Small town problems!

[Givenup2026]

as I don’t have that many friends, I’m trying out myself out there. There’s a FB group where people post and organise meet-ups. Somebody posted about meeting this Saturday, and I was one of the first ones to reply.

For better or for worse, my friend (who I’m trying to extend / separate) my non existent friend group also replied. So then I had to separately message the organiser telling her I really wanted to go but won’t go anymore to avoid any awkwardness. I also explained there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her and she’s lovely but I just want a completely separate friend group.

i talked to my DH and 15yo and they both agreed it would had been awkward to attend, but that considering we’re in a smallish town, it will
keep happening. So I could try and have an open and frank conversation with her, but that it would invariably misconstrued.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed? They also seemed like a proper party crowd (the organiser even told me she is) and that’s something that I’m looking for.

of course I could go and semi ignore her but I think it would be worse!

Why are you not addressing how incredibly inappropriate it was to email the organiser about her instead of just saying you couldn't make it. As its a small town you have to be aware she'll likely find out, and on top of that the organisers no doubt will feel they've dodged a massive bullet with you pulling out after that display of teenager-like behaviour on your part.

This.

I think there's some details missing in your post, it makes no sense. I can't fathom what you are asking or what the problem is. Looks like the post we can see starts half way through a second paragraph, mid-sentence?

I gave up all that crap in junior school. You're an adult now. If you're out in the world of work you have to accept that you will work with people you aren't that keen on. The same goes for an organised night out. If you hadn't wanted to go, you should have simply backed out - no need to explain to the organiser you had and issue with your "friend". Why involve the organiser? And you wonder why you have few friends? Get over yourself and get out and have good time.

I have had this exact scenario, and I live in a tiny village ffs. It can all be negotiated with grace- when my, erm, "special friend" and I discovered we were both going to be at the same party, with someone we both knew through our kids but from different circles, we merely got our back stories about how we knew each other straight, both went and had a highly enjoyable time.

At my 50th I had everyone from my teetotal Christian friends to my fellow hedonistic ravers of the 1990s, via eco protesters and members of the Parish Council. Everyone got on like a house on fire, and many new friendships were forged.

If you're living in a small community OP, you have to accept that you can't have hermetically separate social circles, and that there's going to be a great deal of overlap. Oh, and that everyone has many different personas!

I’ve already said it was a knee jerk reaction and definitely OTT

You don't sound very flexing if you weren't prepared to have a group night out as your "friend", whom you'd prefer not to see, was included.

Because of the awkwardness with her, not the people who are attending.

So what's your plan now for when your friend finds out?

FFS what awkwardness?

That we’re expanding our horizons separately.

Ive already reached out to my friend saying I’ll see her there

Why would it be awkward to expand horizons separately

OP, you realise you made an error, and you are fixing it, good for you. You don't sound unable to take feedback; you just misstepped.

I'm uncomfortable about this thread. The OP has a social and communication disorder and everyone is queueing up to kick her for having social and communication problems.

That's kind of the whole point.

OP, if you have made friends at work, you get on with your children's friends (and you know you are not friends with them, just hospitable and friendly), have a nice family, then yes, it is frustrating when you can't seem to expand your social circle, but you clearly can meet people and get on reasonably well with them.

I think going to this event and other similar (MeetUp style things) and seeing who shows up is a good idea. Your 'friend' sounds not very nice anyway, just nod and smile and then chat to other people. I hope you do meet up with other people, as you sound a lot nicer than lots of people on this thread who think they have better social skills yet are really quite mean.

Honestly, you describe her as a terrible, homophobic, boring person, but she sounds to me like someone who enjoys lots of different interests and is open to all kinds of people. You could learn from her.

Although if she does actually hate gay people then I'm not sure why you continue to be friends with her. I assume she doesn't hate gay people but just doesn't agree with you on the nature of homosexuality. But I only assume this because I can't imagine why you'd stay friends with someone who hates your son.

Also, stop hanging around your son's friends and giving them alcohol. It's creepy.

Hey op I’m glad you’re going now I can imagine your friend probably judges you either way so I would go have fun and let your hair down and if she doesn’t like it maybe she won’t go again but if she’s judgy she will comment either way so look at it like this fuck what she thinks or says. Op you just say hey I’m going to have a great time and hopefully meet new people who are a bit like me. Dance like no one is watching enjoy!

I was talking to a friend from work who shares the same culture as her. He’s coincidentally gay and he told me that her views are quite standard.

I did find her comments offensive and tone deaf, but didn’t say anything because I don’t like confrontation. My husband is similar but he also thinks that people like don’t know any better, so have to see it from their POV.

So... you dont kn9w who you are, how you want to have friends, what social life you'd like.

It's OK to feel like that. Explore what makes you happy, go out on a limb to meet new people. But please stop policing what your friend/acquaintance does. It's not your place to be huffy that they want to socialise in a FB open-invite group.

People like her don't know any better? WTF?

And you don't like confrontation so you won't defend your own son? But you'll hang around his friends giving them alcohol and trying to join in the banter.

Cool.

I mean my MIL also makes racist remarks and he makes the same excuses. Mind you, I’m not white so it’s definitely a bit of a WTF situation.

Our son wasn’t there when she made the comments, but apparently she didn’t know he’s gay (when I think it’s quite obvious).

How is it obvious? that seems a bit prejudiced!

He wears heavy makeup (he went through a heavy highlighter phase), has long nails, and is always wearing pride jewellery.

He’s the same aesthetic as the goddessboys (who are on IG).

So your friend makes homophobic remarks about gay people (but not around your gay son so that's ok)
and now to boot your MIL makes racist remarks and you're not white and you're still only a bit WTF?
I mean come on....

Ok , you are full of 💩 lol

I think I’m too Gen X for this thread

I rarely see my MIL ( I’ve literally seen her like 10 times at most) so that’s why I choose not to get super annoyed because it’s not like she’s a constant in my life.

The homophobic remarks , again it’s one of those things that have always left me pondering. I really think my husband should have said something or cut ties or something, but as neither of us have many friends it has become over the years a “better than nothing “.

However, as I’ve got to known her better of the years, it’s become apparent that we’re not really compatible, and we’ve tried to fade it away.

but you’re right, when they made our comments about gay people or when they openly said horrible things about our friend we should have stood up for them but we didn’t.