Friend coming down hard on me for lack of communication

[Uhohhouse]

I have a friend with whom about 90% of our relationship is on WhatsApp as we live in opposite ends kf the country. From time to time I will drop off communication wise and only be able to manage a quick emoji response or one liner, and i think this is because I have a partner and also live with extended family: it means that I am constantly engaging with people non stop whereas she lives alone.
Last week I got a rap on the knuckles for "dropping off the radar" and I apologised for making her feel neglected. The truth was I was having a hit of an extended christmas and there was loads of family visits happening and then me and DP went on a week-long roadtrip.

I ca t help but feel resentful though. On the one hand I DONT want her to feel neglected but on the other hand I dont have this issue with any other friends.

Has anyone had something similar?

To be fair, if you're introverted and your life is full of people, the last thing you want to do is open whatsapp when you have a bit of breathing space.

this.

To you perhaps, to us its normal, most of my friend group are the same. We're all disabled with kids with disabilities, and DM's are a lifesaver in terms of social contact, having people around you that understand, and helping you feel like a human.

For some of us, we don't speak to anyone that isn't in our household or work for days on end in person... i haven't since boxing day because life is life-ing, as it does.. but i still find moments in the day to communicate with my best friend when they cross my mind.

If my friend lived closer we'd be in and out of each others houses when we had time, having coffee and a chat, but we can't so DM it is.

My point is, you find what works for your friendship, the op went 4 or 5 days without saying a word, which their friend got upset about. 5 days is a long time not to even find 10 seconds to type 'good morning' or 'how you doing?'

To make excuses of being 'too busy' to even do that.. rubbish. No-one is 'too busy' to find a few moments to say hi to someone over DM if they wanted to.

I guess the point is: I dont want to, but why does her want trump mine?

OP, ignore all the 'it takes two minutes' posts because they're not getting it. Your friend would like more and longer replies: too bad. You've been messaging her but it's never enough. She can cope with what she gets, or she can bin you as a friend, and I don't see how that helps her isolation. Just blank the guilt tripping from here on.

Lot of projection going on here. You don't owe anyone a certain level of response. Some people are busy. We all have things going on. I have friends who respond immediately and others who don't even look at their phones until 8pm when their kids are in bed.
If anyone has a go that you arent responding in their favoured pattern they can go touch grass.

it doesn't, but you also said you don't want her to feel neglected, so you need to have a conversation with her about it, or carry on as things are and potentially lose the friendship.

I have a friend who is.. sporadic in responding to me, in contrast to my bestie who i'm back and forth with daily, this one can leave me hanging for a week or more sometimes.
I accept that's how they are, but there was some issue for a while where i felt they didn't give a crap, even though every time they popped into my DM's they complained they missed talking to me... and we found a moment to talk about it properly and they explained their position and why they're like that and it was fine after, because i'm not as ass who drops friends over this stuff. I meet them where they're at.. but that chat did need to be had to resolved the friction there.

This is my question. OP can you tell us? It's hard for me to decide who is BU without being a bit clearer about what she actually said to you, whether she was actually 'rapping you on the knuckles' (even if it felt that way) or just expressing that she feels lonely and would like more contact. If the latter I don't think she is BU to express what she's feeling, just as I don't think you would BU to express to her that you've got some social burnout and you won't be able to be in touch for a bit.

I am with you OP it’s too much. The whole text message and expectation of exchange has become rediculous. As someone who works full time, runs a busy household and is hand on carer to elderly parents I can honestly say I don’t have time for idle chit chat! I don’t have the time or mental capacity to type out all the shit that happens in my day. I have a large group of very supportive friends all in similar boats and none of us put pressure on anyone to respond. If anything if one of us goes off radar for too long we check in that they are ok. Yes I have time to scroll on mumsnet right now because I’m waiting in the endless queue to pick up prescriptions again and it is a little bit of an escape from everything I have to cope with. True friends support you they don’t berate you for not being available 24/7

Your friend is BU. You can send a very short reply and then say you will send more when you can as your currently away/working/whatever. This is what me and my friend do, we live hours away from each other. Some weeks she sends more/longer messages and sometimes I do. We both understand we have full-on busy lives. Your friend sounds bored tbh she needs to get out more/get more hobbies and not solely rely on you all the time for social engagement.

It was actually the latter. She was just expressing that she felt lonely and left out which is why I did feel like I wanted to sort this out in some way as I dont want her tl feel neglected or rejected.

Its just tiring because it constantly feels like i have to keep an eye on the barometer and make sure I am giving enough. Other friends Im only in touch with once a month or so or when making g plans to meet in person or giving/requesting help and that feels more natural to me.

We have been friends for 15 years and I just feel like as time goes by I have changed, I dont want or need the same level of intense introspective sharing our friendship was initially based on. I feel bad because I changed the goalposts there, not her, but at the same time isnt it normal to change? It feels like she often uses me as a sounding board to work out issues in her head and I understand that thats one way of being a friend and I can still do that for her, but I dont need her to do that for me anymore. Hence why im finding it harder and harder to share the way i think she wants me to these days.

i meant in the way of someone who is always on the phone when they need something, but nowhere until next time when they need something. but this isn't the case from op's later update.

they are texting almost every day anyway so her friend sounds very needy and needs telling to like it or lump it. life is busy enough without this carry on.

Just tell her you can't do any better and let her decide if she wants to continue the friendship. I am very busy and like you CBA all this messaging OP, I have lost friends due to my style but my life is better not worse for it tbh.

I speak as someone who is always the ‘you’ in this situation: YABU. Of course you have time. Of course she feels undervalued. Work on yourself.

It is when the OP is saying she doesn’t have time to answer messages from her friend.

Hardly the same thing. Life was so much easier when people didn't have the ability to organise your time. Everything is so intense now.

Or ‘all good here, had a bit of an extended Xmas and looking forward to a few days away, catch up soon take care…’

So- for me, a friend 'coming down hard' would not be a friend.

It's that simple.

I have fun with friends, share my worries with friends, party, commiserate and have lived life with my friends, but we are not in some type of obligatory 'should' relationship whereby I have to update them on my life every few days.

I do chat with some friends every week, and some not for six months. We have muddled it out together what works for both of us.

It is her choice not to be in this friendship if she finds it not intensive enough for her needs. I wouldn't explain you are busy, a good friend would know that. Just decide if a friend 'coming down hard' is for you, it wouldn't be for me and my friends would not come down hard otherwise we would not have sustained friendships for nearly forty years.

Life ebbs and flows, that's what you have to give right now, it's on her to accept it or no.

It isn’t. I’m on mumsnet for my downtime. For when my brain has no space for thought. For when I can get immersed to the precise level I want with other peoples problems rather than my own. It’s my relaxation time. The op does not need to justify anything to her friend or us. I have a certain amount of time available each day to help other people, and a certain amount when I’ve got nothing left to give other people. That is allowed. Why does society constantly expect women to pour and pour from an empty cup. I’m fairly sure there will be very few men who are expected to constantly text a long distance friend when all they want to do is have a beer and watch the football.

Over CHRISTMAS. Its a month later now.

I have a friend who does this kind of thing to me. She doesn't live alone, married with two small kids but messages me every day or so asking how my day was and gets narky if I don't give her a full blow by blow.

Sometimes I leave her unread because I haven't got the energy I need for her to feel satisfied with the interaction and go back when I can.
Usually with an apology for "missing" her message.

If she would be happy with a simple "yeah we had a nice day thanks" then I wouldn't feel like this when she messages. But she won't be. She will continue to ask and if I'm brief she'll "worry" that I'm "holding back" on her. Sometimes I'm just tired and have looked at my screen at work all day and don't want to be on my phone while I have time with DD and DH.

The balance needs to work for both of you and sometimes people have to drift apart because the friendship is no longer mutually beneficial.

They absolutely don’t. You just need to find a way to tell her that communication in that way is difficult for you at the moment, but please don’t tell her you are too busy.

Sometimes I forget to answer friends. I have quite a few friends, children, am a lone parent and work full-time. So do many of my friends. Sometimes we drop the friendship ball and pick it back up, say oops, and go on. If you start pressuring the other person, it never works. The OP is already finding the emotional connnection a little strained, perhaps she doesn't want an intensive friendship of the type of years ago right now. Whatever the case, pushing it is not usually the right thing to do.

If you want to sustain the friendship, I'd say 'there's no issue from my end, I don't think I'll be able to text more though at the moment, just a busy life' and see what she says. Or call her. It's just not meeting yours or her needs right now and the onus on her is to flow with that or risk it just ending.

You don't have to be friends!

I don't get this obligatory thing at all with friends that appears on here...it's so different to anyone I know, who usually appreciates what you can give, even if it's not very much!

Why can't the OP say she's too busy? She is too busy to get into emotionally dense conversations every few days.

I think someone else suggested this further up the thread but maybe the answer is scheduling a weekly call. Could even be while you’re in the car in your way back from a regular appointment or work or something. That would hopefully give her the contact she needs and at the same time remove that feeling of dread with the texts.