Small town problems!

[Givenup2026]

as I don’t have that many friends, I’m trying out myself out there. There’s a FB group where people post and organise meet-ups. Somebody posted about meeting this Saturday, and I was one of the first ones to reply.

For better or for worse, my friend (who I’m trying to extend / separate) my non existent friend group also replied. So then I had to separately message the organiser telling her I really wanted to go but won’t go anymore to avoid any awkwardness. I also explained there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her and she’s lovely but I just want a completely separate friend group.

i talked to my DH and 15yo and they both agreed it would had been awkward to attend, but that considering we’re in a smallish town, it will
keep happening. So I could try and have an open and frank conversation with her, but that it would invariably misconstrued.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed? They also seemed like a proper party crowd (the organiser even told me she is) and that’s something that I’m looking for.

of course I could go and semi ignore her but I think it would be worse!

Honestly the problem is you and not the small town. You are coming across as very immature teen.

I'm in a very parochial suburb of a big city rather than a small town, but I can say with some confidence it's not the small town - it's you.

I often wait at the school gate with someone very much like you. She has few real life friends because most people find her pathetic and sad. As a pp pointed out, the real killer here is that you reek of inauthenticity, and most people in their 30s will have worked this out about you.

I don’t think flexing means having different personas, I think it means having the capacity to dial different aspects of your character up and down.

Your approach to it is quite clumsy I think, which is why you’re struggling. You’re not a spy who needs to keep different personas separate. You just want to let loose a bit occasionally. Literally no one will care about that

You are excruciatingly fond of yourself

No I don’t go out with work mates because for the most part they’re all abroad!

I work remotely, I have been doing so (part from a brief period) for more than 14 years thus the lack of “natural” friends.

Two I did meet naturally, one at a bat mitzvah and another one as she the wife of my ex boss, but we had babies at the same time and they go to the same school.

Wow you come off worse and more embarrassing with every post. 🫨

I don’t know how being in PJs and a parka reek of unauthenticity but ok!

In a small town everyone knows everyone else.

you cannot get away with doing the whole different personas thing in a small town. If you want to do that you need to move to a city.

i moved to a small town two years ago. To try to make friends I went to bloody everything I could find. It is very likely that whatever you go to there will be at least one person who knows you.

you are not going to be able to find a completely separate friend group in a small town. Either accept there will be overlaps or move to a city.

and yes, if you have told the organiser you are pulling out because X is going they absolutely will be telling X at the first opportunity and asking them what the story is.

If it's a small town everyone will know your business in about 2 seconds flat. I'm from a small town and truthfully my neighbours knew who I was going out with when I was on my first date. You can't keep secrets, you can't have different personas, whatever you mean by that, and they will probably think you are a bit mad. And you will keep bumping into people, even if you don't want to see them. Better get used to it.

It reeks of ‘I’m mad, me!’ - nobody cares

You certainly can't go now. The organiser thinks you are an immature diva for saying you aren't going just because your dull friend is. How embarrassing.

I'm cringing for you thinking you are so fun crashing a uni party.

I'm sure it's just me, as PPs seem to have got it and responded, but I don't understand what you're on about. How do you 'extend/separate' a friend? What is an 'almost non-existent' friend? Why do you say you have, like, two personas and proceed to list four? Who did you 'explain' to in your OP?

OP, just trying being honest and authentic about who you are - all the different sides of yourself. That way you will meet people who actually like you and/or share interests with you.

It sounds like you are trying to control people's perceptions of you so that you can fit in with each different group you're part of. You want the school mums to think you're just like them. You want the partygoers to think you're as careless and wild as they are. You find it 'awkward' when a friend from one group encounters you in a different context because you haven't been honest about who you are. I'm pretty sure anyone over the age of 13 has no objection to their friends having other friends - it sounds like you are the one who likes to keep everything categorised and separate.

I think you sound either very insecure or very narcissistic. Messaging the group about your friend was kind of shitty behaviour to be honest. I expect a lot of people keep you at arm's length because they can sense you are not really who you are pretending to be.

That isnt what flexing means.

I'm not a medic but it sounds to me that you're suffering from social anxiety. I think you should try to dial down all the brain work and hypothesising, which I think is simply anxiety.
You say you don't really have any friends . What you need to do is think what you enjoy doing as an interest and join a group that does that thing , ie walking group, singing , book group etcetera. Forget about yourself and do the activity. Then you can meet like-minded people.
You're obviously not a teenager.
All this stuff you're spurting is pretty confused and meaningless. It just doesn't matter.

At this event it is possible there would be more reserved people as well as party people. Your friend would either enjoy the party side of it even if participating more quietly or not go back. (Or maybe it is tamer than you are expecting and not for you).

You live in small town, there is no way to keep all of this seperate. Let your friend see the other side of you, it isnt the big deal you think it is.

I mean I don’t know who would keep me at an arm’s length since I don’t talk to anyone :/

Its exactly that! You even think of authenticity in terms of the costume you wear to perform the role 'here's me at the school gates in my PJs and parka, being ditzy cutey stereotype of the imperfect mum'.
Wherever you got the idea that the world is a stage, with you in the spotlight playing your role, you really should lose it.
You are wasting so much energy focusing on yourself 'here's me being wild at a student party at 30!!!' 'Here's me being so spontaneous in going out mode that I'm talking to people I've never met before!!!' 'here's me on MN shocking the boring mums by saying me and hubby do coke!!!' etc, you are missing out on the actual experiences themselves.
Turn your attention outwards and focus on what's happening rather than how well you're performing. Life is so much better.

If you’re ’friendless by choice and happy with it’ why are you going to an event to try and expand your social circle? This entire situation stinks of insecurity - if you were actually satisfied with yourself you would have no problem with this ‘friend’ (who you obviously dislike) attending.

As for ‘grown up teens’… 🤢 how tiresome.

If this group likes partying and she doesn't then presumably she won't stick around in it for long.

Yesterday I picked DD up from nursery on a massive baggy t-shirt, leggings and big woolly socks over the top of them, hair on top of my head and no make up.

The day before I picked her up in full office dress, make up, hair done properly etc.

It doesn't matter whether the nursery run friends or the nursery staff see me as "WFH, scruffy mum" or "corporate mum" because they're both me. I don't worry that they'll think differently of me on the days I have to drop and run to get the train down to the London office for the day Vs the days I stroll down in leggings.

It doesn't matter if work friends see me with no make up or in a hoody rather than my jacket.

It doesn't matter if my dog walking friends, who usually see me in wellies with a very mucky puppy see me on a night out.

All of these people are aware that there's more to me than what they see, because that's how humans work.

Just be whoever you are wherever you are, as long as you're behaving appropriately.

You sound crackers, sorry 😁
You want to make friends, already have a friend but you don't want to talk to her if she comes, and you want to attend as "a different persona?"
How about being your true self, instead of putting on an act? You'll find you make friends more easily if you're "you" instead of trying to impress or be someone you're not.
awaits dripfeed of multiple personalities IS really you and I'm discriminating against your inner Sally or something

This is very strange - why does this mean you can't be yourself with other people? Honestly messaging the organiser has made you look like you're a big drama person.

Having different personas is utter nonsense. Just go along, be yourself, talk to her if you want to, or not.
Why are you so over-invested in what she’s doing?

Exactly, talk about hard work.