DP’s son moving in

[maximusss]

I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

Unacceptable that he has just announced this as a given with no discussion. Is there the assumption you will be cooking, cleaning and washing for a third adult too? Your DP is taking the piss tbh.

I would also wonder why his DS wants to move out of mums after all this time? Has she got fed up of doing everything for a grown arsed adult too?

I would not be moving in with these men at all, ever.

I’d be withdrawing and let him go ahead on his own simply because I couldn't trust anyone who dropped this on me. Yes, there was always a possibility of an adult child moving in but it seems like your DP has blindsided you and not discussed this at all especially since the DS has always lived with his mum. I don’t think I’d be continuing the relationship either, as I said I couldn’t trust someone not to do similar going forward.

The two of you might be able to live together right enough but him assuming that you’ll be ok for his son to move in permanently when you set up home together is another matter.

OH is well out of order by dropping this on you. If you do go ahead make sure that it is perfectly clear to them both that you’re NOT going to be housekeeper for them and they both pull their weight. Set the boundaries from the start.

I wouldn't buy a house with someone who doesn't include me in all big decisions about it.

This is your warning sign. Your DP doesn't treat you as an equal. Do with that information what you wish but you havs been warned. I wouldn't ignore it.

Having another adult person living in the house full time will massively change the dynamics of your relationship.
There will be the financial cost - what will dss contribute?
How will chores be divided?
I think before moving forward on this purchase you need to sit down with your dp and dss and decide these things and set out the ground rules.
If expectations are managed from the start then it could work as long as everyone is on the same page, but your dp dropping that bombshell last minute is not a good sign. Communication and trust are key.

Yes, in an ideal world this would have been discussed prior to finding a house to buy etc. but the son only just told OPs partner that he wants to live with his dad full-time. He'd be a pretty rubbish dad if he refused.

If his son was a child, yes you would be being unreasonable. This is an adult son. I’d be pulling out if my own home sale hadn’t fully completed

But being told that another person is living with you is again very different to a discussion.

As DDs mum I absolutely would say yes if she wanted to move in with me at any point in her life. But does that mean I just expect someone else to also accept it without checking with them first?

Agree with PP. It’s not the son moving in per se. It’s your partner telling you what’s going to happen without agreement or discussion. If you do go along with this, make sure you have a strong set of ground rules:

He pays rent
You’re not his mother - he (and your DP) do their own laundry
You take turns at cooking

And whatever else you want to include.

My DP and I each have one young adult DC, both studying. Mine had always lived with me, his had done the overnight stays with DP but lived with her DM.

We moved in together a couple of years ago and discussed the situation thoroughly. It was very important to us that as young adults in education they would both have space in our house- a bedroom each. Either of them are welcome anytime and they do stay for periods. We also talked about similar rules for them and also what contribution would be expected should they choose to live with us post education.

I think the difference between this and your situation is that we are each in very similar positions and so understand how important it is to support our respective DC. We also talked it through. Your DP hasn't done this and has made a unilateral decision. I would be questioning why he thought this was ok? I think you need a very in-depth discussion before you exchange. Crisis talks depth. Whilst I agree with PP that for me I couldn't be with someone that wouldn't accommodate my DC (sod all the magical ability to fend for themselves on their 18th birthday, maybe in 1996). However I would be and was clear about that.

You also need to do some soul searching. Are you happy with the situation. It's ok not to be. Its ok to wonder what else will be decided without your input. Be wary of being presented with 'done deals'.

At least your dp didn’t know for weeks! But this is not cool- you should say to him you’re seriously considering pulling out before exchange if he thinks these are just decisions he can make and casually drop on you, where was the sit down and talk it through? This isn’t what you agreed.

It would change my view of him completely and I'd want to pull out of the whole deal. Surely he can see that having his DS there changes the whole prospect? Will DS contribute financially? Will he be sitting with you in the evenings? Sharing meals? Helping with cleaning, gardening, maintenance? Coming in late at night? The fact that your partner just presented it as a fait accompli is a big red flag.

Don’t exchange on that property. You and your DP hadn’t discussed and have (understandably) different ideas about this and probably other important things, and his actions on this are cause for concern!

@Snoken noones asking him to refuse. He's a fairly shit partner because he dropped it into dinner conversation last night without asking her if it's what she wanted. He made a decision for her. At this point she can walk away if it's not what she wants. After they've bought the house that will be far more expensive. Literally no one is saying he shouldn't have agreed to live with his son. The issue is he unilaterally made the decision for op.

Do you have children OP?

Dont do it!
my own stay at home teen is a real problem, lazy, argumentative and rude, expects everything for nothing.
I cant wait for the day they leave.

Say no. Your decision needs to be respected.
Stay in your own home. His son can live with him.
Please don’t feel pressured into doing something you’re uncomfortable with.

Oh, this would be a hard no for me. Living with another adult in your home can be complicated. It's even complicated for their parents. Why does he want to move in with his dad all of a sudden? Any problems at his mum's?

I would not go ahead @maximusss . You risk regretting it and your dp is taking the piss not asking you first.

There is miles and miles of ground between refusing his son and the way he’s done this. He should have sat down, told the op about it and that he thinks he has to say yes as it’s his son but he is keen to discuss expectations of this boy, what the op feels she would need in her own home, and he knows it’s not what the op was signing up to buy so understands it may not be something she’s willing to buy into.

He's a pretty rubbish partner for agreeing without discussing it with OP. The son is 19, he doesn't get to just "tell" his parents which of their houses he wants to live it.

"Hey DP, can we just have a quick chat about xxx moving in, just want to make it clear im really pleased you'll get to spend more time together! Just wanted to point out, do you realise that you haven't actually told me this is happening, im just wondering if you think you mentioned it to me, because just to clarify- you haven't, and I was a bit surprised yesterday to learn he would be living here full time rather than the usual arrangement!"
(Go in with the 'im sure you just made a mistake' approach)

The ONLY APPROPRIATE RESPONSE TO THIS from him is 'bugger, I thought id told you, god thats really not on, is that okay??'

Any
'Well he's my son so of course its okay' defensive stance from him is a red flag. Its not about his son moving in, its about him not talking to you about it and just doing it on the basis you cant say no.

But you also yes need to have a chat about 'what are the plans for rent/washing/fridge space, and whats his plan from now, uni etc?'

Yes a DC of the same age who is at university.

It’s a no from me. Firstly it’s a discussion not FYI he’s moving in. Secondly why do you have to live with another adult? I would be annoyed about this. How long is it for? How much rent / bills is he paying? Housework / cooking expectations? Can the son then move his girlfriend / boyfriend in further down the line?!

Random side point but when l bought a property then the mortgage company wanted to know which other adults live there. Was the son included on that documentation?

Where is this DC to live in holidays/after uni? Has that been discussed?