nest and not assume that they could not treat that house as their home.

Yes, but doesn’t mean that op has to.

Thanks for the info about OP DD I didn't realise that

So IMHO you really need to think about number of bathrooms - would your DP be expecting his DS to share a bathroom with your DD?

Also, if your DD wants to have her BF/GF move in with her?

Really think about social areas and the number of DSS & DD friends that would be visiting

Especially if his friends are from a different area (where his DM lives) so will they be staying overnight more often if public transport stops

Or does he have a car?

Is there enough parking outside the house for 3 or 4 cars parked 24/7?

She knew he had a son before getting with him so it shouldn't be a surprise he wants to support his teen son.

So many wicked stepmothers in here its unreal.

This really sounds like you'll be worse off and unhappier buying a house together than you are now because your partner doesn't respect you enough to get your input on a significant decision like who will be living in the house and bringing drugs into the home plus the mess if he's so messy his mom can't stand it. You went from dream to nightmare but you now have a really good idea of your partner's views on shared decision making before you two move in together.

Yes.

A woman refusing to be an unpaid housekeeper to 2 grown men while she pays half the mortgage is truly wicked!

Do you think she should fuck the son, too?

Well I hope the op will be telling her children they arent welcome to live there after uni too. If his children arent welcome, then surely her kids will be treated the same.

Your language is a disgrace.

He's a weed smoker, untidy and inconsiderate of others, judging by why his mum is fed up. And if he's enabled in his current behaviour by being allowed to do the same in his dad's house, he could very well turn out to be a bum by 30. The fact that he's 19 is imo significant, but not in the way you think it is: He's a young adult now and if he isn't starting to grow up of his own accord, it's actually his parents' duty to impose some conditions around his behaviour in their homes, for his sake as well as that of others. It seems unlikely that he will, so yes OP actually is entitled to a say in whether she'll tolerate it in a home that's half hers.

And as for 'just say there are house rules' – have you actually parented teens yet? 😂 And what would be your proposed consequences if those rules were broken?

You seem to be missing the point - the son moving in full time was never mentioned until almost the last minute. If the op had full knowledge that a 19 yr old who is so messy, smokes weed etc, that his own mother has given up on him, would be moving in to a house that she’ll be paying 50% of, BEFORE she signed on the dotted line, she might have had second thoughts. How many pp would be happy with that prospect? Yes, it should be a given that one’s dc are always welcome, but it should be discussed before a house purchase by two people who are not the bio parents. And a messy weed smoker would not be welcome in many homes, bio child or otherwise.

So pleased.
This is the universe looking out for you.
Do not buy this house.
Pull out.
Don't do something you will truly regret.

Well done OP, I'm glad you have some breathing space to think this over.

Don't do it, OP. There will be other houses in the future. See how it goes with your partner's son's move in with his dad. Give it a year. I don't imagine his mum chucked him out lightly- she must have tried the 'house rules' about weed smoking, mess etc. and failed. A messy lad visiting once a week is not the same world as a messy lad living with you and regarding it as his permanent home.

Never mind the fact that your partner just dropped it on you without warning.

Of course, my dcs could move back with us if they had to do. But no one else's could.

It is WILD that this is the first time they've mentioned it.

I'm surprised in a way that it's not a conversation you've had before more generally - about whether your home will be home to your own children for as long as they want, for example which surely would also apply to his. In your situation, I would have that conversation now, and also much more importantly one about making decisions jointly. Plus anything else important you might not have talked about. And have a massive think about the commitment you're making to be sure you want to move forward with it.

@maximusss

Glad you got a little breathing room. Use it wisely.

Remember this is about YOU and what you want for yourself and DD, just as he gives first consideration as to what he wants for himself and his DS. Neither is actually 'wrong', but often the differing wants don't permit a compromise.

Consider and decide, before you broach the subject with him. There's nothing wrong with living apart for a while longer.

This - surely there must have been some general conversation about the possibility of some of your various young adults needing a home in future, if only when you were deciding how many bedrooms you needed and whether this particular house had enough space. Is there an issue perhaps of the smallest bedroom being too small for either of you to be comfortable with your adult child having it?

YANBU to pause and reconsider. He has changed the goalposts and the fact he did it unilaterally is a worry. It's also fine to say actually, nope, I'd rather just live apart after all. Not ideal, sure, but leaving it longer if you're unhappy with it is much worse - for him, as well as for you.

They probably did, but dp had unilaterally decided the son was moving in straight away. No discussion was had for that.

Hahahahaha!

You are repeating yourself (or another pp)
The issue is that OP has been given a fait accomplie. It's good that there is a hold up in the exchange of contracts so she has time to evaluate whether she continues with the house purchase. I wouldn't.

@Greenmouldycheese

"So many wicked stepmothers in here its unreal."

Ludicrous response when the adult son (not a child) has been thrown out by his own Mother for his unacceptable behaviour.

"Your language is a disgrace."

😂LMFAO This is MN.