Small town problems!

[Givenup2026]

as I don’t have that many friends, I’m trying out myself out there. There’s a FB group where people post and organise meet-ups. Somebody posted about meeting this Saturday, and I was one of the first ones to reply.

For better or for worse, my friend (who I’m trying to extend / separate) my non existent friend group also replied. So then I had to separately message the organiser telling her I really wanted to go but won’t go anymore to avoid any awkwardness. I also explained there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her and she’s lovely but I just want a completely separate friend group.

i talked to my DH and 15yo and they both agreed it would had been awkward to attend, but that considering we’re in a smallish town, it will
keep happening. So I could try and have an open and frank conversation with her, but that it would invariably misconstrued.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed? They also seemed like a proper party crowd (the organiser even told me she is) and that’s something that I’m looking for.

of course I could go and semi ignore her but I think it would be worse!

Sorry but not the same at all - i wouldnt not go to an event because another friend was going and i wanted to hide the fact that i want to be wild, nor would i message the event organiser that. If your friends dont accept you as they are or dont want you making new friends...they are not friends!

Everybody is missing that point. I don’t want to go not because she’ll see I’m wild, but because it’s awkward to admit that I wanted to expand my friendship group. Or that was my knee jerk reaction.

I get eyes rolled! All the time!

I have been told I have a morbid mind for my love of nuclear holocaust related media.

Why do you think she would care that you want to meet new people, when you've said she loves meeting new people?

She'll likely be very happy you both want to meet new people!

And?

That’s actually a VERY fair point! Thank you!

For heaven’s sake, OP, hasn’t it occurred to you that other people are also multi- faceted, to the same extent you are? My friend who attends fetish parties is by day a well-regarded senior medic. The ex-nun friend did her fair share of shagging about on the backpacker trail before entering the convent. People are various! Not just you!

I live in a small town too. I have a wide friendship circle abd fairly often these collide. It's really not a problem. You can be friends with other people too , she's obviously going to a meet up group to meet new people as well!

Your response is very odd and tbh and if I was the organiser I would have quietly noted you as "one of those" and probably not gone out of my way for you, especially as you have unintentionally said something negative about another member

But she’s clearly trying to expand hers too!

Of course I know this!

one of the brightest engineers I know was a snowboarder and had a signed rock band!

These 'sides' of yourself are all just part of you and completely normal. We are all a mixture of different interests and thats what makes us rounded and interesting. They shouldn't be 'personas', they should just be you as your consistent self doing different things in different contexts, rather than performing a set role you feel is acceptable to the group you're in.
Trying to play roles of sensible mum with this group or party girl with that is hard work, when what you should be striving for with friendships is just 'being' and being liked and accepted for who you are.
Your friend and you are two individuals and are each joining other groups as such. You and she will either fit in or you won't. If they are so very different from her type, she may well opt out anyway. However, she could surprise you and reveal she is also a muti faceted person and she could fit in better than you.

You come across as someone desperate to be someone you are not. You might have made a bit of a eejit of yourself to the organiser bringing petty drama before you have even attended.

It sounds as though your “friend” is more sociable and authentic than you at trying new things and you are trying to piss on her chips.

You're making a lot of assumptions there. You've put other people into one-dimensional boxes, supposing that the interest they show in one situation is their only interest. Meanwhile you, special multi-faceted you, have many interests which would frighten or confuse them if they only knew. So, instead of being your multi-faceted self, you pretend to be one-dimensional in each given situation.

Not only is this an unworkable strategy in a small town, it's fucking bananas. You're limiting your own potential at every turn, not to mention your quite insulting view of other people's potentials. You sound ... hard work.

Now we know why you have no friends.

OP I’d go and be superficially polite and respectful but otherwise no convo with the one you’re trying to avoid - and just be yourself. It’ll be great - you’ll enjoy it 🙌

No - that doesnt make sense!

God this all sounds exhausting, clearly you both want to make new friends - I can kind of see why 'Doris' does if you're this much of a drama queen all the time. Honestly people aren't that interested in your attempts to be a small town Charlie XCX or whatever persona you're so desperate to be. They just want a drink/dance/laugh on a Friday night.

i think you’re coming across as quite anxious and unsure of other people’s reactions to who you are.
this would likely be an issue in a city too.

Why would it be awkward for her to find out that you want more friends.

You are massively other thinking this. Go to the event. Say hi nicely to the person you know, then circulate round to chat to other people.

In a small town, you can never start from zero. Someone somewhere will know something. It’s the reason I moved away from my hometown.

I find it incredible to think you compartmentalise yourself to such an extent from people you refer to as friends. That’s not how friendship works. If you can;t be your full self with someone, they aren’t a friend.

Actually in general I genuinely don’t give a toss. I only care, because I don’t want to hurt her feelings.

Im actually from one of the biggest cities in the world, so that’s not the issue.

if anything it’s that I don’t interact with people on a daily basis like almost at all.

You have massively over thought this. Why would a friend who is known for looking for new friends all the time be bothered that you're looking for new friends. This makes zero sense.

You've also over thought things again with your message to the organiser. They don't know you. They won't care why you're cancelling, there was no need for that explanation which will have made things awkward for your friend no matter how 'lovely' you've said she is.

Honestly, get out of your own head a bit. It's completely normal to have different 'personas' with different groups of people. Stop overthinking and just do what you want to do.

Fine not to go.

Unutterably rude and dickish to tell the organiser that you're not going because a particular other person is. Are you 13 or are you a grown woman?

F

Probably because you're so busy interacting with your selves, there's no space left for other people 🤔