Friend coming down hard on me for lack of communication

[Uhohhouse]

I have a friend with whom about 90% of our relationship is on WhatsApp as we live in opposite ends kf the country. From time to time I will drop off communication wise and only be able to manage a quick emoji response or one liner, and i think this is because I have a partner and also live with extended family: it means that I am constantly engaging with people non stop whereas she lives alone.
Last week I got a rap on the knuckles for "dropping off the radar" and I apologised for making her feel neglected. The truth was I was having a hit of an extended christmas and there was loads of family visits happening and then me and DP went on a week-long roadtrip.

I ca t help but feel resentful though. On the one hand I DONT want her to feel neglected but on the other hand I dont have this issue with any other friends.

Has anyone had something similar?

It takes seconds to type a few words.

And then if they reply immediately to open up a conversation, that's when you tell them you're busy right now and will get back to them.

I don't understand all these people who say life is 'too busy' and 'too hectic' to type a couple of sentences.

But on the other hand if you see it as over contact and it irritates you, then be honest with yourself.

Shes not looking for replies on eg whether I want to meet up at the weekend.
Shes expecting updates on life and how life is going approx every 3 to 4 days

Time to post on mumsnet. No time to chat to a friend.

Hopefully she'll realise you're not in any way worth the effort.

I don't see why you have to apologise for being busy? I'd tell her that you have a busy life and sometimes hectic and of course you'd love to be able to devote time to each and every friend, but that's not realistic or fair.

I wouldn't appreciate the pressure. I've got enough on, and friends shouldn't add to that

Bit needy of her isnt it?

Are you in whattsapp groups that she is in too, where you reply to group chat but not her directly?

I had a friend that would guilt trip me about not getting in touch, she became such a pain in the ass about it I made it permanent.
Friendship should be easy and enjoyable it’s not a job.

And yet here you are on Mumsnet. If you can’t be bothered to interact, tell her, end the friendship.

It doesn’t take any length of time really to type of few sentences. If you care about her, you know she’s on her own why not be sure to text her. I do it with one of my friends who is having a hard time, it takes hardly any time & I don’t resent it as I care about her.
Maybe you resent it because she’s brought it up & you feel negatively about that which is human. If however you resent having to contact her you’re not really friends anymore I would think.

If you wanted to you would.

Busy with partner 🤢

I was going to say your friend is unreasonable and you don’t owe her anything, and I hate the expectation that we’re always available. However, that’s not really a way to run a friendship.

I agree with the comment above - I’m perplexed by people who reply weeks later and say they’ve been busy. It literally takes 10 seconds to message, even if it’s just “Really busy right now but will reply next week”.

The reality is, they read it and didn’t give enough of a shit to reply.

I think it’s absolutely fine to have different communication needs and friends for different things…with some I’m happy to message every day or so, but with others once a month is enough. And that’s absolutely fine. However I do think it’s unreasonable to claim this is due to busyness. You are just prioritising other things so just own it.

And that's too much for you?

I would probably be a bit more attentive if she was a really good friend who you usually enjoy.? If you don’t particularly enjoy being her friend then it’s time to let it go.

There is a difference between the OP posting on here asking for a space to share and reflect on something that is bothering her and finding the time to update someone else on the mundane day to day happenings of her life.

Yes, she has made the time to start a thread and she makes the time to communicate with her friend but she doesn't have the time to indefinitely update her every few days on what she's done that day, which is probably along the lines of work, housework, parenting, eating and sleeping. I wouldn't much fancy sharing that every few days either.

It's hard to muster the energy for such frequent exchanges of banality. Especially if she's actually busy.

I also wonder why all these very busy people haven't discovered voice notes?

It takes longer to go for a wee than to send one of those.

But what is there to say about life that often?

Yeah, it's OK thanks. Had to clean the filter on the washing machine - so many hair bobbles! And Joe forgot his PE kit - again! How's life with you?

Yeah if you like, just say that 🤷‍♂️

It's about the communication rather than the actual words.

And it takes a couple of minutes every 3 or 4 days.

Fine if the OP doesn't want to, but she should probably own it.

Yeah but then she’d be a person who sends voice notes and who wants to be that?

This.
No one is that entitled to your time and energy except perhaps your kids.

I bet if your partner lived far from you, you would find time to text them.

Was it actually a rap on the knuckles, as in she's accusing you of something and saying it's your problem, or was she just letting you know that she's lonely and would like to hear from you more often, and you're taking that as an accusation/attack?

Dont send voicenotes, whatever you do! Rambling monologues that you then have to sit through at the pace of the sender talking, often away from other ears. Will encourage thw friend to send them back, and expect theyll have been listened too. Tedious beyond words.

OP i feel like you, especially when i have nothing to update and just want some downtime not having to entertain someone. Sadly phones are an imposition on our time and we can no longer escape constant interruptions. I think you do need to explain to your friend that sometimes you are really socially burnt out, especially with all the recent family interactions, and you need some compromise on her side too.

Sorry but I do think it makes a difference.

It means that every single day, not only do I actually live the day, I then obviously interact with him and the extended family I live with. By bedtime, ive already given several people "life updates".

That's obviously different to someone who lives alone.

And if you split up with your partner, I bet you'd be turning to your friend immediately for support.

I don’t think there’s a right or wrong with this. Some people, I think, have almost a need to be in constant contact with their friends and then there are those of us who love our friends dearly but who just don’t have that compulsion to stay connected. All my friends are very low maintenance - I’d be there in a flash if they needed me but I can go many months without texting or speaking to them.