Small town problems!

[Givenup2026]

as I don’t have that many friends, I’m trying out myself out there. There’s a FB group where people post and organise meet-ups. Somebody posted about meeting this Saturday, and I was one of the first ones to reply.

For better or for worse, my friend (who I’m trying to extend / separate) my non existent friend group also replied. So then I had to separately message the organiser telling her I really wanted to go but won’t go anymore to avoid any awkwardness. I also explained there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her and she’s lovely but I just want a completely separate friend group.

i talked to my DH and 15yo and they both agreed it would had been awkward to attend, but that considering we’re in a smallish town, it will
keep happening. So I could try and have an open and frank conversation with her, but that it would invariably misconstrued.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed? They also seemed like a proper party crowd (the organiser even told me she is) and that’s something that I’m looking for.

of course I could go and semi ignore her but I think it would be worse!

You come across as terribly insecure and self absorbed. I would go if I were you, but dont be surprised if you are not invited back. Inauthenticity is easy to spot

You can both go, just don't tell her you are going and wear something like this...

I'm really struggling with this idea of hurting someone's feelings by finding new friends. It's not a thing unless you're in primary school.

All of my friends have various friends and friends groups. Why would they just be friends with me? Even my closest friend of 30 plus years. We both have different interests and friends we've made along the way.

I think most people read this and think it sounds a bit weird (I did) but then I thought about how I am say at the school gates and whilst I don’t think I’m a completely different person it’s not that weird to want a drunken night out now and again and some people might be surprised to see that side of me. All I can say is, are you sure that she doesn’t also have a wilder side? Otherwise why would she be going? Maybe go and be yourself and get pissed etc and if she’s judgemental about that just say ‘I like to let my hard down now and again.’ You never know she might do the same. If she doesn’t then that’s for her to decide whether she attends the next one.

Exactly. Especially when the friend is clearly also looking to expand her friendship groups by joining the same Meet-up.

Well yeah! I don’t get the angst over this. If you both go then you don’t have to shadow each other surely?! What is OP planning to do - get pissed and strip off or something?!

I don’t live in a small town but honestly have no idea what the issue is - why can’t you both go?

But it doesn't matter you seem to think you matter the most, this "friend" who wants to go to your group thing probably wants to go for them, your deep interest is an aside to them.

I agree with this, you’ve worded it better than I did. OP hasn’t quite realised that most people are different on a night out or even just at home to how they are at work or on the school run. I think she just needs to go and see how it goes. If the other woman tries to insinuate she doesn’t like it or judges her then she wasn’t a friend fo start with.

So why the issue with your ‘clashing’ personas, and it being a problem if Dull Doris sees you letting your hair down and snorting smalltown coke off a smalltown gigolo’s crotch or whatever?

She doesn’t. We’ve been out enough times (I think a couple of times in my party mood) I even went and talked to other people, she stayed with the husbands and she had one drink, maybe two and that’s it.

I remember that night we well up for keep partying with these “randoms” but they ended up going home.

im definitely the type that after a few drinks I do go and talk to random people (if they’re open to).

Still my best night was once when I crashed a uni party and I was mid thirties.

"Small town gigolo" sounds like a 70s spicy film 😂

I’m entirely open to a co-writer!

Are you Patsy Ffs a uni party !

I think you're massively overthinking this. Just go to the meet up. The worst that can happen is that you feel a bit awkward, the best case is that you get on well with the others and find some new friends who are up for wild nights out with you. Once you get to know them you can organise big nights out without your sensible friend if you really want to separate things from her.

10/10 until the uni party. 😂

So she went home and you kept partying? Where’s the problem?

Honestly, you’re just coming across as mean now. Nothing you’ve posted has suggested this woman has done anything wrong. Yet you seem convinced that her mere presence will mean you can’t have fun?

Of course it’s possible to do different things with different people. I don’t tend to mention to school run friends that I’m in to heavy metal and happily spend Saturday nights in a mosh pit. But I also wouldn’t care in the least if they happened to be at the same place! Why on earth would I?

So basically you want to get drunk and party with these people and are worried about being judged by her because she doesn’t know that side of you. Sounds like you might overdo it on the ‘partying’ and don’t want anyone else you know to witness it.

Oh no! My husband would be super pisssed I didn’t shared some lines with him.

It sounds like you think people give a shit

the worlds not going to stop spinning because people see different sides of you🙄 and I’m sure your ex friend can cope with you having other friends

I genuinely don’t otherwise I would be wearing my PJs all day (including the school run!)

Not good.

You’re a grown woman and you’ve handled it like the very nasty bitch on the playground.

it might serve you well to read the definitions of tact, diplomacy and kindness.

There are ways and there are ways!

It just doesn’t really matter though? Just go, don’t arrange to meet her, don’t ignore her but just have fun. If she judges the way you’re dressed or the way you act it doesn’t matter in the long run does it? She can’t really ever become a proper friend if she thinks badly of you for anything. Do you mean that you have an open relationship? It’s not that weird, swinging? Not that weird, certainly wouldn’t stop me being friends with someone if we got along, I would just laugh with them about it all. Same with cocaine and stuff, it’s not for me but I have very sensible and successful family that indulge now and again, who cares really?

So you rsvp and then decide to back out because ex friend is going

you think the organiser cares if you turn up or not and you think she cares about your reasons for not going

if id received that message from you I would be wondering why you thought I needed to know about your little drama

I would have just gone. In a small town, you just have to go to things that interest you regardless of who turns up, otherwise you will never go anywhere.

I myself am a bit of an attender to lots of different things. I'm sociable and enjoy meeting people. I go to all sorts of things when I have the time. Some things I like the vibe of , others I thought I would enjoy but I didn't like the vibe of the attendees. The first or second meets are always a mish mash and then by about the 4th meet only those who like the vibe or have clicked attend. So the lady might just go to one and then not go anymore as it's not her thing. You have missed out because you haven't braved it for a couple of hours when you might find you click with the attendees.

If your ex-friend goes to this meet up, the organiser will almost certainly tell her about your decision not to attend. Did you not anticipate that? Nobody has signed a confidentiality clause and people gossip.

Tbh you seem quite ridiculous and immature. If you don't want to be matey with this person any more, just gradually cease to be available but you can't be laying down the law about her and you not being in the same place at any time. You have said you live in a small town.

I'd be wary of you being so needy. You have a husband and family, people usually get to know others and make friends naturally as time goes on, they are not generally so desperate as to agree to meet ups with complete strangers they've only encountered on social media. Do you not go out to work, have colleagues?

Please grow up, you're setting a very poor example to your child.