Friend coming down hard on me for lack of communication

[Uhohhouse]

I have a friend with whom about 90% of our relationship is on WhatsApp as we live in opposite ends kf the country. From time to time I will drop off communication wise and only be able to manage a quick emoji response or one liner, and i think this is because I have a partner and also live with extended family: it means that I am constantly engaging with people non stop whereas she lives alone.
Last week I got a rap on the knuckles for "dropping off the radar" and I apologised for making her feel neglected. The truth was I was having a hit of an extended christmas and there was loads of family visits happening and then me and DP went on a week-long roadtrip.

I ca t help but feel resentful though. On the one hand I DONT want her to feel neglected but on the other hand I dont have this issue with any other friends.

Has anyone had something similar?

I find that really scary!

To be at the beck and call of your phone all the time, never to be able to choose to set it aside for fear of irritating someone!

No, not for me. You can all wait until I have the head space and actually want to communicate with you!

I have a friend who sometimes seems to want to guilt trip me about not having been in touch.
Most recently was a day when they were having a medical procedure. I'd already said to them that unfortunately I wasn't around at all that day, into late into the evening, and the following day I was working all day, then had a family event.
I was very very clear about this and said I'd most certainly contact them the day after the family event.
At the time we'd spoken about it, they had the opportunity to change the date of the procedure (not that I'd be able to attend as we don't live near enough to each other).
Unfortunately friend has memory problems and forgot the entire conversation so then rang me the evening of the family event, having a bit of a go about me not phoning them the night before.

I know they can't help having memory problems, but I still felt terrible, even though I'd already explained at length why I wasn't able to contact them. It put a bit of a damper on the family event as I was on the phone an hour to said friend.
I'd have been more than happy to talk for as long as they wanted the next day.

Sh can say it of course, but it always sounds like it’s not true. She is not too busy, she just doesn’t want to (which is a very valid choice).

I want to talk to you about all of this, so let's find a time when life isn't so busy".

Sometimes I feel too busy to deal with other people's emotions. It's not that I don't WANT to, it's just that at that moment in time I haven't got the headspace to do it. Because my head is busy with everything else.

I think it is a bit much. I am a single parent and fully understand people with partner etc less time or more people to communicate with. Also if someone is away I tend to leave them be. Unless you ignored her for weeks I think she’s being a bit much

Friends how much you value her friendship. I have a very busy time with elderly parents, working full time and 3 grown up children who still want me in their lives thankfully. I also have a friend who is a widow and lives alone. I prioritize her a fair bit and if I’m going to be busy I’ll let her know in advance so she knows I won’t be messaging as much.

She's turned your friendship into a chore, something you have to do every 3 or 4 days.

I think your friendship has changed on your end to a lower level, less intense friendship and she's trying to keep it at best friend forever level and she uses you as a sounding board and expects the same level of emotional and time consuming connection. You've got a busy life, she lives elsewhere, this is now a long distance relationship where things on your end have cooled down.

You're going to have to explain you're in a busy time and there's just not time and privacy to have long soul searching convos on an app. She's draining you when you need your time and energy for your life. It might be time to dial back the friendship, but she sounds quite intense and that may not be possible.

@Uhohhouse - I think you need to say this to your friend. I am an introvert, and I know that, sometimes I struggle to reply to messages or to get into conversations with people - so I do worry that I offend or upset people. But I am open and honest with my friends, and when I am struggling, I say so, and I apologise for not being as communicative - and I have found that people do understand.

I would send her a message saying basically what you’ve said in this post - you are sorry that sometimes you drop off, communication wise, but you have a very busy life, with lots of people talking to you, and sometimes you can’t respond to every message fully or quickly because you are overwhelmed - you hope she will understand that it is nothing personal, and that you will be in touch when your head clears a little.

But you are choosing your own busy…you are prioritising the other things you are busy with. Again, nothing wrong with that. But anyone can find a few seconds to send a text if they wanted to. Hell, I send texts while I’m on the toilet when it’s important to me.

I would reply “ sorry but I don’t like being told off like a small child because I am not sending as many texts as YOU want” “ The person who wants to type most often doesn’t get to control the other’s time” but I would be happy to lose such a needy friend. Friends should enhance your life not be a chore. Some people live on their phones and their sense of self worth is overly tied up with others’ response times and likes etc. It sounds as though she could do with some nearby friends to chat with in person. I give daily updates to no one.

It's boring though!

Painfully boring to compose and type. And adds nothing to the other person's day or the friendship.

What did she actually say, and how?

I'm quite surprised at the initial replies but suspect they originate from how we expect others to treat us. As a friend, I don't expect responses from friends in any certain time limit and certainly would feel suffocated if I was expected to message every few days and getting told off if I didn't. That wouldn't be a friendship I'd be interested in continuing.

I'm sorry but updating someone on my life every 3 or 4 days just wouldn't happen. If my friend wanted that I would simply say so. Not sure why you apologised - you are not responsible for her feelings. You have different needs and that's ok. Not sure why both of you think her needs trump yours.

My friend that does this to me isn't satisfied with a few lines while I'm on the loo. She wants in depth, meaningful conversations and usually to ask me how to handle hard situations she's making harder than they need to be.

How you are describing it is how all my other friends and I handle keeping in touch.

And as for "choosing my own busy". Should I prioritise my friends needs over my child's? Ory husbands? Or my job? Or my family? Or, hell, my own need?

People have a right to be busy sometimes. I have my own life and my own things, I can't handle hers for her because that's what she needs from me.

As someone that’s been on the other end - always replying (usually quite quickly) to then essentially not hear a response for weeks. I found it a difficult one to adjust too (heyy perhaps I’m needy lol)

Friend would message ‘how are you, hope everything’s going well, have you been up to much’. I would then reply usually with 30 mins giving an update on my life, checking in with hers etc to have no response. Then weeks later I’d get the same ‘hey how are you, anything new’ message again.

This went on for about a year before I decided to just stop responding. She wasn’t giving me anything back about herself/Life after I shared stuff about myself life.

Took me a while to get the message that she just wasn’t interested in the friendship anymore and was just checking in for ‘old times sake’.

Personally, I would be honest with her - yeah you have a lot going on (I am sure my friend does too) but also, it takes a few seconds to send a message. It sounds like she just isn’t a priority to you deep down - nothing wrong with that.

It absolutely does not take a few seconds to reply as you can see from the date stamped roundup of our latest communication.

She isn't looking for "hey, hope you're well! Got through that rough patch at work, just away to Croatia for a few days, great break! Need to catch up properly X"

Shes looking for me to listen to VMs about her life goals and then do my own lengthy VM where I respond to her musings and then psychoanalyse my relationship, soul search, bare my insecurities and ask for her input into my life

But that’s the point…your friend wants a type of friendship that you are not able or not willing to give her and that’s a different conversation to have compared to I’m too busy to respond to you. You are talking about different needs here and not your level of busy. Of course you should prioritise your husband, your child, your job…that wasn’t the point I was making. It’s not about how busy you are, it’s about the type of friendship you can offer.

I think the point you aren't quite seeing is that I AM willing to be that friend to her, just not every other day and at her beck and call. No one should be expecting any other person to be catering to their needs immediately. People are busy.

I am more than happy to talk to her about her life and her problems. She just chooses to go off at me when I haven't got the headspace to respond immediately. I respond when I can give her the attention she needs. And yes, sometimes I forget because I'm human and we all forget to do things we intend to do at times.

She is the one not willing to accept that I can be the friend she wants but not on her timescale.

I’m talking about the OP’s situation though, not yours. She has posted several updates and a lot of details, including what she is able to give to this friendship. I have no idea about your friendships and your situation as it’s not the point of this thread.

I'm sure this isn't your intention, but this definitely comes across as "I'm far too important to deal with the lonely singleton."

I simply don't believe anyone who says they're "too busy" That's just bollocks. I don't believe that you haven't got 5 minutes in your waking window when you can't text a line or two to someone who is a friend. This isn't even every day, it's once or twice a week!
You're just prioritizing other things. You might as well own it. This friend isn't a high priority to you.

From your updates, she sounds needy and unreasonable. Send a short sorry, I’ve got life going on message and leave it at that. My best friend has BPD and doesn’t send messages like that!

It doesn't come across this way to me personally. OP sounds like they have other friends where it feels more natural and reasonable.

OP, this friendship is sadly over. You're mismatched and it worked when you were always giving and willing to put her first all the time. But now you have a busier life, she isn't willing to adapt and let the friendship evolve.

I hate to say it but the fact she feels emboldened to chastise you like you're a naughty child, that would honestly give me the ick.

Be honest: when she messages now, do you have a nice feeling, like oh it's lovely to hear from you? Or does your heart sink a bit with the weight of expectation, knowing that you will now be on a timer to reply with a certain level of depth, whether you want to or not?

It's imbalanced now and I would be surprised if you can get back the same kind of closeness in a way that works for both of you.

I've been here before and it's crap but unfortunately you can't be the solution to this person's loneliness, you can't be her sounding board for everything, therapist to help her unpack, and give her the kind of emotional depth she's clearly after (maybe it makes her feel useful?). And if you try and pull back to make it work for you it sounds like she won't accept that.

I had a friend like that. I think she was a bit worse though in that if I hadn't responded to her message in the same day she would kick off that I was ignoring her. Eventually it got so tiresome that I had to drop her. She lived alone, had no job and had some disabilities whereas I had a busy full time job, partner and family commitments so I think she just had too much time on her hands.

To add, I love the saying that some people, friends, are in our life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

Some come at a certain time and you really need and appreciate one another while that thing is going on. Maybe a work friend, or a hobby friend, or an acquaintance you randomly go deeper with cos you both realise you just had breakups. Then the reason comes to a close and you drift.

Season, the friends where your friendship lasts a significant time throughout different stages of life, but eventually drifts off because you've grown apart or into different priorities, which is okay.

Lifetime, well, we won't get to find out which friends meet that criteria until you're nearly at the end of your life! Very few will make it that far, and that's absolutely okay too.

Oh, but don’t be reasonable, those people commenting don’t have anything else to do if they’re not being mean to somebody online.