Small town problems!

[Givenup2026]

as I don’t have that many friends, I’m trying out myself out there. There’s a FB group where people post and organise meet-ups. Somebody posted about meeting this Saturday, and I was one of the first ones to reply.

For better or for worse, my friend (who I’m trying to extend / separate) my non existent friend group also replied. So then I had to separately message the organiser telling her I really wanted to go but won’t go anymore to avoid any awkwardness. I also explained there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her and she’s lovely but I just want a completely separate friend group.

i talked to my DH and 15yo and they both agreed it would had been awkward to attend, but that considering we’re in a smallish town, it will
keep happening. So I could try and have an open and frank conversation with her, but that it would invariably misconstrued.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed? They also seemed like a proper party crowd (the organiser even told me she is) and that’s something that I’m looking for.

of course I could go and semi ignore her but I think it would be worse!

I must be thick because I cannot make head nor tale of what you are trying to say!

Sorry I keep adding bits, but also, there might well be people who go to the event who are just like your friend. You can't control other people or who you might run into, especially in a small town. So definitely go anyway! Now all that's happened is that your friend is going and you aren't. Definitely just go and have fun

Yabu, making friends can be hard but youve just made it harder by messaging the organiser and making it weird - why does she care about your issue/non issue with the other person?! Youve put a 'drama' flag against yourself imo.

I also dont understand going as a different persona - to form lasting friendships you need to show up as yourself, so what if your friend sees you letting your hair down - i have sensible friends i dont judge them nor they me.

I think youre over complicating it - join the groups, get out and have a good time. You dont have to ignore your friend, but let her know youre going to drink, dance and talk to as many new people as you can so she knows what to expect. And in future just tell the organiser yiu can no longer attend, no one wants the backstory of someone elses friendship dramas unless they are 14 😬

I’d go and focus on chatting to the people I didn’t know, if new friends was my goal. There’s no guarantee that new friends you make won’t be friends with your existing ones, particularly in a small town anyway!

So why not go, and go wild with the new friends regardless? She'll likely find people in the group more akin to her level of fun, or she'll simply decide it's not for her and not come again.

If she kicks off at you for joining in with what the group was doing, you can gently point out that this is what the group was for and you were simply enjoying yourself.

Or, maybe she also wants to try out a "different persona" and that's why she wants to go? Just because you've boxed her as "sensible" doesn't mean that's what she sees herself as.

Is this some creative writing assignment? Because it doesn’t sound real nor does the OP’s written English come across as an uber corporate lady. Maybe she’s writing in one of her other personas.

Erm, this is rather odd. Just be yourself. You don’t need to compartmentalise your persona.

Of course you’re different at work, everyone is a more professional version of themselves at work or a quieter version at the school gates. But socially just be you.

Is it a swingers club?

Is it simply that she wants to go to an open event in town and let her hair down, but knows someone else who’ll be there, who she thinks will either cramp her style or be judgemental?

She thinks her options are not to go after all, go and semi ignore the other woman, or speak to the other woman in advance and try to persuade her not to go. At least that’s how I interpreted it.

She’s definitely the sensible type (and conservative). We once watched the Eurovision together and all that she could talk about is how disgusting was Conchita Wurst is.

i also remember once we were talking about our kids doing drugs and we were quite honest about it, she was horrified. We also joked if our kids had found a good dealer they should let us know. Her face was priceless!

my husband and I are definitely grown up teens (at times), that’s why we’re both a good match.

Well then, you’ll soon find out this new group aren’t your cup of tea and you will move on so your friend will be able to attend the meet ups without you. End of problem.

Small town, tiny minds.

Not sure what you and your husband being grown up teens and a good match has to do with it? Aside from maybe that's why you're making this a much bigger deal than it is, because that's fairly teenage behaviour?

Go, be yourself, chat to her for a few minutes then go drink/dance/take drugs/behave like a teenager or whatever it is you want to do and let her also meet some new people.

Either it'll be too much for her and she won't go again or she'll find some new friends. Or you'll decide they don't meet your standards and she'll have new friends and you won't. Or is that the worry?

Does your corporate employer know you do drugs?

Your intentions are not good for starters, it one thing joining a walking group and another joining for the alcohol social side which nearly always leads to troubles within groups, you’ve already stuck your nose out by spreading your business? The organisers don’t care who you dislike and yet you described her personality etc.

It's going to be a group of people and you have one friend (or soon to be exfriend?) also going. Just go, as you say small town you will be thrown together all the time, you can still talk to other people and build other friendships, you don't have to be joined at the hip with this friend/not friend. Very confusing relationship with this friend.

I don’t understand the ‘persona’ thing either. Surely a person does different things in different contexts, but are still themselves? So you don’t start dancing and necking the vodka at work or at the school gate, but you might in a club or at a party. You are still you, enjoying and doing different things.

I understand different friend groups in different contexts, no one thinks that is weird, surely. If this other person is ‘crossing lanes’ why should that make you uncomfortable? They might love it, they might hate it and not come again.

I have several circles of friends because whilst I have some conventional stuff I enjoy, I have some much more out there stuff which my straighter friends wouldn’t go near. I don’t feel I’m a different person in the different contexts, nor do I keep anything secret.

This isn’t criticism, by the way. I’m just fascinated by the mindset!

Wanting a completely separate friend circle and appearing appear in a different persona is exactly why people move to a city

Or are you just concerned your 'friend' will see you doing things she won't approve of, and do what? If so the friendship isn't a very real friendship.

No, it’s the kind of thing teenagers do when they’re trying on identities. Usually by the time someone is old enough to have a ten year old, they’ve figured out how to blend their various masks, or recognised that wearing designer clothes doesn’t mean you’re someone else.

Bluntly, OP, focus on yourself. You can’t dictate whether or not your friend attends this meet-up, just as you can’t dictate whether the other participants are going to be cool party types in designer clothes, or middle-aged alcoholics looking for drinking company.

Or just pretty ordinary people meeting up for a bit of a fun evening.

Who said I currently do drugs? I haven’t in a loooong time

You can’t tell someone not to go to an event organised by someone else. Grossly self absorbed behaviour.

Its absolutely none of your business.

Again, that perennial Mn mystery — why have friends you don’t like? I often
feel like some kind of radical on here, purely because I like all my friends. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t befriend them.

OP, it isn’t necessary to completely reinvent yourself for each friendship context. Sure, different friendships bring out different parts of us, but I have, for instance, a younger friend who spent Christmas Day doing magic mushrooms with her parents and siblings, and a friend who used to be a nun in an enclosed order.

I don’t morph from being a hallucinogenic-fuelled hippy to being an observant Catholic as I move between them. And I’ve introduced them to one another by having them both round to dinner and they got on really well!

This. You sound terribly immature, wouldn’t a vague ‘I can no longer make it unfortunately’ have been so much better. Just seems like you’re trying to get people on side or thinking badly of your (ex) friend. Mean girls shit in a small town, that’ll soon get around 🙃