DP’s son moving in

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I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

He doesn't get to announce he's moving in to your home, he has to ASK and then a discussion, a decision & then if it's a yes rules set in place. Like how much board he will pay, do his own washing etc.

When you say ‘we’re’, does this mean you’re purchasing/ paying for, this new home together? Have your solicitors drawn up legal documents for you both?

I wouldn't be happy with this, especially it not having come up before. What is the reason he wants to move out of his current living arrangements? It will completely change the dynamic of the house, so you have every right to feel upset about it. He also has a responsibility towards his son of course, but he can't just announce something that has never been discussed.
You can either try to make it work, agree it for a certain amount of time, or stay living separately and put buying a house together on hold.

They’re in they’re first year, doesn’t usually come back for long during the holidays and when they do they go between me and their Dad. This summer they’re going abroad for the whole period.

Would you also feel unable to say no to cooking, cleaning etc for his DS?

The issue for me would be that there has been no discussion about this. I would understand if after discussion you experienced some disappointment that it was not going to be just the two of you most the time. I would have to say something. No doubt you will be made to.look like the baddie

Yes to both questions!

Yeah- this does change it a bit because there is a possibility that your DC will also end up living back with you FT after Uni. So hard to say your DP's son cant live with you when he is implicitly agreeing to living with your DC.

Just no. I’d pull out of the house purchase AND the relationship. The son is 19. He is old enough to have a place of his own.

I believe wants to live with DP as his mum moans at him a lot!

I wouldn’t be happy with the lack of discussion but I’d also expect to offer a home to either his DC or my own in DC in your situation.

Where does your child live? They need a home base even when at uni?

I don’t think it is wrong that DSS lives with you, he is his father’s son. We moan on here about how little men support their DC’s and here he is doing just that.

However, it is the way this has been done. He must have known that your adult child needs a home and has accepted that. You need to be given the information to consider his DC moving in.

And you're his DP, the one that will be moving in with him, he should have at least had a discussion before hand that it wouldn't only be the two of you, yet here he is telling you giving you no choice.

I'd also want to know why his mum moans, is it just because she's that type to moan or the DS expects her to run around after him.

It does not matter how nice said son is moving him in without consultation is dick move. It changes the dynamics of the household completely and no doubt it would be you who is expected to adapt to the new living arrangements. Are you expected to do his laundry, cook, ferry him about, provide financial assistance???

Pull out of the house sale.

Your relationship will be over anyway as there is likely a reason this 19 year old man’s mother “moans” at him.

No!

This is piss taking behaviour.

Yes I completely get that in 2 years time they may come back (although I’d be surprised as they love not living at home!). For me it’s more the lack of discussion on something so big than his son actually being there.

This is drastic but sensible advice. Red flag alert.

Definitely should have been discussed with you and not presented as done deal. It will affect your life - a 19 year old full time will have friends around, there will be more cleaning, shopping and finances are impacted.

Ignore this and you will have years of heartache. It's nothing to do with his son, it's your partner's attitude.

Oh, then you are in more or less the same situation as me. Have you really bothered not discussed how all these different scenarios might work? Where will your DC go in the Uni holidays?

You have time to turn this around, but you need to TALK. You have both left this too late and neither should be springing anything on the other. Have you talked about what happens when your DC finishes uni? If not, it would be just as unreasonable of you to assume DP would be ok with them moving back home.

Son is an adult. It would be unreasonable if it were a child. Is the son living with him currently? In any case, definitely needs a discussion. This is one of the main reasons I wouldn't want to live with my partner at this stage in my life - lack of control over who is in your space (beyond your partner, I mean).

Of course it should have been a discussion.

So this is going to be you moaning at him now. And you are paying for this house!! The bloody cheek of your dp! Don't buy it!!

I more meant have you discussed the possibility that they might be with you more permanently in the future? Or is there an assumption that if they need to live with you (location/permanent residence when starting work, for example) that they'll be able to?

If you've discussed this with him and he's just deciding for you, that's one thing. But if you're also assuming that your adult child can live with you if necessary without having discussed that, it's different.

Them loving not living at home does t mean that after uni they'll be able to afford their own place.

Dropped it into the conversation over dinner.

I mean .

Drop it into the conversation that you’re pulling out of the house move, that’s probably the best way to deal with it.

Even if you think it is okay for him to move in, please do have a discussion on boundaries/finances/who does what for respective DC etc. Otherwise it is just huge resentment in the making.