Small town problems!

[Givenup2026]

as I don’t have that many friends, I’m trying out myself out there. There’s a FB group where people post and organise meet-ups. Somebody posted about meeting this Saturday, and I was one of the first ones to reply.

For better or for worse, my friend (who I’m trying to extend / separate) my non existent friend group also replied. So then I had to separately message the organiser telling her I really wanted to go but won’t go anymore to avoid any awkwardness. I also explained there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her and she’s lovely but I just want a completely separate friend group.

i talked to my DH and 15yo and they both agreed it would had been awkward to attend, but that considering we’re in a smallish town, it will
keep happening. So I could try and have an open and frank conversation with her, but that it would invariably misconstrued.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed? They also seemed like a proper party crowd (the organiser even told me she is) and that’s something that I’m looking for.

of course I could go and semi ignore her but I think it would be worse!

Why can't you both go?

What do you mean you’re looking for a “proper party crowd” here that would be subtext for drugs and alcohol!
the party organisers will either be “emm ok” or. “Phew that’s an escape” at the message from an adult re not wanting a woman they know to come to the group!

We could, but I don’t want to talk to her, plus I want to attend as a different “persona” if that makes any sense.

You can't control who attends a meet up organised on FB and now you've made yourself look weird by messaging the organiser about why you are no longer going. I'm not sure why it would be awkward to attend, is there tension between you and the "friend" you're trying to avoid or are you just annoyed you can't exclude her?

So simply you just don't like this other girl right?

Deffo alcohol in this case. I doubt it would be drugs but you never know.

it could certainly be a 365 party girl like the Charli XCX song (that was the whole joke I had with my daughter).

You can't control other people's behaviour, only your own.

It’s hard to perform multiple personas in a small town. I grew up in a small town but now live in a medium sized city - everybody knows someone in common. Three degrees of separation at best. I’d look at integrating your personality traits a bit more, are you trying too hard to fit in different environments? It’s OK to act appropriately e.g. at school gate but you don’t have to present as a Stepford wife.
(Sorry if this sounds unhelpful- it’s not meant to be, I’m rushing. I’d have gone to the group event anyway).

I agree with @FOJN. You should have just gone. Or just messaged the woman and said something had come up and you can’t come anymore.

You can hide your posts on Facebook so you can remain friends but they can’t see your posts.

No, it’s not necessarily that I don’t like her, but for the most part she’s now boxed in the “sensible / double dates” box,

I do like going a bit wild (as wild as you can as not a lot happens here!) but she does t really drink, so it’s a completely different vibe.

i like to dress up, etc… as I don’t have a chance due to what I do being stuck at home all the time, and she doesn’t, so it’s always a bit of a mismatch.

Why would you attend with a ‘different persona’? Who are pretending to be?
You don’t need to ignore her, you just explain you are hoping to extend your friendship group and want to mix.

it’s a small town, you are bound to bump into people who you already know.

If your quieter friend also replied to the Facebook group, doesn't that suggest she also wants to attend the event, so is happy for it to be a bit wild? I'm confused why she'd reply too if she wasn't that type of person

I see. I would say you best bet would be to maybe invite her along the first time, if it's not her scene she will probably stop going after the first get together. Do you think she is one of those types that would try and cling to you the whole time rather than go off and mingle?
I can understand its awkward.

I think you should go, make sure she knows that you are looking forward to mingling and meeting new people to extend your group. Then do it- if she's joining in, she might be looking for the same, she might surprise you with being outside of a couple too! But if she doesn't, the chances of her keeping up with a party group if she's not a drinker are slim anyway, and you've missed your chance to be part of the group if you don't go.

You’ve nailed it!

I do have like two personas….

the one at the school gate (which is fairly in and out in sweats as I’m always rushing!)

the much more glamorous one (so I can finally wear all of my designer stuff!)

and the party animal type. When I travel for work, I’ve found kindred spirits in that sense, but haven’t here locally.

and the uber corporate ladder climbing lady.

I’ve found that for “fun” stuff I tend to get along better with people around 10 years younger.

It’s strange you say you have a 15 year old, but yet you’re acting like a teenager yourself. Just go and ignore/be civil but not over friendly to whoever you don’t want to speak to? And why do you want to be a different persona? This is all so weird.

No, she just attends everything under the sun even if it’s not her scene. She does it all the time.

she’s not a tree hugger (and very traditional ) and went to basically a pagan ritual. She then talked about how crazy everybody who attended were.

but she always always gos to book clubs, film screenings, etc… even if it’s not a core interest.

I think it’s pretty normal to behave in different ways either different people I believe it’s called “flexing”.

It's a bit odd, this person is school mum or similar? The only people I would care that much about is those I worked with in a professional capacity perhaps.

You do sound but bit like a mean girl messaging the organiser like that, it wasn't necessary.

She sounds either incredibly lonely or possibly has a miserable home life she regularly needs to escape from>

This ^

Go anyway and have fun, she can do whatever she wants in the future!

The group might end up doing much more stuff and your friend stops attending, then you'll have missed out! I'd go anyway

It all sounds thoroughly exhausting.

I don’t think she is…. And her husband in a nice guy. I think she just likes meeting as much people as she can.

I’m the opposite, I’m very selective (to the point that I virtually have no IRL friends) but it’s by choice, so I’m ok with it.

Gauche to message the organisers to say you can’t attend because you know someone.

Or a blatant attempt for them to exclude her.

You live in a small town and yet are surprised that you know people attending the same event.