Small town problems!

[Givenup2026]

as I don’t have that many friends, I’m trying out myself out there. There’s a FB group where people post and organise meet-ups. Somebody posted about meeting this Saturday, and I was one of the first ones to reply.

For better or for worse, my friend (who I’m trying to extend / separate) my non existent friend group also replied. So then I had to separately message the organiser telling her I really wanted to go but won’t go anymore to avoid any awkwardness. I also explained there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her and she’s lovely but I just want a completely separate friend group.

i talked to my DH and 15yo and they both agreed it would had been awkward to attend, but that considering we’re in a smallish town, it will
keep happening. So I could try and have an open and frank conversation with her, but that it would invariably misconstrued.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed? They also seemed like a proper party crowd (the organiser even told me she is) and that’s something that I’m looking for.

of course I could go and semi ignore her but I think it would be worse!

Yes, exactly! It’s not that the ‘sensible’ friend is going to be disrupting a carefully-curated group of the OP’s favourite type of party people, it will be a random bunch of people.

Do people actually do this? It sounds incredibly self-absorbed.

I don't understand why you messaged the organiser. Your 'friend' obviously wants to broaden her horizons too - how horrible to have someone watching her movements saying oh no boring Doris is coming, I'll scratch.

You want to offload an existing friend because she isn't the sort of 'party person' you aspire to mix with. You want to join a group of 'party people' in an assumed 'persona' of being a party person yourself, and don't want the other friend cramping your style?
I don't think this is going to work. Because if the only way you think these type of people will accept you is through trying to be something you're not and you feel association with someone else will drag you down, I don't think you've the confidence to pull it off.
Why not just join what you fancy, go, and be yourself and be polite to your other friend whilst mixing more widely, and see how you get on?

I think if you try living more authentically, while also appreciating people for who they are, these problems will solve themselves.

This is odd and maybe why you don't sociaise well or have many friends, you also behaved like a teenager edging out a friend from "the group" go don't go but messaging an other adult because you don"t want a "friend" going is weird.

Or the alternative 'persona' could be a fetish/swingers thing and the OP is worried it will be weird if someone she knows is there. Of course it could be both....

I think my different facets are very different (and my almost non existing friends don’t know all of them).

so for example “sensible “ friend (this one in quests), know about my corporate self, the “mum” side, but not the designer nor my religious side.

my bohemian friend, knows about my arty side, my party side, my designer side, my religious side, and my corporate side.

my mum friend knows about my corporate side, my family issues, and ironically about my designer side only because she was curious about why would anybody spend close to £3k on a jute bag.

None of them know about my relationship issues (when I’ve had them) nor my nerdy side (which is extremely nerdy!)

I wanted to join a group with people I had zero history with. So no preconceptions, a nice start from scratch.

And even if that’s what the OP thinks, messaging the organiser to tell her she’s not now coming because boring Doris is is a deeply weird thing to do. Why would a total stranger care about the OP’s existing friendships and identity crises?

OP, why not just move to a city? DS’s second primary was in the city centre and the school run regularly featured parents wearing anything from circus costumes to medical scrubs, and my drinking gang are people I met there, and include a housewife, an artist, an architect, a musician, a guy who does front of house in a restaurant, a guy who does energy retrofitting, and an archivist who wears incredibly beautiful clothes.

I actually said that she was lovely! But that it could seem weird (and awkward) that I’m trying to broaden my horizons without her.

but she knows I’m going, so I guess I’ll just go.

Yes that’s the end goal! I hate living in a small town!

So go.

These friends aren't proper friends if you're worried about them knowing all sides of you. If you're not worried about "sensible" friend knowing different parts of you, it doesn't matter if she's there to see it.

If you are worried about it, then she's not really your friend because you don't trust her.

Either way, do what you want to do and stop worrying about how people perceive you. Just worry about how you feel about yourself.

Just go and talk to other people

or really piss the person off you have by telling her that you don’t like her

So now you're going after all? But you messaged the organiser to stir up some sort of speculation about lovely but boring Doris? Good that you let the organiser know that even though you know Doris you are really a wild child with a designer wardrobe.

This is all absolutely ridiculous for anyone over the age of 13.

Everyone is multi faceted OP. You're not a character on a noughties sitcom.

Actually this,

So why all this kerfuffle including messaging the organiser to tell her you couldn’t now go because Boring Doris was ruining your chance to present your party girl persona to strangers?

And surely if the town is that small, you’re likely to bump into someone else you know at meet-ups? I mean, I live in a city, and I still encounter people I know in unexpected contexts. A friend of mine encountered her driving test assessor at a fetish party!

You'll be fine once you finish high school and start college... it's a great time to reinvent yourself and make new BFFs!
For now.. concentrate on your GCSE's and try to be nice to the other girls at school - even if they are not in the 'party hard gang'!

This. I've been increasingly bewildered by your 'personas' and frantic attempts to keep people you deem boring away from you at events you deem interesting. It's a small town! You will meet the EXACT SAME PEOPLE at the school gate and at the bar. The ones you don't see in both places will be close friends with the ones you do.

I live in a very small town and I fucking hate the fact that everybody knows everyone. I don't even have different personas. The one time I went 'out' out here, I woke up to find I'd become the hot gossip for shagging a married man, whom I had not shagged, just talked to. I loved the relative anonymity of London ... though even that's surprisingly small once you know more than about ten people.

Just be yourself in all the places, you daft ha'porth. Wear what you want to wear in each place. Be prepared for gossip.

I never said she was boring. I just said I wanted to avoid awkwardness (which I think it still would be!)

I don’t think it’s very nice to realise that your friend wants more friends without you. I don’t care, but I think most people would? Not so the about this though.

🤮 sorry op but you come across as having quite a high opinion of yourself as some sort of deep and interesting personality - newsflash - i dont know anyone who doesnt have different sides to their pesonality, its completely normal and not that special! I have friends i go raving with, book club friends who would hate that, hiking friends that i have little in common with besides a love of the outdoors...the difference is i dont try to hide the different aspects from.other people because thats just weird. If a hiking friend shared a passion for drum.n bass then id go to an event with them, if they said they hate dance music - no biggie, we can talk about something else. You sound like hard work tbh

But it’s exactly the same as you’re saying. It’s not hiding, obviously it doesn’t interest them, so they wouldn’t know how deeply I am into that sort of thing.

Maybe the woman you are trying to avoid is also trying to make new friends? Maybe she is ditching you!

And if they found out how deeply you're into something....what would happen?

You have given her a lot of power over what you do.