Friend coming down hard on me for lack of communication

[Uhohhouse]

I have a friend with whom about 90% of our relationship is on WhatsApp as we live in opposite ends kf the country. From time to time I will drop off communication wise and only be able to manage a quick emoji response or one liner, and i think this is because I have a partner and also live with extended family: it means that I am constantly engaging with people non stop whereas she lives alone.
Last week I got a rap on the knuckles for "dropping off the radar" and I apologised for making her feel neglected. The truth was I was having a hit of an extended christmas and there was loads of family visits happening and then me and DP went on a week-long roadtrip.

I ca t help but feel resentful though. On the one hand I DONT want her to feel neglected but on the other hand I dont have this issue with any other friends.

Has anyone had something similar?

Whoops, i should have read the massive drip feed before posting! 🤣

YABU.

My BFF lives the opposite end of the country, we speak EVERY DAY, several times a day. a good morning check in, a meme here and there, a photo of stuff, pets, kids, screenshots of conversations we've had, jokes, moans, and most evenings an extended chat. We're both parents, with disabled kids, both busy, but we both make the time to make each other feel loved, and valued.

Quite simply, you're making excuses, you clearly don't value the friendship the same.

If you wanted to, you'd make the time.

Stop kidding yourself that you're too busy, you're not, you just can't be arsed.

I couldn't even be bothered with such nonsense!
Why do you put up with it?

Ah, now this makes more sense!

It's the lengthly back and forth's that makes all the difference. Your OP made it sound like you just didn't want to share little messages.

If I were you, I would reply to the brief messages with equally brief responses. It is crap to ask someone how they're doing and be ignored. Also, it reads as if you've been there for her and she is trying, in return, to take an interest in your life. But if she wants a long back and forth, you can explain you are too busy for that at that moment.

That's incredibly OTT!

Can't you just reply 'not ignoring you I'm busy (doing whatever you're doing that's keeping you busy) but will message you properly at the weekend / let's schedule a video call on x date to catch up properly.

I'd not mention the 'I have a partner and live with family' reason though, plenty of people in that situation manage to message their friends and sounds a bit like you think she is just messaging you because she has nothing better to do

I'd do just exactly what worked for me. If she's not satisfied with what you have to offer, that's her problem. I'd find an expectation of that level of contact suffocating in anyone but my husband. Sorry if it offends or annoys some people, but yes, my husband is more important to me than any friend, and of course I will prioritise time with him. Honestly, sometimes you just need a break from people and not to be expected to take the time and energy for in-depth communication. Some people are simply too demanding of their friends.

Fuck that shit op.

I think its the shift in depth that's done it.
She was used to us having lengthy in depth back amd forth convos then life got busier snd my messages got breezier. I still tried to stay in contact though but obviously I wasn't in the right headspace to be doing 5 minute VMs about my feelings!!!

Having seen your update, I change my mind! That's an insane level of communication given she knows you were on a trip. I'd just gradually cut back a bit or send 'lets catch up properly at this time' messages

I don’t know why people are giving you a hard time OP and that’s before your latest update. I don’t think it’s realistic to maintain the same level of closeness with a friend when you’re at a distance and sometimes both sides need to accept that. The fact is it does become an additional task to do in your day. I don’t think it calls for any dramatic severing of ties either like some have suggested!

Her expectations are her problem. The people who have no tolerance for friends that say they are too busy are entitled to pull away from a friendship that doesn’t work for them but they aren’t owed anything from that person. Some friendships only work with matching attitudes to communications or at least tolerance that others are different.

As a parent, with a full time job and a big house (yes, tiny violin but it needs cleaning) , I have about 200 2 minute jobs a day. And who wants to make a chore for their friend?

The poster you're responding to is a woman.

People who like to keep their friends in the doghouse all the time about not being attentive enough tend to drive people away.

I quickly divest myself of people who are needy and chastising like this.

If you can’t hang on a few days for a reply to your chatty message without feeling so ‘neglected’ you want to start an argument about it, you need help with emotional regulation.

This response means you can ignore all the ‘it takes 2 minutes’ posters. It doesn’t.

This.

If you feel constantly on the hook to update her / make sure she's not lonely etc - that doesn't strike me as hugely healthy. I'd suggest she needs more going on in her life.

Same.
It was fucking exhausting.
Plus the single ? If I didn’t respond in a timely fashion
Fuck that shit

I had one of these , if I wasn't available on messenger she'd go to WhatsApp then snap maps to see where I was . If I didn't answer a phone call she'd continue to ring instead of leaving a message I saw her plenty face to face aswell. I had to turn off read receipts because if I didn't have time to reply or there really wasn't anything to reply too I'd get a barage of nasty messages. She wanted to know my every move . I started to feel weird about it, hid things I was doing because it wasn't worth the inquisition.

Maybe they are lonely. It's fine that you live with a lot of other people and our understandably peopled out, but obviously they are not. It's fine if you haven't got capacity for that but a bit of understanding that they have a very different set up to you might be a good thing.

What in earth? Posting for discussion on mumsnet isn’t the issue.

That’s too much. Send a reply saying you will catch up at the weekend/next week/when relatives gone then leave it until you have time.

I think what happens is some friends always require more. You cannot just type a small update. It's always got to be a dense conversation with more questions. The friends I have, I can talk to for hours at a time....that is every few weeks or every month or even more. Then I'm all yours, we can yarn for ages and phone each other back repeatedly.

But constant updating every few days when you have kids, partner,family life which often requires a longish convo, it's hard to keep that up.

There's only one friend I am happy to do that sort of thing with.

I think friendship is too rigidly defined, by many and a lot of people aren't flexible in their expectations with their friendships.

There are friends you might speak to every day - these friends might be more like kin. You might want your friend to be like this, but the feeling isn't reciprocated to the same extent.

Friends you speak to every few weeks

Friends that you check in with every few months, with absolutely no resentment and the closeness is just as strong.

Friends that are quasi acquaintances that you check in once or twice a year but will be there is a crisis and vice versa.

Friends that you mostly go out for socials with

Friends that aren't so good for going out with, but you meet up for coffee occasionally.

Friends for mostly intellectual conversations

Friends that are good for socialising with the kids in tow but not so good outside of that and you only really chat around kids and meetup with them on kiddie dates.

Friends that you dump the kids to see/aren't great with kids around

Friends that are married and you socialise more as a couple with but not outside of that

Etc etc etc.

A friend that requires more than you can give and won't accept any flexibility might be one you do not want to keep.

I had a similar issue with my sister , she lives alone and I have 3 kids one who is disabled and requires a lot of care and attention. My only free time is when they are in bed and all I want to do is sit in silence. Its difficult as I can see both sides.

i. Guess it comes down to how much you value the friendship? If she’s worth keeping find time to answer her (keep messages as unread until you do) and put a reminder on your phone to check in with her once a week yourself. Let her know when you are away and say you won’t be in touch for a few days

Shes too needy and has too much time on her hands, just tell her shes too much and needs to calm down a bit
Friends are meant to compliment your life not add to everyday stresses

I can genuinely see both sides to this. I have said YABU simply because you need to be consistent with the level of communication you are comfortable with. Amping up and dropping off could be seen as rude. One full update a day for example, then be consistent.