Friend coming down hard on me for lack of communication

[Uhohhouse]

I have a friend with whom about 90% of our relationship is on WhatsApp as we live in opposite ends kf the country. From time to time I will drop off communication wise and only be able to manage a quick emoji response or one liner, and i think this is because I have a partner and also live with extended family: it means that I am constantly engaging with people non stop whereas she lives alone.
Last week I got a rap on the knuckles for "dropping off the radar" and I apologised for making her feel neglected. The truth was I was having a hit of an extended christmas and there was loads of family visits happening and then me and DP went on a week-long roadtrip.

I ca t help but feel resentful though. On the one hand I DONT want her to feel neglected but on the other hand I dont have this issue with any other friends.

Has anyone had something similar?

If you value a friendship you need to work at it...type a sentence or two at night when you are in bed even......costs nothing but might mean the world to your friend

Yeah but a partner is a different kind of relationship than a friend especially if the partner is long term. Most people prioritize partners and there's nothing wrong with that.

So yesterday I sent her an 8 min VM followed immediately by another 4 min VM and then a 5min one

@Uhohhouse are you going to be able to keep that up every 3 days though. All you're doing is setting a precedent that this friend is now going to expect several VNs. Do you really want to be that beholden to her? I couldn't be arsed with that degree of obligation and pressure.

Most long distance relationships don't work for the reason that it's hard to keep up the comms. I think people think if they text enough it will make up for lack of community. Probably ops friend would gain more from moving into an intentional community. I plan to move into one of the ones on the diggers and dreamers web directory as I've found moving away from my long term friends hard and texting can feel like a lot of work with not much sense of connection.

This can turn into bad sleep hygiene. If OP is feeling overwhelmed with the social expectations of life - she is within her right to let her friends know she just not really a phone person - maybe her love language is to be completely present with the people she is spending time face to face with. We're all juggling lots of balls - in my opinion health is a glass ball and friendships should be a rubber ball if your friends truly care about you. Even if I don't hear from a friend for years - I still love and remember them - true connection doesn't require constant electronic communication. I don't know why not being a massive phone communication person is viewed as this borderline abusive thing. People need to be less codependent - you're not going to die if your friend doesn't text you, just be understanding of them and they get back to you when they have the mental bandwidth. Back before the advent of the phone friendships were sustained on probably a few letters a year. A better priority than texting all the time would be to be there for people we see day to day or week to week, in my opinion.

This is not a friendship.
Your friend says jump and you say how high and try to achieve her request.
Friendships are easy and not measured in the length of VMs.
The friendship is in its autumn days, let it go. What are you holding on to.it for?

This sounds a bit like my text situation I described upthread! The main difference is though that on the rare occasions where said friend and I do manage to talk on the phone, she does actually go beyond small talk.

It’s weird because it really feels like old times when we do talk but once that call has ended - I won’t hear from her for 6 months + and there’s just never any discussion of meeting up in person.

Slowly beginning to accept while she’s happy to chat if I pin her down for a call - she’s not sufficiently interested to be the one who sets up the call . So I will leave her be with no hard feelings as I’m not into forcing contact.

I don’t blame you for not responding in the end - it can be exhausting when it’s clear the friendship is very one-sided and they’re not that interested.

@Uhohhouse I don’t see why you can’t sit her down and have a chat about how you feel? It’s not sustainable if she’s frequently feeling ignored and you’re feeling overwhelmed. You will both end up feeling resentful.

If you used to text daily I can see how she still expects it, but you need to outline to her life’s changed and you don’t have capacity for that anymore and perhaps suggest an alternative - a weekly phone catch up for example.

Does she like Voice notes? Assuming she does.

I used to like them but one friend over used them and I’d get a string of VNs like that and feel overwhelmed listening to 15-30 minutes worth of voice notes

I’d rather just have a 20 minute phone chat where we both get to speak. I feel VNs can turn into one or two people just monologuing and talking at each other rather than having a proper conversation.

I think that you need to make it clear to your friend that you have a very busy life and, as a result, don't often have sufficient time to respond / connect with them more often / more fully, despite your best intentions. Being open and honest with someone is often the best way to manage their expectations.

OP, I think you are being a bit mean to your friend. You don't sound like you like doing this stuff with her and I'd drop back to what you do enjoy. So if that's a phone call every couple of weeks, do that.

I've found if you scale back to what feels ok to you and then build up if you have more capacity then it works better (done this with family).

If you now send a flurry of VN, but deep down you aren't fine with her (and you don't speak about her with much affection tbh) then it's just putting off the inevitable.

I'd honestly think- do I want this friendship to continue (I'm guessing yes but unsure) and what can I give and then do that.

Resenting someone, blaming someone, pressure to be something that doesn't feel natural- these won't benefit you and they won't benefit her in the long run.

I'd be very calm, know yourself and then do that. She will either be able to cope or not. Faking it a little longer isn't a strategy IMO (it's one that fixes the now, but not the underlying problem).

Maybe in your life.
A LOT of other people have very good low-maintenance friendships because that is what they and their friends prefer. They meet up with each friend a few times a year, spend several hours talking and catching up 1-2-1, and having a good time, then don't contact each other again except to arrange the next meet-up, and it works for them. Don't be so narrow minded. Your way is not the only way.