DP’s son moving in

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I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

Oh no this isn't on to just casually drop in to conversation something as significant as this!

why is the boy moving back to his dads/planning on living with you both?
how long for?
what contribution (money/chores) towards the living costs?
hes 19 and doesnt already live with his DF, you had no reason to think he'd be joining you when you moved in together as joint owners.
i would be putting my foot down very hard as this is a shocking stealth move.
as a joint owner of the new property you absolutely have the right to say no to another adult family member joining you, he already has a home somewhere I assume.
yes I'd be concerned and would defer exchanging contracts until you've got this sorted.

Why is there an issue with bedrooms? Presumably he needs one anyway if he stays over every week?

I think you always have to take into consideration that you might end up living with their child if you decide to live with someone who has a child. Not many 19 year olds live independently these days, unless they are away at uni, so it's not completely unexpected. A heads-up would have been great though but it doesn't sound like your partner got one either and he can't really tell his son that he isn't allowed to live with him. I think you need to tread a bit carefully with this one, if I was about to move in with a partner and he said my child wasn't allowed to live with us I'd reconsider the whole relationship.

You can of course pull out of the purchase, but also, his son might just be living at home for a year or two.

Firstly you are not being unreasonable to expect your stepson moving in to have been discussed at length. I would be very concerned that this is being dropped in at the last minute and I would go so far as to say this might be a deal breaker for me. Your DP must know this is a big deal for anyone and it does smack of his way or nothing?

Secondly on the practicality of anyone moving in this needs a lot of thought. Is he working? Will he pay rent? Will be contribute to household chores? Does he have a partner wil she or he be stopping? Is he tidy? What rules on house chores will exist?

Consider firstly if you want to move in at all with hour partner and secondly then if the stepsun movement can work. Do not at all be afraid to say no.

That would be a hard no from me. DP doesn’t get to decide who moves in, neither does the son, without plenty of discussion beforehand. If I were starting out with a new partner I wouldn’t necessarily want his son moving in as it will change the dynamics entirely.The son is not a child but another adult and you don’t owe him a home. I would pull out of the purchase immediately as I would be so furious. It does not bode well for the future.

You may feel you know that you and DP can live together ok. You have absolutely no idea how having his son living with you full time is going to change the dynamic.
As a joint property this should be a joint decision, made after having a proper discussion about it.
You need to seriously consider whether you want to be tied in to a situation you would appear to have zero control over.

Huge red flag.

Pull out op**

Being ok with living with someone's child is a different issue to having it dropped on you with no discussion right before you commit to a house purchase.

“Snoken · Today 08:03
I think you always have to take into consideration that you might end up living with their child if you decide to live with someone who has a child. Not many 19 year olds live independently these days, unless they are away at uni, so it's not completely unexpected. A heads-up would have been great though but it doesn't sound like your partner got one either and he can't really tell his son that he isn't allowed to live with him. I think you need to tread a bit carefully with this one, if I was about to move in with a partner and he said my child wasn't allowed to live with us I'd reconsider the whole relationship.
You can of course pull out of the purchase, but also, his son might just be living at home for a year or two.”

For me, it’s this.

visiting someone else home is no indicator of what sharing ownership of your house will be. His assumption that he can move his son in without discussion is a very good example.

in my case, circumstances meant we kept our own places (and enjoyed visiting) for ten years, during which we had never a cross word. Once we bought a house together and moved in, all sorts of other stresses appeared.

if you could benefit from my example, you would not go ahead with the joint purchase. Stay happy together in separate homes and enjoy visiting

I'd be interested in why the son wants to move in with his dad now? Does he intend to pay rent if he is working?

Look, living across two homes (as you’ve been doing) is VERY different from living together. Add into that a mortgage / shared mortgage commitment, and then add in a 19 year old man as a housemate to whom your partner has an emotional attachment, and then add in your partner’s rather presumptuous attitude to your shared house, and then add in your own speechlessness, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster.

Don’t say you weren’t warned. This will be a horrible shambles and you’ll (expensively) split up a couple of years down the line and rue the day.

First post nails it again.

Adult children do 'bounce back' for a variety of reasons. But there should be a discussion first, especially as he is not your son!

Does your DP have any other children? Do you have any? How many others could potentially end up in your new home?! Why would your DP think that no discussion of this was needed - is he putting more money in and therefore he thinks it's more his house than your (joint) house?
You need to sort this out before exchanging...

When your DP announced it, how did you respond? Didn't you say "Shouldn't we have discussed this first?"

Also, do you have your own DC?

Springing this upon you last minute - absolutely not ok, however I would think a conversation about this kind of possibility should have been had before starting the house purchasing process when kids are involved. At 19 they will still need a lot of assistance - somewhere to come back to during uni hols / if they struggle to find work / affordable rent / split up with girlfriend etc. I would have had a chat about that at some point - what support SC may need over the next few years / what would you be happy with.

Were it me in this situation I would pause progressing forward in buying a house together. It’s not about his son moving in that is the issue, it is the lack of consultation. It is hugely disrespectful to you to just unilaterally make a decision without discussing with you first.

That's perfect timing, you haven't exchanged and he's now shown how much he values your opinion. Time to pull out of the house and possibly the relationship.

Do you have your own children? What will be the impact on bedrooms - or was there one spare?

Do you have a relationship with the son’s mother? If so, I’d be wanting to know what triggered this. Being asked to pay rent? Trying to move his girlfriend in (because that’s a next down the line possibility). Drinks or drugs?

Certainly I’d be holding off on any exchange until you’ve clarified and had a serious chat. Speak to your solicitor and get a hold put on the exchange.

Is the house your partner's or are you buying jointly..and how many bedrooms /bathrooms are there? I dont think your partner should have just 'dropped' this on you

And consider what else he might spring in you in the future without discussion.

its absolutely not about whether it is reasonable for his son to live with him, its how you work together as joint owners of a property. Lack of discussion will frankly ruin what might otherwise be a lovely relationship.

Oh hell nO

On what planet does any adult think they can casualty drop that into a conversation last minute When you're buying a house together??

and bluntly given that his DC is 19 and working and felt that it was absolutely fine to just announce, not ask, announce to his father that he was moving in, it seems the apple hasn't fallen from the tree

you're Going to saddled with living with 2 men neither of whom feel they need to ask or consult you about anything

I don't understand why you're not furious

well yes it cuts both ways. They both need to rethink their position. I would not want to be suddenly living with a v young man without my full consent!

Yeah agree with others who say it’s not on to not discuss it with you. Can you pause the house buying for now and continue to live separately? I think the idea that kids always have a home with both their parents, no questions asked, only works if the kid is an actual kid or their parents are together or the parent lives alone. Your DP should have explained that his son has decided he wants to move in with him and given you the option to either live with the two of them or continue to live on your own.

Hmmmmm... i lived with someone and we both had kids but none together and we said from the outset stuff could change and we had to be ok with that i.e if the other parent died, the kids would be with us full time end of. Usually i am.not on the side of people moaning that they see their sks more than expected and its not what they signed up for, but it kind of is. BUT this is an adult, and not something you were expecting wtf for him to casually drop it in with no explanation or chance to discuss and agree sime ground rules. Adult DC can be challenging when they are your own - issues can arise from contribution to bills, responsibility for chores, bring girls/friends home after nights out, coming home drunk, meals/food, washing - does your dh not feel you need to set boundaries together and ensure you are on the same page? Id also want to know why the son has decided - ie to be nearer a job opportunity is different to not agreeing with mums rules ( red flag). Yanbu in pressing pause while you talk it through